Please give me some feedback on my IELTS Writing Task 1. Thanks!

Question

The chart shows British Emigration to selected destinations between 2004 and 2007.The bar chart compares the number of British emigrating to five nations, namely Australia, Spain, New Zealand, the USA, and France from 2004 to 2007.Overall, Australia welcomed the most immigrants from British over the entire period while New Zealand and the USA were two uncommon destinations. In addition, the number of people leaving British showed a downward trend, despite the highest data were seen in 2006.In 2004, there were nearly 42 thousand British people coming to Australia, Spain was in second place with roughly 35 thousand, followed by the USA, New Zealand, and France (about 25 thousand each). Over the next year, British emigration to Australia and USA decreased marginally by almost 3 thousand and 6 thousand respectively while that of France rose by half.2006 recorded the largest quantity of about 160 thousand British emigrants, owing to increases of around 10 thousand and 5 thousand respectively in Australia and USA. By the final year, substantial declines occurred in British immigration of all the five countries, with the largest of roughly 9 thousand in Australia, but it still maintained the dominant position over the four years.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar chart compares the number of British emigrating to five nations, namely Australia, Spain, New Zealand, the USA, and France every year from 2004 to 2007.

Overall, Australia welcomed the most immigrants from British (wrong word - British are people.) over the entire period while New Zealand and the USA were the two least common ~~uncommon~~ destinations. In addition, the number of people leaving British showed a downward trend, except for ~~despite~~ the highest total ~~data were seen~~ in 2006.

In 2004, there were nearly 42 thousand British people coming to Australia, (comma splice error) Spain was in second place with roughly 35 thousand, followed by the USA, New Zealand, and France (about 25 thousand each). ~~Over~~ In the next year, British emigration to Australia and USA decreased marginally by almost 3 thousand and 6 thousand respectively while that of France rose by half. (Do not start a new paragraph. The topic has not changed.)

2006 Do not begin a sentence with a number.) ~~recorded~~ The largest number ~~quantity~~ (We do not use "quantity" with people.) of about 160 thousand British emigrants, was recorded in 2006, owing to increases of around 10 thousand and 5 thousand respectively in Australia and USA. By In the final year, substantial declines occurred for ~~in British immigration of~~ all the five countries, with the largest of roughly 9 thousand in for Australia, but it still maintained the dominant position over the four years.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The bar graph compares emigration numbers from Great Britain to Australia, Spain, New Zealand, France and the USA each year between 2004 to 2007.

Overall, Australian immigration was consistently higher than the other countries, and Spain came in second. New Zealand and the USA were the lowest and they had about the same four-year average.

In detail, there were 146 thousand emigrants in 2004, and the most common destination was Australia with 42 thousand, followed by Spain, with 35 thousand. The other three countries accepted 22 to 23 thousand each. The next year, 2005, was unusual in that France rivaled Spain, at around 33 thousand. This was the year of maximum numbers to France; other years averaged about 25 thousand. Over the period, New Zealand showed the smallest variation, ranging between 20 and 23 thousand. In comparison, the USA had a larger range, from 18 to 24 thousand, but its averages were quite close to New Zealand's. In the last year, 2007, the total was 129 thousand with France having the lowest count, just under 20 thousand, and the USA, New Zealand at 20 thousand each.

Please give me some feedback on my IELTS Writing Task 1. Thanks!

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