Please help me correct and give some feedbacks on my IELTS Writing Task 2

Some people believe that young people know about international pop and movie stars but know very less about famous people from the history in their own country. Why is this? How can more interest be created in young people to gain more knowledge about their own famous people from history?

In this day and age, there has long been an ever-increasing demand for entertainment and the integration of exotic culture into many countries, especially developing ones. Youngsters are bombarded with foreign traditions and the ways in which people entertain themselves in other developed countries on a regular basis. Advertising campaigns that consist of the images of international celebrity are now omnipresent. Thus, it is widely reckoned that the young has seemingly forgotten about well-known people from their own history. Is this argument actually justified, as will be discussed later?

To begin with, the proposition side undeniably has their own reason for asserting those assessments. First and foremost, the burgeoning popularity and prevalence of international pop singers or movie stars take place as an eventual consequence of the rapid globalization and assimilation. The young has been prone to be engrossed in those kinds of recreation such as exotic films or music as the last resort towards some mental and psychological problems. As the hectic life of contriving to earn a livelihood is getting more and more traumatic as well as they are fed up with their domestic entertainment industry. More often than not, the modern, if not even innovativeappearance and image to which contemporary stars orient themselves to cater for the viewer’s preference and predilection are what is truly tempting. On the contrary, the formerly antiquated model of renowned great men from the past is mow regarded as outdated and monotonous.

Nevertheless, there are always some solutions to every issues. Something has to be done to inspire and give a boost to their eagerness to ascertain their own predecessor from their history. From my perspectives, the most prominent method to get them to know about their bygone forebear is througha myriad kinds of entertainment such as enjoying appealing documentary films regarding those people’s lives. Eventually, education is another factor that cannot be despised. Only with extensive educational strategies would youngster realize how paramount it is to be aware of famous men belonging to their culture.

In conclusion, the unconsciousness and lack of knowledge could be attributed to various reasons. Furthermore, it is both the government’s and society’s responsibility for doing something to bring the young closer to the old great men.

Thank you for giving comments on my essay. I would be so grateful if I could estimate my overall band score for this task. Best regard!