Please give me some feedback on my task 1 writing

Question

The diagram shows how chocolate is produced. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

HERE'S MY WRITING:

The diagram illustrates the process in which chocolate is made. In general, there are 10 steps required to produce chocolate. It starts with the cultivation of cacao pods and ends with pressing the inner part of the beans to get liquid chocolate.

In the first step of the process, the cacao trees are grown in South America, Africa and Indonesia until the ripe pods turn red. Next, the pods are harvested to collect white beans inside and those beans are fermented in the next step. Prior to being put in large sacks of equal weight, the fermented beans are spread under sunlight to dry.

In the next stage of the production, people transport the packaged beans to the factories using trains or lorries. Then they are roasted at 350 Celsius degrees before the outer coat layers are removed and crushed. At the final stage of the procedure, liquid cho chocolate was created by pressing the inner part of the crushed beans.

(161 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

I don't have time right now for your essay, but you can read my advice on this task here, as it was recently submitted by another student.

https://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseReviewIeltsTask1-Writing/bqbchw/post.htm

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The diagram ("process flow chart" is a more precise name) illustrates the process in which chocolate syrup is made from the seed pods of cacao trees, which are cultivated in South America, Africa, and Indonesia.. (Chocolate syrup is liquid chocolate. Your first paragraph is a bit short, so describe where the main ingredient comes from. Growing the trees is not part of the process. )

(new topic, new paragraph) In general, there are ten steps required to produce chocolate. syrup. It starts with the ~~cultivation~~ harvest of cacao pods and ends with pressing the inner part of the beans to get liquid chocolate. (For the task instruction "summarize" you have to group the individual steps into larger units. Besides, you never associate your writing to one of the ten steps. That reduces the coherence and cohesion. )

~~In the first step of the process,~~ ~~the cacao trees are grown in South America, Africa and Indonesia.~~ (Growing the trees is not repeated every time a new crop is harvested. The trees grow for many years.) The first step of the process starts when the fruit matures and the ~~ripe~~ pods turn red. Next, the pods are harvested and slit open to collect white beans inside. The ~~and those~~ beans are fermented in the next step. Prior to being put in large sacks of equal weight, the fermented beans are spread under sunlight to dry.

In the next stage (You have never mentioned any stages. There is no coherence and cohesion.) of the production, people transport the sacks ~~packaged beans~~ to the factories using trains or lorries. Then they are roasted at 350 Celsius degrees ~~before~~ after which the outer coat layers are removed and crushed. At the final stage of the procedure, liquid cho chocolate was (inconsistent. All the other tenses are simple present.) created by pressing the inner part of the crushed beans.

Please give me some feedback on my task 1 writing

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