Please help me check my essay. Thank a lot !

Question

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion?

When it comes to increasing purchases and sales, advertisements are beneficial to businesses. While I accept the idea that advertising could persuade customers to buy products, there are some drawbacks to advertising.

The side effect of advertising is discussed in terms of marketing visualization and customers’ experience. From marketing perspectives, thousands of advertisements are published and performed via social media that we use every day, but their advertising formats are relatively similar. For instance, English courses are advertised on social media, and they are created on available formats of pictures and titles rather than be more creative to make storytelling about why we need to learn English. From customer’s experience perspectives, they could experience a feeling of boresome when seeing the advertisements without any special meanings that it is hard to trigger for them to make a purchase. With the existence of the Internet, people are easy to go shopping from different places and the advertising has to create something new and specific to attract customers’ attention.

A more optimistic aspect, and one that I favor, is that advertising has the power to boost sales and trigger customers’ buying behavior. In terms of businesses, marketing increases companies’ sales if they are budgeted for using celebrities that can attract the public to their products or propose discount campaigns to increase customers’ buying action. The mobile phone Oppo reno 5 ( in Vietnam) has so far succeeded in Vietnam when customers are attracted via cheap prices and good-looking pictures from celebrities. In terms of buying behavior, advertisements can certainly tempt people to buy products that they might not because they could satisfy customers’ demands. Such wireless earphones make people convenient to answer phones and listen to music while they are driving.

In conclusion, I am convinced that the advertising industry has a positive in persuading people to buy products and that the negative side effects are unavoidable.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You did not address the essay topic adequately in the opening paragraph. There is a proposition with two sides. You are asked to discuss both sides and give your own opinion. Your opening paragraph did not clearly explain both sides. You wrote the type of essay called an "advantages/disadvantages" essay. But that is not the type of essay that is in the instructions. You will lose a lot of points if you do not follow the instructions exactly.

Your essay (315 words) is too long. You will not lose points simply for writing more, but you will lose points for every error.

I cannot determine the main point of your first paragraph.

Wrong sentence: ... people are easy to go shopping from different places....

This is correct:

Some phones are easy to use. (These phones have clear controls and buttons. Anyone can use them.)

Here is the dummy-it version:

It is easy to use these phones.

You need the sentence -

It is easy for people to use the internet to go shopping.

You make the same mistake in this sentence -

Such wireless earphones make people convenient to answer phones and listen to music while they are driving.

It is wrong because people are not convenient! You need a dummy-it:

Wireless earphones make it convenient for people to answer their phone and listen to music while they are driving.

When it comes to increasing purchases and sales, advertisements are beneficial to businesses. While I accept the idea that advertising could persuade customers to buy products, there are some drawbacks to advertising. (Where is the side about people ignoring advertising?)

The side effect (I don't understand your point here.) of advertising is discussed (Why are you using the passive voice? Just state your main point in the first sentence of the paragraph.) in terms of marketing visualization (I do not understand this expression.) and customers’ experience. From a marketing perspective, s, thousands of advertisements are published ~~and performed via~~ on social media that we use every day, but their advertising formats are relatively similar. For instance, English courses are advertised on social media, and they are created on available formats of pictures and titles rather than be more creative to make storytelling (This is off-topic. ) about why we need to learn English. From customer’s experience perspectives, they could experience a feeling of boresome (wrong word) when seeing the advertisements without any special meanings that it is hard to trigger for them (ungrammatical) to make a purchase. (The previous sentence is too long and wordy. I cannot follow your reasoning.) With the existence (wrong word) of the Internet, people are easy (wrong expression. An "easy person" is an expression that should not be used in polite company.) to go shopping from different places and the advertising has to create something new and specific to attract customers’ attention.

A more optimistic aspect, (I do not understand this. Did you make the point that advertising is harmful to or decreases sales?) and one that I favor, is that advertising has the power to boost sales and trigger customers’ buying behavior. In terms of businesses, marketing increases companies’ sales if they are budgeted for using celebrities (wrong expression) that can attract the public to their products or propose discount campaigns to increase customers’ purchases. ~~buying action~~. The mobile phone Oppo reno 5 ( in Vietnam) has ~~so far succeeded~~ become very popular in Vietnam because people ~~when~~ customers are attracted to its ~~via~~ cheap prices and ~~good-looking pictures from~~ its promotion by celebrities. In terms of buying behavior, advertisements can certainly tempt people to buy products that they might not because they could satisfy customers’ demands. (That does not make sense. Products that satisfy a demand are bought if the person has enough money.) Such wireless earphones (You have not mentioned earphones before. What kind of wireless earphones do you mean?) make people convenient (People are not convenient. That is not a good adjective for "people.") to answer phones and listen to music while they are driving.

In conclusion, I am convinced that the advertising industry has a positive (positive is an adjective. You need a noun after it.) in persuading people to buy products and that the negative side effects are unavoidable. (What negative effects are you talking about?)

Please help me check my essay. Thank a lot !

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