Please grade my toefl essay?

Hi.. im getting a huge stress of my bad toefl essays..
i really need a correction of my essay and im very glad for your correction..
i hope you guys could grade my essay too..

the question is : Government should pay more attention to the environment than health issues.

A thought provoking current issue concerns government policy.
Some believe that government should pay more attention to the health issues. It is therefore timely to consider the validity of this perspective.
For the following reasons, I believe that government should focus on more to the environment. First, the worse environment is risky to many people's health. Second, paying attention to the environment still lead to great benefits for the economy.

To begin with, environmental problems can worsen health issues. As people in nowadays pursue the convenient life more than it was in the past, many factories were made for producing handy products. These factories created a huge pollution in the air and kept threatening people to get terminal disease.
For example, according to the World Health Organization, earliest industrialized countries have more people suffering from cancers.
This is because the time of being exposed by pollution made by factories is extremely high than lately industrialized countries. What's more, the organization points out that reducing pollution could save 13 million lives each year.
This example shows that health issues can be exacerbated by environmental problems.

In addition, focusing on the environment will greatly benefit the economy.
Environmental policies can boost employment by creating new jobs in environmental sectors. Not only does it boost employment rate of country, but government investment in clean energy can also create sustainable and self-sufficient energy. For example, german government is renowned for its persistent environmental policies. Today, Germany has a multibillion-dollar market for renewable energy, with thousands of positions in the field.
Its investment in renewable energy makes germany less dependent on oil imports and less affected by global energy prices.
This example of germany shows that focusing on the environment is advantageous to the economy.

As mentioned above, I believe that the focus of government should be on the environment. This is because health issues can be worsened by environmental problems, and the government attention on environment will result in great benefits for the economy.