Please help me check my Ielts task2 essay. Thanks for your help.

Question

Requirement: It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?My essay: Some people argue that technological developments lead to the loss of traditional cultures. Personally, I partly agree with this assertion; while it may be true in some cases, others seem to be unaffected by technology and the modern world.On the one hand, the advances in technology that have driven industrialisation n developed countries have certainly contributed to the disapperance of tradictional ways of life. A good example for the change of lifestyle is the way people entertain. In the past, we got rid of tension by spending time with families or friends, in the modern life, people tend to use the Internet as a means of relaxation and recreation. As a result, all the relationships in the society will be gradually faded and destroyed; therefore, many of us today do not know our closest neighbours.On the other hand, tradictional cultures and modern technology are compatible in some parts of the worlds as many customs and beliefs are still maintained. In tradictional villages in rural areas, tradictional skills such as embroidering or making pottery are passed on to younger generations bu their parents and elders. Futhermore, the advances in technology are benefical for farmers in harvest seasons. Applying technological breakthroughs, farmer have more opportunities to access to various and usegul information, from weather predictions to market prices, which helps them to proper and therefore supports their culture.In conclusion, many tradictional ways of life have been lost as a result of advances in technology, but other tradictional communities have survived and even thriven.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You didn't do a very good job of copying / modifying this essay. You know you will get a zero score for it don't you?

Please don't copy an essay from the internet and present it for feedback as if you had written it all by yourself. Plagiarism annoys teachers.

thanhhuyenlc03My Simon's band 9 essay (modified):

Some people argue that technological developments lead to the loss of traditional cultures. Personally, I partly agree with this assertion; while it may be true in some cases, others seem to be unaffected by technology and the modern world.

Some people believe that technological developments lead to the loss of traditional cultures. I partly agree with this assertion; while it may be true in the case of some societies, others seem to be unaffected by technology and the modern world. (Source: https://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2017/02/ielts-writing-task-2-traditions-and-technology-essay.html )

On the one hand, the advances in technology that have driven industrialisation n developed countries have certainly contributed to the disapperance of tradictional ways of life. A good example for the change of lifestyle is the way people entertain. In the past, we got rid of tension by spending time with families or friends, (comma splice error) in ~~the~~ modern life, people tend to use the Internet as a means of relaxation and recreation. As a result, all the relationships in the society will be gradually faded and destroyed; therefore, many of us today do not know our closest neighbours.

Simon's example is much better because he talks about the cohesion of people in a village being disrupted by the young people moving to cities for work in modern factories.

On the one hand, the advances in technology that have driven industrialisation in developed countries have certainly contributed to the disappearance of traditional ways of life. For example, in pre-industrial Britain, generations of families grew up in the same small village communities. These communities had a strong sense of identity, due to their shared customs and beliefs. However, developments in transport, communications and manufacturing led to the dispersal of families and village communities as people moved to the cities in search of work. Nowadays most British villages are inhabited by commuters, many of whom do not know their closest neighbours. Source: ibid.

On the other hand, tradictional cultures and modern technology are compatible in some parts of the worlds as many customs and beliefs are still maintained. In tradictional villages in rural areas, tradictional skills such as embroidering or making pottery are passed on to younger generations bu their parents and elders. Futhermore, the advances in technology are benefical for farmers in harvest seasons. Applying technological breakthroughs, (Not a good phrase.) farmer have more opportunities to access to various and usegul information, from weather predictions to market prices, which helps them to proper and therefore supports their culture.

Other traditional cultures, such as farming communities in parts of Africa, are embracing communications technologies. Mobile phones give farmers access to information, from weather predictions to market prices, which helps them to prosper and therefore supports their culture. SOurce: Ibid

In conclusion, many tradictional ways of life have been lost as a result of advances in technology, but other tradictional communities have survived and even thriven.

In conclusion, many traditional ways of life have been lost as a result of advances in technology, but other traditional communities have survived and even flourished. Source: Ibid.

Please help me check my Ielts task2 essay. Thanks for your help.

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