Please help correct my essay!

Question

Some people say that professional workers such as doctors, nurses and teachers who make a greater contribution to society should be paid more than sports athletes and entertainment stars. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people opine that those who work in highly academic fields such as medicine or education should earn higher salaries due to their remarkable devotion to the community compared to sportsmen and movie stars. Personally, I totally agree with this perspective as professional domains are inextricably linked to humans’ well-being and social settings.

First, it is widely believed that academic fields are a vital key to the growth of nations. A country’s education perfectly exemplifies this case. Undoubtedly, when the quality of education is improved, this will possibly create a job market with many academically exceptional workers, potentially resulting in fast-paced advancement in several domains such as medicine or engineering. Conversely, an inadequate education system may beget burgeoning rates of illiteracy and criminality. Therefore, a rise in average earnings may act as a stimulus for professional workers to work more industriously and productively.

Second, knowledge-based domains are closely correlated with the enhancement of humanity’s health. Unarguably, there is a burgeoning demand for medical treatments and research of fatal diseases and incurable illnesses, hence the indispensability of science-related professions to humanity. For instance, amidst the coronavirus pandemic, were it not for the development of COVID-19 vaccines, the unrelenting and rampant spread of the virus would even engender a more massive loss of life. Consequently, this would afflict the global economy and ruin many societies. Thus, the salaries of professional workers should be increased proportionately to their valuable contributions to the community.

In conclusion, I wholeheartedly concur with the idea that highly academic employees should earn higher than sports athletes or endorsement figures concerning their essence to society.

Thanks in advance for reviewing my essay!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Many people opine (This is a very rarefied and old-fashioned word. I never use it. Remove it from your word list.) state / have the opinion that those who work in occupations requiring many years of university study ~~highly academic fields~~ such as medicine or education should earn higher salaries ~~due to their remarkable devotion to the community~~ (not in the topic) compared to sportsmen and movie stars. Personally, I totally agree with this ~~perspective~~ as these professions ~~domains~~ (wrong usage) are inextricably linked to ~~humans~~’ (We do not normally use "human" for "people". The context is when comparing with other species or robots.) the well-being of society. and ~~social settings~~. (wrong expression.)

First, it is widely believed that ~~academic fields~~ (That does not make sense.) a highly educated population is ~~are~~ a vital key to the growth of nations. A country’s education system perfectly exemplifies this case. Undoubtedly, ~~when~~ as the quality of education is improved, ~~this will possibly create a~~ the job market also will offer more opportunities for ~~with many~~ academically qualified ~~exceptional~~ workers, potentially resulting in fast-paced advancement in several domains such as medicine or engineering. Conversely, an inadequate education system is associated with high ~~bege~~t (This is a very rarified and old-fashioned Biblical word. I never use it. Remove it from your word list.)~~burgeoning~~ rates of illiteracy and criminality. (The conclusion is not logical. How is the school system connected to people working harder?) Therefore, a rise in average earnings may act as a stimulus for professional workers to work more industriously and productively.

~~Second, knowledge-based domains are closely correlated wit~~h ~~the enhancement of humanity’s health.~~ (I do not see the connection between a field of study and health. "Humanity" does not fit here. You need to explain your arguments more clearly I think this is what you are thinking of.) If there are more people working in the areas of medicine and education, there will be a higher level of health in the community. Unarguably, there is a ~~burgeoning~~ demand for medical treatments and research into cures for of fatal diseases and incurable illnesses, hence the indispensability of people in the science-related professions to society. ~~humanity~~. For instance, amidst the coronavirus pandemic, were it not for the development of COVID-19 vaccines, the unrelenting and rampant spread of the virus would cause ~~even engender~~ a more massive loss of life. Consequently, this would be detrimental to ~~afflict~~ the global economy and ruin many societies. Thus, the salaries of professional workers should be increased proportionately to their valuable contributions to the community.

(That is off-topic. The topic is not about increasing or raising salaries. It is about comparing the salaries of teachers to entertainers, or surgeons to football stars.)

In conclusion, I wholeheartedly concur with the idea that highly academic employees should earn higher than sports athletes or endorsement figures (wrong phrase) concerning their essence to society.(That makes no sense.)

You did not focus on the topic. You never once made an argument comparing the salaries of sports and entertainment figures with teachers. It is not about increasing the professionals' salaries. It is the relative level or averages of their salaries.

Many of your expressions and words are not used idiomatically.

Many students think that if they use high-level vocabulary, they will get a higher band score. This is a false impression. One of the four scoring criteria for Task 2 is "Lexical Resource." A student with a high level of lexical resource not only knows many words, but they know how to use them. Here are the descriptors:

Band score 7:

- uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
- uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
- may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation

Band score 6:

- uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
- attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
- makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

The issue with your essay is that you make too many errors in word choice and usage. It is not enough to know a word from the dictionary; you have to use it correctly and naturally in a sentence. So it is much better to use vocabulary you know well than to make a lot of errors with words you are uncertain about.

Also, please avoid esoteric, rarely-used and old-fashioned words. They impede communication.

Please help correct my essay!

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