Please give me some hints! A "thank you" letter

Question

Hallo, could you please have a look and correct my spell and grammar mistakes. Thank you very much!

Dear Madame, Dear Sir,

I am very glad to be at the point to assess my field research experience in .., Nepal and to thank you for the chance you have given me, by granting me with a.. scholarship.

Since I started the Master Program "......." my wish to work in the field of development and international cooperation has been growing stronger and firmer.
During my Master studies I could enjoy friendly, international academic environment where I was able to gather both professional and personal experiences. I, however, was lacking the practical knowledge, so important for my future career.

Talking about the numerous problems in the developing world, stating statistical data and preparing presentations is one, but for me now, it is all worthless until a person experiences it himself/herself. This is what has happened with me, and this is why I say "Thank you".

The topic of my Master thesis is "...........". I started reading about the theme of my work four months before my trip to Nepal and I was convinced in my theoretical knowledge. Shortly after I arrived in .., however, my world turned around. I have never been in a developing country before and what I have seen and lived through during my filed research in Nepal is an experience for life. Suddenly, all statistical numbers and percentages have acquired a real form and meaning to me, and words like: poverty, disaster, risk and vulnerability have turned into vivid and dramatic images.
Nepal is one of the poorest countries in the world, and the poorest in South-East Asia. More than 77 % of the population lives below the international poverty line of US$ 2 per day, and some 55 % survives on less than US$ 1.25 per day. Nevertheless, I could hardly realize the meaning of these, before I saw it myself.

Without the financial support of ..I would have not been able to afford myself the field research in Nepal. I would have most probably written paper-based master thesis and I would have graduated the master program on a theoretical base.
But to me, it is this unforgettable practical experience that matters; it is the chance to see, feel and realize situations and conditions I have never witnessed before; it is the chance to really understand what developing world means; to observe and analyze the obstacles and constrains of this world towards development and to search for solutions and opportunities.

Thanks to .. and the its MSc field research scholarship, I believe, I have become not only a better specialist but a better person, too
Now, I am convinced that I have found the field of work that fits me well, and I am keen to embrace the new challenges in my professional and personal life.

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Hi,

You have a complicated letter. Perhaps you know someone locally that can assist you.

Your paragraphs are a bit scattered. I am not sure why or to whom you are writing. What do you want to say? What is the purpose? What do you want them to do?

Here are some other sample letters and threads that might help structure your letter.

Good luck.

MH

~~Dear Madame, Dear Sir,~~

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am very glad to be at the point to assess my field research experience in .., Nepal and to thank you for the chance you have given me, by granting me with a.. scholarship.

Since I started the Master Program ".." my wish to work in the field of development and international cooperation has been growing stronger and firmer.
During my Master studies I could enjoy friendly, international academic environment where I was able to gather both professional and personal experiences. I, however, was lacking the practical knowledge, so important for my future career.

Talking about the numerous problems in the developing world, stating statistical data and preparing presentations is one, but for me now, it is all worthless until a person experiences it himself/herself. This is what has happened with me, and this is why I say "Thank you".

The topic of my Master thesis is "..". I started reading about the theme of my work four months before my trip to Nepal and I was convinced in my theoretical knowledge. Shortly after I arrived in .., however, my world turned around. I have never been in a developing country before and what I have seen and lived through during my filed research in Nepal is an experience for life. Suddenly, all statistical numbers and percentages have acquired a real form and meaning to me, and words like: poverty, disaster, risk and vulnerability have turned into vivid and dramatic images.
Nepal is one of the poorest countries in the world, and the poorest in South-East Asia. More than 77 % of the population lives below the international poverty line of US$ 2 per day, and some 55 % survives on less than US$ 1.25 per day. Nevertheless, I could hardly realize the meaning of these, before I saw it myself.

Without the financial support of ..I would have not been able to afford myself the field research in Nepal. I would have most probably written paper-based master thesis and I would have graduated the master program on a theoretical base.
But to me, it is this unforgettable practical experience that matters; it is the chance to see, feel and realize situations and conditions I have never witnessed before; it is the chance to really understand what developing world means; to observe and analyze the obstacles and constrains of this world towards development and to search for solutions and opportunities.

Thanks to .. and the its MSc field research scholarship, I believe, I have become not only a better specialist but a better person, too
Now, I am convinced that I have found the field of work that fits me well, and I am keen to embrace the new challenges in my professional and personal life.

Innna · Answer

Hi MH.
Thank you for the reply. It is a letter with which I would like to say "thank you" for a scholarship I have received some months ago. It is also to express what an important experience it was for me to go abroad with this scholarship. I do not really bother about the structure- I put probably some more emotion in it. I just would like to be sure that the grammar is correct and the spelling of course. I find myself having difficulties with the tenses- it has been long here since I've learned them. Please, if you have some remarks about that let me know- I will be grateful. I am a native Bulgarian and I live in Germany, learn in english and in my head some times it is a big mix. I know that some things I may say in bulgarian, but cannot translate exactly in english, and the same with german. I would be happy if you can make some remarks if needed.
Thank you again for your time.
innna

MountainHiker · Answer

Your letter to me is suprisingly good.

Please revise your thank you letter. Spend more effort on the structure on what you want to say. At present, it sounds like a stream of consciousness. That is, just someone talking without giving much thought or organization to their words.

If you have reasonably organized letter, then it will have more meaning to those reading it.

If it is just a stream of consciousness, it might do more harm than good. The reader will understand that you did not place much importance to it.

So if you clean up your letter. Make sure you have spaces between your paragraphs, then I will help you with your tenses and other minor details. But I want you to demonstrate that you have given a strong effort.

MH

Innna · Answer

Hi MH,
Thank you for your time and help.
I could review my letter and tried to put some structure in it. Could you have a look and tell me your opinion. It still has the passion, but with a little bit more logic

Thank you and I strongly appreciate,
innna

Dear.... scholarship selection committee,
I am very glad to be at the point to assess my field research experience in ...., Nepal and to thank you for the chance you have given me, by granting me with a... scholarship.
Since I started the Master Program "..." at ..., my wish to work in the field of development and international cooperation has been growing and getting firmer.
During my Master studies I could enjoy friendly, international academic environment where I was able to gather both professional and personal experiences. I, however, was lacking the practical knowledge, so important for my future career.
In my master program I have been introduced to numerous problems in the developing world. I have been encouraged to read documents and statistical data and to prepare presentations and protocols. During this process, I could build a solid base of theoretical knowledge; I, however, were missing the profound understanding of the issues that could be accomplished only through personal experience.
Thanks to the ... and its MSc field research scholarship I could travel to Nepal and collect my first participation observations.
The title of my Master thesis is ".....". I started reading about the topic four months before my trip to Nepal and I was convinced that I was well prepared. Shortly after I arrived in ...., however, my world turned around.

I have never been in a developing country before and what I have seen and lived through during my filed research in Nepal is an experience for life. Suddenly, all statistical numbers and percentages have acquired a real form and meaning to me, and words like: poverty, disaster, risk and vulnerability have turned into vivid and dramatic images.

Nepal is one of the poorest countries in the world, and the poorest in South-East Asia.M ore than 77 % of the population lives below the international poverty line of US$ 2 per day, and some 55 % survives on less than US$ 1.25 per day. Nevertheless, I could hardly realize the meaning of these, before I saw it myself.

Without the financial support of... I would have not been able to afford myself the field research in Nepal. I would have most probably written paper-based master thesis and I would have graduated the master program on a theoretical base.
However, to me, it is this unforgettable practical experience that matters: it is the chance to see, feel and realize situations and conditions I have never witnessed before; it is the chance to really understand what developing world means; to observe and analyze the obstacles and constrains of this world towards development and to search for solutions and new opportunities.

Thanks to...and the its MSc field research scholarship, I have not only acquired the practical knowledge, so important for a young specialist, but, I believe, I have become a better person, too.
Now, I am convinced that I have found the field of work that fits me well and I am keen to embrace the new challenges in my professional and personal life.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Innna · Answer

Sorry, some of the paragraphs has not appeared as separate ones.
1-st line- space
New P-ph: During my master program......
New P-ph: In my master program........
New P-ph: The title of my masther thesis......

Thank again,
innna

MountainHiker · Answer

In your next revision, please use "fake" names or something. It's easier to read and make changes than "..."

And please leave spaces between your paragraphs.

Dear Silly scholarship selection committee,

I am very glad to be at the point to assess my field research experience in .., Nepal and to thank you for the chance you have given me, by granting me with a... scholarship. Is this a paragraph? I can't tell because there is no space.

Since I started the Master Program "..." at ..., my wish to work in the field of development and international cooperation has been growing and getting firmer.

During my Master studies I ~~could~~ enjoyed a friendly, international academic environment where I was able to gather both professional and personal experiences. I, however, was lacking the practical knowledge, which is so important for my future career.

In my master program I have been introduced to numerous problems in the developing world. I have been encouraged to read documents and statistical data and to prepare presentations and protocols. During this process, I ~~could build~~ built a solid base of theoretical knowledge; I, however, was ~~were~~ missing the profound understanding of the issues that could be accomplished only through personal experience. (very wordy...sounds artificial)

Thanks to the ... and its MSc field research scholarship I could travel to Nepal and collect my first participation (practical, no idea what you are trying to say) observations.

The title of my Master thesis is "..". I started reading about the topic four months before my trip to Nepal and I was convinced that I was well prepared. Shortly after I arrived in .., however, my world turned around. (What does that mean? My world turned around? My world turns completely around every 24 hours, like clockwork. What is your point?)

I have never been in a developing country before and what I have seen and lived through during my filed research in Nepal is an experience for life. Suddenly, all statistical numbers and percentages have acquired a real form and meaning to me, and words like: poverty, disaster, risk and vulnerability have turned into vivid and dramatic images.

Nepal is one of the poorest countries in the world, and the poorest in South-East Asia.M ore than 77 % of the population lives below the international poverty line of US$ 2 per day, and some 55 % survives on less than US$ 1.25 per day. Nevertheless, I could hardly realize the meaning of these, before I saw it myself.

Without the financial support of... I would have not been able to afford myself the field research in Nepal. I would have most probably written paper-based master thesis and I would have graduated the master program on a theoretical base.

However, to me, it is this unforgettable practical experience that matters: it is the chance to see, feel and realize situations and conditions I have never witnessed before; it is the chance to really understand what developing world means; to observe and analyze the obstacles and constrains of this world towards development and to search for solutions and new opportunities. Very long, wordy, complex, and chaotic. Try several small simpler sentences. You are trying to sound intelligent with overly complex sentences. Unfortunately, it is having the opposite effect.

Thanks to...and the its MSc field research scholarship, I have not only acquired the practical knowledge, so important for a young specialist, but, I believe, I have become a better person, too. Haven't you said this already? You use different words, but the same meaning has already been delivered.

Now, I am convinced that I have found the field of work that fits me well and I am keen to embrace the new challenges in my professional and personal life.

Thank you.

What are the main points you want the reader to know?

Put each main point in a paragraph. In that paragraph, discuss only one main point.

Then thank the reader.

I ~think~ your main points are

1) Thanking them for the grant/scholarship

2) Grant/scholarship has enlarged your understanding of blah blah blah. Your travels to Nepal have given meaning to the dry statistical information contained in text books.

3) Not only has this entire experience helped me academically, but it has helped me personally as I have grown emotionally. I appreciate blah blah blah

4) Thank you

Your problems are not with English. You have a reasonable grasp of English. Your challenge is with structure. You will gain far more good will if you write a thoughtful letter with English mistakes than you will with a chaotic letter with perfect English. In other words, the content and structure is more important than the pedantic English details. What the reader wants most is to know you care and appreciate the opportunity given to you. A thoughtful letter helps convey that feeling. The English stuff is easy to correct.

If I were you, I'd go back and organize your letter a bit better. You have most of the material and content you need. Write in simpler English. Do not try to impress them with long complicated (and mutilated) sentences. Just write in a very straightforward manner, like I am writing to you now. It is easy to read and understand.

Also, try to shorten your letter. Considerably. It is a thank you letter. Brief is good.

MountainHiker · Answer

I was already correcting before your next message arrived.

If you are copying and pasting, I suggest you do this following process:

1) Type "Blah blah" in the open text box.

2) Paste in your letter.

3) Go back to your letter and remove "blah blah" from the top where you pasted.

The dummy text of "blah blah" helps when pasting letters into the text box.

Innna · Answer

Dear MH,

I tried to shorten it and follow your advices- hope there is some improvement. Thank you for your time and effort and for the big help.

Thanks,
innna

Dear CU scholarship selection committee,

I am very glad to be at the point to assess my field research experience in Pokhara, Nepal and to thank you for the chance you have given me, by granting me with a MSc scholarship.

Since I started the Master Program at CU, my wish to work in the field of development and international cooperation has been growing and getting firmer.

During my Master studies I enjoyed a friendly, international academic environment where I was able to gather both professional and personal experiences. I was strongly encouraged to read about the problems in the developing world and to prepare presentations and protocols. During this process, I built a solid base of theoretical knowledge; I, however, was missing the practical experience, which is so important for my professional and personal growing.

Thanks to CU and the MSc scholarship I was granted with, I was able to travel to Nepal and collect my first field observations.

I have never been in a developing country before and what I have seen and lived through during my research in Nepal is an experience for life. Suddenly, all statistical numbers and percentages have acquired a real form and meaning to me, and words like: poverty, disaster, risk and vulnerability have turned into vivid and dramatic images.
Nepal is one of the least developed countries in the world; hardly could I realize the meaning of this, before I saw it myself.

With the financial support of CU and through my work in Nepal I have better understood what a developing world means. I have learned to observe and analyze specific problems and to search for their solutions.
Not only has this entire experience helped me academically, but it has helped me personally, too, as I have grown emotionally.

Now, I am convinced that I have found the field of work that fits me well and I am keen to embrace the new challenges in my professional and personal life.

I strongly appreciate the given to me opportunity.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Innna · Answer

Uf, again some difficulties with the post. I guess i need some more time

Please excuse me.
innna

MountainHiker · Answer

Dear CU scholarship selection committee,

I am writing to you to thank you for granting me with a MSc Scholarship, which has enabled me to conduct field research in Pokhara, Nepal.

~~I am very glad to be at the point to assess my field research experience in Pokhara, Nepal and to thank you for the chance you have given me, by granting me with a MSc scholarship.~~

Since I began ~~started~~ the Master Program at CU, my desire ~~wish~~ to work in the field of development and international cooperation has grown ~~been growing and getting firmer~~.

During my Master studies I enjoyed a friendly, international academic environment where I developed personally and professionally. ~~was able to gather both professional and personal experiences.~~

I ~~was strongly encouraged to~~ read about the problems in the developing world and to prepared presentations ~~and protocols~~. During my studies ~~this process~~, I built a solid base of theoretical knowledge~~; I, however,~~ although I lacked ~~was~~ ~~missing the~~ practical experience, which is so important for my professional and personal development ~~growing~~.

~~Thanks to CU~~ (You alread said in your opening paragraph they gave you a MSc grant. It is now understood.) With your kind assistance ~~and the MSc scholarship I was granted with~~, I was able to travel to Nepal and collect my first field observations.

I have never been in a developing country before and what I have seen and lived through during my research in Nepal is an experience for life. Suddenly, all statistical numbers and percentages have acquired a real form and meaning to me, and words like: poverty, disaster, risk and vulnerability have turned into vivid and dramatic images.
~~Nepal is one of the least developed countries in the world; hardly could I realize the meaning of this, before I saw it myself.~~

Below is an alternative. See if you like it. Feel free to change it.

Because I have never set foot in a developing country before, I was surprised by my Nepal experience. Statistical data took new meaning as I was able to meet and talk with people. Technical terms such as poverty, disaster, risk, and vulnerability have meaning to me now. I now have vivid images of what these words mean. Being one of the least developoed countries in the world, Nepal taught me more during my brief visit than I could ever have hoped to achieve from studying books and journals.

~~With the financial support of CU and through my work in Nepal I have better understood what a developing world means.~~

With my stronger understanding, I have learned to observe and analyze specific problems and to search for their solutions. Not only has this entire experience helped me academically, but it has helped me personally, too, as I have grown emotionally.

Now, I am convinced that I have found the field of work that fits me well and I am keen to embrace the new challenges in my professional and personal life.

I strongly appreciate the ~~given to me~~ opportunity you have given me.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Much better.

Please give me some hints! A "thank you" letter

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