Please give me some suggetions

Question

It is often not a good thing to move to a new town or country because they lose old friends. Given the choice between agreeing or disagreeing the statement that it is often not a good thing to move to a new town or country because they lose old friends, which one do I choose? Some people believe that the answer is positive. However, I totally disagree that it is often not a good thing to move to a new town or country because they lose old friends. There are three reasons stated below.        First of all, it is the innovation of technology that can help us cement our relationships. For example, not only can we use the social networking service to know what happened to our friends, but we can use the webcam to see our friends immediately no matter where they live. In addition, with the development of the airplane and the high-speed rail, the earth we are living is getting smaller and smaller, and is more like a village.          What's more, it is experiencing the different cultures that can broaden our horizons. For instance, I have a friend who moved to the other country when I was young. After several years, she came back in Taiwan, and I thought she became a different person rather than the one I had known. Not merely can she speak different language fluently, and she was more confident than before. Therefore, moving to a new country can actually benefit us.          Most important, as an old saying goes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. In other words, if our friends cannot accompany us owing to the long distance, we will cherish the time that we have each others around rather than quarrel with them. In addition, moving to the new towns or the new country, we can make new friends. That is, making new friends can bring us new thought as well as expand our social network.           To sum up, I totally disagree that it is often not a good thing to move to a new town or country because they lose old friends for several reasons, among them the inventing the new technology, experiencing the different cultures, and cherishing the time we have each others around.

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi Wreckday,

Here are some comments and edits for you to think about. If you don't understand any of it, please ask me.

I wrote a lot aobut your first part, and then didn't look closely at the later part.

If you like, try to rewrite this esssay, bearing n mind my suggestions, and then repost it here.

Clive

It is often not a good thing to move to a new town or country because they lose old friends.

This is not good grammar, because 'there is no noun for 'they' to refer to.

Better is eg

It is often not a good thing for people to move to a new town or country because they lose old friends.

Give some thought to writing in the third person. eg

Some people would agree . . . Most people would disagree. . .

Don't get into the habit of always saying 'I' and always talking about yourself. That's a high-school habit, noit a university approach.

Instead of saying things like 'I totally disagree that it is often . . .' , just say 'It is often . . . ' This makes your statement clearer and stronger.

Given the choice between agreeing or disagreeing with the statement that it is often not a good thing to move to a new town or country because they lose old friends, OK, you've repeated the title once. Don't do it again. If you must mention it, mention it briefly and if possible in slightly different words.

which one do I choose? Some people believe that the answer is positive. However,

I totally disagree that it is often not <<< This is a poor statement. 'Totally' is strong'. 'Often ' is much weaker.

But the real problem is the double negative of 'I disagree that it is not'. This hurts my brain.

Finally, I would avoid 'totally'. The word is associated today with teenage chatter. Say eg 'completely'

a good thing to move to a new town or country because they lose old friends. There are three reasons stated below.

First of all, it is the innovation of technology that can help us cement our relationships. For example, not only can we use the social networking service to know what happened to our friends, but we can use the webcam to see our friends immediately no matter where they live. In addition, with the development of the airplane and the high-speed rail, the earth we are living is getting smaller and smaller, and is more like a village.

What's more, it is experiencing the different cultures that can broaden our horizons. For instance, I have a friend who moved to an ~~the~~ other country when I was young. After several years, she came back to in Taiwan, and I thought she had become ~~became~~ a different person rather than the one I had known. Not merely could ~~can~~ she speak different language fluently, but ~~and~~ she was more confident than before. Therefore, moving to a new country can actually benefit us.

Most important, as an old saying goes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. In other words, if our friends cannot accompany us owing to the long distance, we will cherish the time that we have each others around rather than quarrel with them. In addition, moving to the new towns or the new country, we can make new friends. That is, making new friends can bring us new thought as well as expand our social network.

To sum up, I totally disagree that it is often not a good thing to move to a new town or country because they lose old friends for several reasons, among them the inventing the new technology, experiencing the different cultures, and cherishing the time we have each others around.

Wreckday · Answer

Clive, thanks for your suggestions. That is really helpful to me.

I rewrite my essay, and hope that it comes to your expectation.

Given the choice between agreeing or disagreeing with the statement that moving to a new country is not an wise decision owing to alienating our old friends. Some people believe that the answer is positive. However, moving to a different place, we wouldn’t lose our old friends. There are three reasons stated below.

First of all, it is the innovation of technology that can help us cement our relationships. For example, not only can we use the social networking service to know what happened to our friends, but we can use the webcam to see our friends immediately no matter where they live. In addition, with the development of the airplane and the high-speed rail, the earth we are living is getting smaller and smaller, and is more like a village.

What's more, it is experiencing the diverse cultures that can broaden our horizons. For instance, I have a friend who moved to an other country when I was young. After several years, she came backto Taiwan, and she had become a different person rather than the one I had known. Not merely couldshe speak different language fluently, butshe was more confident than before. Therefore, moving to a new country and experiencing the different cultures can actually benefit us.

Most important, as an old saying goes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. In other words, if our friends cannot accompany us due to the long distance, we will cherish the time that we have each others around rather than quarrel with them. In addition, moving to the new towns or the new country, we can make new friends. That is, making new friends can bring us new thought as well as expand our social network.

To sum up, moving to the different places is not an unwise decision, and we don’t have to be worried about losing our old friends anymore for several reasons, among them the inventing the new technology, experiencing the different cultures, and cherishing the time we have each others around.

Clive · Answer

Hi,

I've offered some edits for you to think about, most of them in an attempt to make everything more strictly third person.

Write another, if you like, on another topic.

Clive

Given the choice between agreeing or disagreeing with the statement that moving to a new country is not an wise decision owing to alienating ~~our~~ old friends, some people would believe that the answer is positive. However, old friends are not lost when people move to a different place. There are three reasons, as stated below.

First of all, innovative technology that can help people cement their relationships. For example, not only can thhe social networking service keep people informed about friends, but they can also use webcamd to see them immediately, no matter where they live. In addition, with the development of the airplane (are you sure you want to cite planes as innovative technology in 2011?) and high-speed rail, the world is getting smaller and smaller, and is more like a village.

What's more, it is experiencing diverse cultures that can broaden people's horizons. For instance, consider this actual example. A young person has a friend who moves to another country. After several years, the friend comes back to Taiwan, and has become a different person. Not merely can she speak a different language fluently, but she also is more confident than before. Therefore, moving to a new country and experiencing different cultures can actually benefit people.

Most important, as an old saying goes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. In other words, if friends cannot

visit people over long distances, time with friends can be cherished and not wasted, for example by quarrelling. In addition, those who to new towns or new countries can make new friends. This can bring new ideas and also expanded social networks.

To sum up, moving to somewhere news is not an unwise decision, and those who move do not have to be worried about losing their old friends anymore for several reasons, among them the introduction of new technology, the opportunty to experiencing different cultures, and a deeper realization of the need to cherish old friends.

Wreckday · Answer

Hi Clive,

Thanks for your editting~

Writting in third person is apropriate for the academic articles, and this method can actually help me not write like a high school student.

But I still have a question that is the topics in TOEFL often ask the participants to express their ideas or choose the site to support or oppose.

It could be possible that writting in first person is more cogent than that in third person?

For exmple,

Some people prefer to get up early in the morning and start the day's work. Others prefer to get up later in the day and work until late at night. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

And my teacher teaching writting in Taiwan suggests the participants to write in first person for TOEFL TEST. So, I'm kinda confused.

Still, I thought your comment is pertinent, and it is very helpful to me.

Thank you very much~!!!!!![Y]

Sally

Clive · Answer

Hi again,

Yes, your teacher is right about writing for TOEFL in first person. Other tests like the SAT are the same.

Generally, I suggest you look at this way. If the first or second person is mentioned in the question or topic, then you are being invited to write in that way. But if not, you have no such invitation.

eg your last topic was

It is often not a good thing to move to a new town or country because they lose old friends.

Write in third person

eg

Some people prefer to get up early in the morning and start the day's work. Others prefer to get up later in the day and work until late at night. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Write in first person.

If you want to post another essay, I'll be happy to check it for you. You learn fast.

Clive

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