PLEASE HAVE A LOOK AT MY ESSAY. MANY THANKS FOR YOUR FEEDBACK IN ADVANCE!

Question

Some university students move away and live on their own while they are attending school, but others live at home with their family while they are students. Which do you think is a better choice? Give reasons to explain your answer.

These days, with the rapid development of society, the living condition has a tendency to be improved day by day, but meanwhile, people take a risk dealing with a mixed variety of social problems. Therefore, I assume that university students should live on their own as soon as possible in order to stimulate their social skills and the ability to tackle difficulty.
On top of this, it is undeniable that the more practice you make, the more experiences you gain. Admittedly, the undergraduate's life-skill knowledge will be gradually enlarged as soon as they are adapted the ability to address with social problems. Additionally, the youngsters recently is tended to consider their private life and freedom are more substantial than living together with their family, leading in an increase in the number of students those live apart from their home. Finally, it plays a great role in their knowledge acquisition. At the time they grow up, the learning information in family cannot satisfy their curiosity anymore. As a result, they have to find a new living habit which can facilitate the lack of academic sources.
On the contrary, it is clear that living at home leads to many bad results. Without the preparation of life's struggling, students can suffer from the deficiency of practical experiences. Moreover, the family overprotective process usually solves almost their troubles which result in the elimination of endeavors when they have to face with problems alone. Besides, it can prevent them from the opportunity to exert themselves once to practise coping with loneliness.
Despite the arguments above, there is a wide range of reasons both for and against life-independent living, but I have a great belief that it is still a better choice for all university students. The more difficulties you meet, the more grow you become.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You are trying too hard. That is a very common mistake of people learning to write essays. Some of your phrases are unnatural; others are incomprehensible. Write short, simple sentence that express your ideas and arguments. Tackle the topic directly. Use expressions, collocations and vocabulary words that you are certain of.

I would describe your style as an excellent display of

I would describe your style as an excellent display of circumlocution.

These days, with the rapid development of society, (I have no idea what that means. ) the living condition (Not a good phrase) has a tendency to be improved day by day, but meanwhile, people take a risk dealing with a mixed variety of social problems. (That has little meaning. There are a lot of words, but it does not make sense. The sentence has nothing to do with the topic which is about students' choice of a place to live. You did not mention anything about students or a place of residence. ) Therefore, I ~~assume~~ that university students should live on their own as soon as possible in order to stimulate their social skills and the ability to tackle difficulty.

Consider this opening paragraph. It is straightforward. It addresses the topic directly. It gives an opinion that will be defended in the body paragraphs. It uses a variety of sentence structures and appropriate vocabulary.

When teenagers graduate from high school and get accepted to university, they have to decide where to live. If the school is located within commuting distance of their home, they can live with their parents or move into accommodation on their own. Under most circumstances, I would advise them to move out and share a flat with other students so they can begin their lives as responsible adults.

On top of this, (Not a good transition. What does "this" refer to?.) it is undeniable that the more practice you make, (That makes no sense) the more experiences you gain. Admittedly, the undergraduate's life-skill knowledge (Awkward and unnatural) will be gradually enlarged as soon as they are adapted the ability (ungrammatical) to address with (wrong phrase) social problems. Additionally, the youngsters (wrong word) recently is tended (wrong form) to consider their private life and freedom are more substantial (wrong word) than living together with their family, leading in an increase in the number of students those live apart from their home. (ungrammatical) Finally, it plays a great role in their knowledge acquisition. (awkward) At the time they grow up, the learning information in family (unnatural, awkward) cannot satisfy their curiosity anymore. As a result, they have to find a new living habit (wrong word) which can facilitate the lack (wrong expression) of academic sources.

(This is not an advantages/ disadvantages essay. You have to choose your answer and defend it. This paragraph strays off-topic)

On the contrary, it is clear that living at home leads to many bad results. Without the preparation of life's struggling, students can suffer from the deficiency of practical experiences. Moreover, the family overprotective process usually solves almost their troubles which result in the elimination of endeavors when they have to face with problems alone. Besides, it can prevent them from the opportunity to exert themselves once to practise coping with loneliness.
Despite the arguments above, there is a wide range of reasons both for and against life-independent living, but I have a great belief that it is still a better choice for all university students. The more difficulties you meet, the more grow you become. (Nobody can become a "grow". That makes no sense.)

Here is a model essay:

TOPIC: Some university students move away and live on their own while they are attending school, but others live at home with their family while they are students. Which do you think is a better choice? Give reasons to explain your answer.

When teenagers graduate from high school and get accepted to university, they have to decide where to live. If the school is located within commuting distance of their home, they can live with their parents or move into accommodation on their own. Under most circumstances, I would advise them to move out and perhaps share a flat with other students so they can begin their lives as responsible adults.

Entering university is a milestone in people's lives; it marks their transition from being a child to being an adult. Admittedly, a few first-year university students are not mature enough to live on their own, but most are ready to tackle the decisions that come with living independently: managing money and time, cooking and cleaning house, and sharing chores with others. They are anxious and eager to prove that they are mature adults, and their parents should encourage them to face the challenges of living away from the family home. That can be a safety net should they run into obstacles.

However, there are some situations where this choice is not the best one. Living apart costs money that the family might not be able to afford, so the student has to take a part-time job to fund their expenses. This detracts from their study time and may cause them to fail or drop out of school. Second, immature young people may not be emotionally ready to live by themselves. They can waste their time playing games and socializing, or become involved with the wrong group of people. Any of these conditions can lead to them becoming depressed and lonely.

In conclusion, I think the best choice for the majority of students is to live in a flat, perhaps shared with other students. Moving out of the family home will help promote the transition from childhood to adulthood. But young people who are not ready for this should remain with their parents for another year or two.

PLEASE HAVE A LOOK AT MY ESSAY. MANY THANKS FOR YOUR FEEDBACK IN ADVANCE!

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