Please help me check my essay in IELTS Writing Task 2

Here is my essay. I long to receive feedback ASAP. Thanks in advance.

Question: Do you think it is better for students to work before their university studies? Why? Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice.

My answer:

In current society, people are divided in their opinion regarding whether it is worth having for learners to take a job prior to entering tertiary education. I wholeheartedly agree with this idea for the below reasons and concrete instances.

To commence with, those who decide to take a gap year to work after finishing their compulsory schooling at high school will have an opportunity to obtain savvy life experience. This is partly due to their direct engagement in tackling practical problems in reality so that these students comprehend clearly their strengths and weaknesses. As a result, it is more likely for them to adopt a major at university which is compatible with their preference. To exemplify, if school children take a gap year off between school and college to participate in work, they will orientate themselves to pursuing their education either abroad or in their mother country.

Moreover, there are some economic benefits for individuals allocating time to be on business. Specifically, financial burdens like tuition fees, costs of living, and so on during their period at the following college are reduced to some extent. The reason for this is that a large amount of money they earn compensates for such expenses. For example, there are considerable employees to be hired for a large number of part-time and full-time jobs with appealing salaries so youngsters can apply based on their favourites and abilities.

In conclusion, I am in agreement with the belief that persons should take time to work after completing their studies, which is immensely beneficial to both personal development and economics.