Please give me some feedback on my IELTS Writing Task 2. Thanks!

Some people think a country benefits a lot from a large number of young people entering into university. However, others think that sending young people to universities only leads to graduate unemployment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

University attendance seems like a no-brainer in today’s society, where education is the priority of almost all governments and individuals. However, some people hold the conception that there is no point in the investment for higher education, as it results in a lot of unemployed with a bachelor’s degree. Personally, I would argue that this thinking is unfounded, and it is impossible to deny the critical role of universities.

On the one side, third-level education provides sources of high-quality labor. This is attributed to the larger amount of theoretical and practical knowledge, as well as career experiences that a student acquires in colleges or universities, compared to a person who just complete secondary school or high school learning programs. As a result, companies and organizations do not have to divert much money to training courses for their employees. On a grander scale, people with a university qualification tend to have a more lucrative income, which contributes substantially to the government budget through income taxes, thereby improving the human development index of a nation.

It is understandable why tertiary education is gradually underrated by many people. Recent reports indicate that the unemployment rate among graduates is increasing markedly, which can put a large burden on their families and society. Additionally, those who cannot have financial independence even when exerting themselves in seeking job opportunities may fall into serious depression and negative thoughts, which can lead to social’s vices and criminal commitment. Nevertheless, this judgment is flawed, as factors behind graduate unemployment are multi-faceted. The key rationale is that the labor market now is more competitive than ever, and the supply and demand of employees in some sectors are not consistent.

In conclusion, further education is vital if a country wants to reap the benefits of young people, and it cannot be blamed for graduate unemployment.