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Lom Nguyen Posted 6 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

Please help me check my essay.

In the future, it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people in some countries. Is this a positive or negative development?

There is growing anticipation that the number of older people will increase over the next few years. Despite some beneficial effects it may have, this trend is detrimental to the government as well as society.
On the one hand, parents do not usually have much time spending with their children since they have to go out and make money. Therefore, they have to hire nannies to help them take care of their sons or daughters. With grandparents, who do not work and only stay at home, can help to look after their grandchildren while their parents are busy with their responsibility at work. This not only saves money but also encourages the young to spend more time with their grandmothers and grandfathers, bridging the gap between the young and the old. Furthermore, various traditional values can be passed on the younger generation through the old. For example, Quan Ho, one of the traditional kinds of music of Bac Ninh, could be extinct unless many senior singers teach their children how to sing it.
On the other hand, a higher number of older citizens can lead to two primary harmful consequences. First, it can cause a tremendous monetary loss to the national budget. This is because the government has to allocate money to the retirement benefits of numerous old people. The more elderly people there are, the more considerable amount of money spent. Instead, this budget can be spent on improving many essential facilities such as schools or hospitals. Second, due to a plethora of older residents, the society will lack workforce in some fields, especially those which require young workers and abilities to adapt to the change of the world such as IT or designers.
In conclusion, although the old can help their families and society when it comes to nurturing children and traditional conservation, the ageing population is still a challenge for several countries around the world.

  

Top answer

There is growing anticipation that T he number of older people will is likely to increase over the next few years in certain countries . Despite some beneficial effects it may have, this trend is detrimental may give rise some challenges to the government as well as society. ----------------------------------------- The essay is not well structured/thought out.

  • There is growing anticipation that T he number of older people will is likely to increase over the next few years in certain countries .
  • Despite some beneficial effects it may have, this trend is detrimental may give rise some challenges to the government as well as society.
  • ----------------------------------------- The essay is not well structured/thought out.
  • The first body paragraph discusses only one idea.
  • It would be better to write two paragraphs about why having a large number of old people can be a challenge to a country.
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2 Answers
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There is growing anticipation that The number of older people will is likely to increase over the next few years in certain countries. Despite some beneficial effects it may have, this trend is detrimental

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Lom NguyenThere is growing anticipation that the number of older people will increase over the next few years. Despite some beneficial effects it may have, this trend is detrimental to the government as well as society.

In my opinion, the introduction is not good because this phenomenon is our expectation besides some negative effects. I agree with -organiz

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