PLEASE HELP ME CHECK THE SHORT ESSAY FOR IELTS WRITING TASK 2

Write about the following topic:

Young people should spend more time on cultural activities such as: music and theatre and less time on sport. How far do you agree with this statement?

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Essay:

I partly disagree with the idea that young people ought to take more time with cutural activites instead of playing sport.

You spend less time on sport, you have less chance to stay health. Everybody know that playing sport is one of the best ways to keep fit. So if instead of doing excercises, you sit in theatre for a long time to watch concert, it is possible for you to gain weight, or face to other heathy problems.

Besides, some cultural activities such as: music and theatre sometimes make people, especially the young, feel bored. People nowadays are more dynamic, they often like oudoor activites rather than indoor activities.

Morover, doing activites that require less energy, you will become lazier. When you get into the habit of sitting a whole day to do just only thing, you will feel tired when doing something more complicating.

To sum up, I think the young should spend more time on physical activites, and take up at least one of the sports such as: playing badminton, playing volleyball, playing soccer,… rather than dong traditional activites.