Please help me check it. Is this essay okay?

Question

Topic: Today more people are overweight than ever before. What is your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic?

Obesity is one of the common and serious diseases in the world. The foremost causes of being obesity are overindulging unhealthy diet and eating habits. Many people just eat whatever they like without concern about the value of nutritious. This is essay will explore the causes and effects of overweight.

Nowadays, there are many fast food outlets are opened and it is getting more and more around the corner of the world. Obesity is caused by an energy imbalance - too many calories are burned, and too few calories are burned. Diets that consume too much sugar will change hormone activity and cause weight gain and obesity. Added sugar in foods is half glucose and half fructose. Glucose is found in many foods such as starches, fruits, but most fructose is derived from added sugar.

Serious harm caused by obesity. For example, appearance becomes heavy when gaining weight out of control, your body will become bulky and ugly. In addition, obesity is also the cause of skin cracking, flaking, sagging. This makes many people feel inferior, losing the opportunity to express themselves in life. Increased risk of gout
According to recent statistics, 50% of gout patients weigh more than 20% of their normal body weight. A gout is a form of a metabolic disorder caused by the deposition of urate salt crystals in joints, causing symptoms of soreness, redness and limited movement. Obesity does not directly cause gout, but obese people are at higher risk of getting it because uric acid levels and body weight are closely related.

Obesity or even being overweight has serious effects on the individual and the society. Both need to take action to examine the causes of this problem and find solutions.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

Obesity is one of the common and serious diseases in the world. It affects people regardless of race, age or gender. Many people just eat whatever they like without concern about the nutritious value of what they are eating. This is essay will explore the causes and effects of being overweight.

[ Very good. There is nothing wrong with the last sentence of your introduction. It perfect

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[ 1]: That sentence kills the whole essay. It belongs in the conclusion, not in the introduction. What you need at the start of the introduction are a couple of general sentences that introduce the topic to the reader and give some background information.

You have some very good ideas in your body paragraphs, but you need to learn how to present them in an essay. The first thing I’d like you to learn is how to write a topic sentence at the start of each body paragraph. A topic sentence is made up of two parts: topic + controlling idea. The topic is the main question being discussed in the essay, and the controlling idea is the particular idea you want to outline in your paragraph. For example in your first body paragraph, the controlling idea is causes/factors/reasons.

Also, you need to use linking words (e.g. Therefore, In addition, However) to connect the ideas in a paragraph.

Another important point to remember is that a body paragraph should follow a general-to-specific structure. That means you start with a general idea, and gradually zoom to specific examples. Do not jump around. Deal with one idea (general to specific) at a time.

Moreover, do not stray off topic. For example, the sentence “Glucose is found in many foods such as starches, fruits, but most fructose is derived from added sugar” is outside the scope of the essay.

With the above points in mind, fix your first body paragraph and post it and the introduction again below.

Teechr · Answer

Obesity is one of the common and serious diseases in the world. It affects people regardless of race, age or gender. Many people just eat whatever they like without concern about the nutritious value of what they are eating. This is essay will explore the causes and effects of being overweight.

[ Very good. There is nothing wrong with the last sentence of your introduction. It perfect

[ Very good. There is nothing wrong with the last sentence of your introduction. It perfectly outlines the scope of the essay.]

Nowadays, there are many causes ~~effects~~ of being overweight.

[ Let’s just stop here and think of some of the causes of obesity in the modern world. List them in point form below. Do not worry too much about the grammar for now. Just think of as many reasons for obesity as you can. What makes people become fat?]

Please help me check it. Is this essay okay?

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