Please HELP!!! julielai or MountainHiker or any helpful person

Question

This is my first college assignment , and I need your suggestions.
English is not my native language. (I am from Turkey. But I am a naive student at an American university) And I am insecure about my English. Any feedback would be appreciated! (about content, grammer, punctuation, et cetera) PLEASE!

***
A Far-fetched Pepsi Ad
The first thing that hit us as we exited the plane was the oppressive, heavy heat —over 56°C. The considerable heat jumped down on our shoulders and slowed our pace, and we knew we weren’t in Turkey anymore.
A few months ago, I traveled to Saudi Arabia with my cousin Tugba. It was like stepping into a different world. Saudi Arabia is a country with a different language, a very different culture, foods, and, of course, a very different climate. We don’t know any Arabic except saying “hello” and “thank you”. Until we went to Saudi Arabia, we hoped that we will communicate in English. However, from the first moments in the Jeddah Airport, we knew we had been wrong. We lost our luggage, and couldn’t find any English-speaking personnel. Needless to say, this was a huge disappointment for both Tugba and me. Fortunately, by using sign language and huge smiles, we were able to communicate. People were genuinely friendly, helpful, and also curious to talk to strangers (with visual language.)
In spare times, it was a never-failing source of joy to us to watch the TV ads in our small hotel room. We don’t think we should be deterred from watching TV programs just because they happen to be in a different language. We tried to understand the culture and learn a little Arabic. The advertising industry in Saudi Arabia is said to be facing a crunch time. Advertisements are very different and ridiculous, if we compare them with the ads in Turkey. We were so dumbfounded when we just watched a Pepsi Ad with our mouths open.
With his traditional white dress and keffiyah, the traditional Arab red and white or black and white chequered headscarf, an Arab man drinks Pepsi, and then belches loudly. The only thing he says is “Bebsi!” (Arabic doesn't have any "P" sound.) And that’s all! There isn’t any appeals and visual images that attracts attention. Above all, the Pepsi ad provides no reason to buy the product!
We began to comment on the ad. Tugba said, “Maybe the Arab man is a famous person.” We were trying to make positive comments because this ad was pretty far-fetched. Pepsi is a very prestigious company in Turkey, so it is hard to believe that Pepsi makes poor-quality ads like this. I said, “Maybe belching is not a rudeness in Arab culture.” (We dogged this issue instantly, and learned that in Arab countries, it is polite to burp loudly after a meal. But the Arab man isn’t a famous star in the country.)
With a population of 25 million, the average age of which is 18, the biggest spender, Saudi Arabia, is now clearly a highly attractive market for the beverage companies including Pepsi. People should drink lots of fluids for preventing dehydration. However, Pepsi didn’t use any appeals for to entice thirsty consumers. Do you believe this—just a burp!
When we were walking on the street on one of the last days of our trip, we saw a deeply impressive scene in front of a Pepsi vending machine. Pepsi was trickling out of a leaky butt, and a most wretched cat was lapping up the drops with the sickly eagerness of starvation. We thought that this scene could be a more effective way of advertising Pepsi. I attempted to take a photo of this scene for sending it to Pepsi. (The cat maybe inspires Pepsi Co. for creating more effective ads.) Unluckily, my camera’s batteries depleted and I couldn’t take any photo. Sorry-- Pepsi Ads’ designers must find more clever and creative ideas themselves!

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

A Far-fetched Pepsi Ad

The first thing that hit us as we exited the plane was the oppressive, heavy heat[--]over 56°C. The considerable heat jumped down on [to] our shoulders and slowed our pace, and we knew we weren’t in Turkey anymore.

A few months ago, I traveled to Saudi Arabia with my cousin Tugba. It was like stepping into a different world. Saudi Arabia is a country with a different language, [] very different culture, foods, and, of course, []very different climate. We don’t know any Arabic except saying “hello” and “thank you.” Until we went to Saudi Arabia, we hoped that we [would] communicate in English. However, from the first moments in the Jeddah Airport, we knew we had been wrong. We lost our luggage, and [we] couldn’t find any English-speaking personnel. Needless to say, this was a huge disappointment for both Tugba and me. Fortunately, by using sign language and huge smiles, we were able to communicate. People were genuinely friendly, helpful, and also curious to talk to strangers (with visual language).

In [our] spare time[], [we enjoyed] watch[ing] the TV ads in our small hotel room. We don’t think we should be deterred from watching TV programs just because they happen to be in a different language. We tried to understand the culture and learn a little Arabic. The advertising industry in Saudi Arabia is said to be facing a crunch time. Advertisements are very different and ridiculous [compared to the ] ads in Turkey. [We were so dumbfounded when we just watched a Pepsi Ad with our mouths open...this can be deleted...if you leave it in, you need to rephrase it because it sounds a bit odd. And you should explain why it was so different. Or you can have it as the start of your next paragraph. But you should still reword it.]

With his traditional white dress and keffiyah, the traditional Arab red and white or black and white che[ckered] headscarf, an Arab man drinks Pepsi, and then belches loudly. The only thing he says is “Bebsi!” (Arabic doesn't have any "P" sound.) And that’s all! There isn’t any appeals and visual images that attracts attention. Above all, the Pepsi ad provides no reason to buy the product!

We began to comment on the ad. Tugba said, “Maybe the Arab man is a famous person.” We were trying to make positive comments because this ad was pretty far-fetched. Pepsi is a very prestigious company in Turkey, so it is hard to believe that Pepsi makes poor-quality ads like this. I said, “Maybe belching is not a rudeness in Arab culture.” (We dogged this issue instantly, and learned that in Arab countries, it is polite to burp loudly after a meal. But the Arab man isn’t a famous star in the country. I am unsure of your "We dogged this issue....")

With a population of 25 million, the average age of which is 18, the biggest spender, Saudi Arabia, is now clearly a highly attractive market for the beverage companies including Pepsi. People should drink lots of fluids for preventing dehydration. However, Pepsi didn’t use any appeals for to entice thirsty consumers. Do you believe this[—-]just a burp!
When we were walking on the street on one of the last days of our trip, we saw a deeply impressive scene in front of a Pepsi vending machine. Pepsi was trickling out of a leaky ****, and a most wretched cat was lapping up the drops with the sickly eagerness of starvation.[You are getting disgusting at this point. If this is for school, you might offend your teacher/professor.] We thought that this scene could be a more effective way of advertising Pepsi. I attempted to take a photo of this scene for sending it to Pepsi. (The cat maybe inspires Pepsi Co. for creating more effective ads.) Unluckily, my camera’s batteries depleted and I couldn’t take any photo. Sorry-- Pepsi Ads’ designers must find more clever and creative ideas themselves!

-------
Your essay seems chaotic. You seem to talk about your adventures to Saudi Arabia and about loosing your luggage. After some twists and turns you end up by talking about a wretched cat lapping drinks of Pepsi from a leaky ****. It doesn't do much for me. Good luck.

Hadeka · Answer

MountainHicker,

Thank you for your help, time and effort.
I am rewriting it with your suggestions.

sincerely,
hadeka

Hadeka · Answer

Dear MountainHiker,

I re-wrote my ad analysis. If you have more suggestions let me know them please.

Thanks,
hadeka

A Far-fetched Pepsi Ad
The first thing that hit us as we exited the plane was the oppressive, heavy heat - over 56°C. The considerable heat jumped down on to our shoulders and slowed our pace, and we knew we weren’t in Turkey anymore.
A few months ago, I traveled to Saudi Arabia with my cousin Tugba. It was like stepping into a different world. Saudi Arabia is a country with a different language, a different culture, foods, and, of course, a very different climate. People were genuinely friendly, helpful, and also curious to talk to strangers (with visual language.)
In our spare time, we enjoyed watching the TV programs in our small hotel room. We do not think we should be deterred from watching TV programs just because they happen to be in a different language. We tried to understand the culture and learn a little Arabic. The advertising industry in Saudi Arabia is said to be facing a crunch time. Advertisements are very different and ridiculous, compared to the ads in Turkey.
We just watched a Pepsi Ad astonishingly. With his traditional white dress and keffiyah, the traditional Arab red and white or black and white checkered headscarf, an Arab man drinks Pepsi, and then belches loudly. The only thing he says is “Bebsi!” (Arabic doesn't have any "P" sound.) And that’s all! There aren’t any appeals and visual images that attract attention. Above all, the Pepsi ad provides no reason to buy the product! (In spite of there is a very big reason: thirstiness. In Saudi Arabia, you can see that most of the peoples are holding beverage bottles everywhere and every time.)
We began to comment on the ad. Tugba said, “Maybe the Arab man is a famous person.” We were trying to make positive comments because this ad was pretty far-fetched. Pepsi is a very prestigious company in Turkey, so it is hard to believe that Pepsi makes poor-quality ads like this. I said, “Maybe belching is not a rudeness in Arab culture.” (We tried to learn this issue instantly, and our guide said that in Arab countries, it is polite to burp loudly after a meal. But the Arab man isn’t a famous star in the country.)
Pepsi, on the other hand, is promoting itself in the world, as something new, young, and hip. Pepsi has always targeted the youth market. But in this ad, it seems that the Arab man is in his 30’s. So, who is the intended target audience of Pepsi? I am sure, I’m not! (In response to the ad, I just fell frustrated. I drunk a lot of beverage including Pepsi, but not with the success of this ad.) Is the Pepsi Ad designed to appeal to people in Saudi Arabia by persuading them that Pepsi adds a touch of magic to the special moments in their lives? Does Pepsi use appeals with images of celebrities, popular music, young people, happiness and togetherness, or nationalism? No! What is the targeting strategy? I don’t think Pepsi struggles to develop a strategy to reach consumers effectively.
With a population of 25 million, the average age of which is 18, the biggest spender, Saudi Arabia, is now clearly a highly attractive market for the beverage companies including Pepsi. People should drink lots of fluids for preventing dehydration. However, Pepsi didn’t use any appeals for to entice thirsty consumers. Do you believe this—just a burp! In Saudi Arabia, like in the world, the most spirited and intense competition in the beverage world is between cola companies. If Pepsi doesn’t create more effective ads, it will lose the consumers and the cola wars.

MountainHiker · Answer

Hi,

Please leave spaces between your paragraphs, some white space.

A Far-fetched Pepsi Ad

The first thing that hit us as we exited the plane was the oppressive, heavy heat - over 56°C. The considerable heat jumped down on to our shoulders and slowed our pace, and we knew we weren’t in Turkey anymore.

A few months ago, I traveled to Saudi Arabia with my cousin Tugba. It was like stepping into a different world. Saudi Arabia is a country with a different language, [] different culture, foods, and, of course, [] very different climate.[1] People were genuinely friendly, helpful, and also curious to talk to strangers (with visual language).[2]
In our spare time, we enjoyed watching the TV programs in our small hotel room. We do not think we should [have been] deterred from watching TV programs just because they happen to be in a different language. We tried to understand the culture and learn a little Arabic. The advertising industry in Saudi Arabia is said to be facing a crunch time. Advertisements are very different and ridiculous []compared to the ads in Turkey.

We just watched a Pepsi Ad astonishingly. With his traditional white dress and keffiyah, the traditional Arab red and white or black and white checkered headscarf, an Arab man drinks Pepsi, and then belches loudly. The only thing he says is “Bebsi!” (Arabic doesn't have any "P" sound.) And that’s all! There [were no] appeals and visual images [to] attract attention. Above all, the Pepsi ad provide[d] no reason to buy the product! (In spite of there is a very big reason: thirstiness. In Saudi Arabia, you can see that most of the peoples are holding beverage bottles everywhere and every time.)[3]

We began to comment on the ad. Tugba said, “Maybe the Arab man is a famous person.” We were trying to make positive comments because this ad was pretty far-fetched. Pepsi is a very prestigious company in Turkey, so it is hard to believe that Pepsi [made] poor-quality ads like this. I said, “Maybe belching is not rude[] in Arab culture.” (We tried to [investigate this theory. Our] guide said that in Arab countries, it is polite to burp loudly after a meal. But the Arab man isn’t a famous star in the country.)

Pepsi, on the other hand,(what is the first hand??) is promoting itself in the world, as something new, young, and hip. Pepsi has always targeted the youth market. But [not] in this ad, [for] it seems that the Arab man is in his 30’s. So, who is the intended target audience of Pepsi? I am sure, I’m not! (In response to the ad, I just fell frustrated. I drunk a lot of beverage including Pepsi, but not with the success of this ad.) Is the Pepsi Ad designed to appeal to people in Saudi Arabia by persuading them that Pepsi adds a touch of magic to the special moments in their lives? Does Pepsi use appeals with images of celebrities, popular music, young people, happiness and togetherness, or nationalism? No! What is the targeting strategy? I don’t think Pepsi struggles to develop a strategy to reach consumers effectively.

With a population of 25 million, the average age of which is 18, the biggest spender, Saudi Arabia, is now clearly a highly attractive market for the beverage companies including Pepsi.[4] People should drink lots of fluids for preventing dehydration. However, Pepsi didn’t use any appeals for to entice thirsty consumers. Do you believe this—just a burp! In Saudi Arabia, like in the world, the most spirited and intense competition in the beverage world is between cola companies. If Pepsi doesn’t create more effective ads, it will lose the consumers and the cola wars.

Notes:

1) Either use "a" before every item, or just the first. Do not scatter them here and there. I fixed this before.

2) I fixed this before.

3) Your logic seems weak.

4) You need to rework your sentce. I don't know who or what is the biggest spender, those above 18, or Saudi Arabia.

Try not to use so many brackets. It is distracting to your essay.

I think we have revised your essay sufficiently, so you should be in good shape.

MountainHiker

Hadeka · Answer

Hi MountainHiker,

I rewrote it with your suggestions. I'm struggling to write it cohorently and clearly.

I really appreciate everything you have done for me!

Thank You,
hadeka

MountainHiker · Answer

hadeka,

You have a strong grasp of English. It is just a matter of cleaning up some of the "extra stuff" like the brackets and excessive words. The rest just comes with practice and time.

MountainHiker

Hadeka · Answer

I would like to thank you "Mountainhiker" again for your help. I got an B- in my Rhetoric and Composition course. And it is not so bad for the first assignment.

With your suggesstions and my instructor's comments, I understand that in order to capitalize on my approaches, I need to concentrate on them. Now, I'm starting to write an Exploratory Research Essay. I'll be right back:)

Sincerely,
hadeka

MountainHiker · Answer

hadeka,

Glad that the comments helped. A B- still leaves a lot of room for improvement.

MountainHiker

Please HELP!!! julielai or MountainHiker or any helpful person

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions