Please give me some feedback on my IELTS Writing Task 1. Thanks!

Question

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013. Units sold (million)The bar chart compares the turnover from sales of five leading mobile phones corporations, namely Samsung, Apple, Nokia, LG and ZTE from 2019 to 2013. Overall, Samsung and Nokia were two dominant brands throughout the period but showed completely opposite trends. Meanwhile, the other three brands were still unpopular, despite two of them showed upward trajectories.In the initial year, Nokia rank first by selling around 440 million cell phones, with Samsung coming in second (roughly 230 million), followed by LG and ZTE (120 million and 50 million each) and finally Apple at about 25 million. The positions persisted over the next 2 years, except for Apple quadrupling and surpassing LG by a negligible number. Increases also occurred in global sales of Samsung and ZTE, while marginal falls of almost 20 million each in Nokia and LG were observed by 2011. All five brands continued their trend lines until the final year. Samsung overtook Nokia to become the corporation with the highest turnover of mobile phones, at 450 million, doubling that of 2009. Nokia and LG decreased markedly to 250 million and 80 million, while Apple and ZTE reached 150 million and 70 million respectively in 2013.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The units are missing from the chart. Did you copy it correctly?

The bar chart compares the turnover (wrong word) from sales of five leading mobile phones (wrong form) corporations, namely Samsung, Apple, Nokia, LG and ZTE from 2019 to 2013. (incorrect. This is not continuous data over four years. It is three separate and distinct points in time)

Overall, Samsung and Nokia were the two dominant brands throughout the period but showed completely opposite trends. Meanwhile, the other three brands were still unpopular, (wrong word) despite two of them showed upward trajectories.

(ungrammatical. You need to practice relative clause structure with many complex sentences, so you do not have ungrammatical sentence structures in your essays. Practice writing separate sentences and post them in the "Grammar" forum.)

In the initial year, Nokia rank first by selling around 440 million cell phones, with Samsung coming in second (roughly 230 million), followed by LG and ZTE (120 million and 50 million each) and finally Apple at about 25 million. The positions persisted over the next 2 years, (incorrect. This is not continuous data for two years. You have no information about the sales in between.) except for Apple quadrupling and surpassing LG by a negligible number. Increases also occurred in global sales of Samsung and ZTE, while marginal falls of almost 20 million each in Nokia and LG were observed by 2011. (You do not need another paragraph. The topic has not changed.)

All five brands continued their trend lines (Do not use expressions and vocabulary that is appropriate for line graphs. in a bar chart. Learn that vocabulary is different for these two types of plots.) until the final year. Samsung overtook Nokia to become the corporation with the highest turnover of mobile phones, at 450 million, doubling that of 2009. Nokia and LG decreased markedly to 250 million and 80 million, while Apple and ZTE reached 150 million and 70 million respectively in 2013.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Here is a sample essay. Study the vocabulary for bar charts and compare it with vocabulary for line graphs.

Also, to get the highest score, you have to do some simple primary-school arithmetic, combining categories where it is logical.

The bar chart plots how many mobile phones were sold worldwide for the five top-selling global brands in 2009, 2011 and 2013. The companies are Samsung, Apple, Nokia, LG and ZTE.

While Samsung, Apple and ZTE increased sales, the other two declined. Also, Samsung and Nokia were dominant, but they changed their ranks, with Samsung besting the previous leader, Nokia, in 2013.

In detail, a total of 850 million units were sold in 2009, compared to 970 million in 2013. At first, Nokia had the largest market share (450 million), a little more than half the total. Its nearest competitor was Samsung, with a quarter (230 million). The remainder was divided among LG, ZTE and Apple, in that order. However, Nokia's sales dropped so much that in 2013, it had only a quarter of the market, 250 out of 970 million. In comparison, Samsung had captured almost half (45%). Apple's sales went up significantly, from 20 million to 150 million units, which put it in third position after Nokia in 2013. ZTE sales remained in a narrow range between 30 and 50 million and LG's sales halved from 120 in 2009 to 60 million four years later.

Please give me some feedback on my IELTS Writing Task 1. Thanks!

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