Please help check and evaluate my IELTS Writing Task 2

I've been preparing for the upcoming IELTS. Someone, please help check and evaluate my essay for the IELTS Task 2 below. Much appreciated!

Topic: Families who send their children to private schools should not be required to pay taxes that support the state education system. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Answer:

It is considered that taxes that fund public schools should be optionally levied on people whose children are studying in independent schools. In my opinion, I vigorously oppose this point of view for several reasons.

I believe that most of the students of the state education sector are less privileged and need financial support more than anyone else. In comparison with the private education sector, the tuitions of many public schools are considered lower and more affordable, which encourages countless kids to attend schools. Since the incomes of these children’s families are only able to make a living with fundamental standards, this kind of educational subsidy definitely shows its need. For example, a kid whose parents are working as a plumber and a grocery saleswoman with their average monthly income at around $2000 is unable to afford a seat under an expensive independent school’s roof. Therefore, they are left with the only and possible option of sending their kids to public schools at a much more reasonable price.

Personally, I reckon that the majority of the expenses for the public education sector have been backed by governments via the means of imposing taxes on citizens regardless of their socioeconomic status. This can be understood that this category of tax is equally allocated to parents who have their children in either public schools or private schools or even to childless adults. I strongly believe that this paying responsibility helps reinforce the equality of society and guarantee a better future for the young generation with proper education, which is why I support the idea of no exceptions regarding paying taxes for public schools.

To sum up, I expect that no tax exemption would be granted to people who choose private education for their children.