Please give me some feedback on my IELTS Writing Task 1 2. Thanks!

The line graph compares the percentages of cinema visitors aged 7 to over 35 at least once a month during the period of 20 years starting from 1984.

As can be inferred from the graph, it is evident cinema was preferred among the age group of 7 to 35, which revealed considerable increases with some marked variations. In the interim, people aged 35 or older experienced a moderate rise and accounted for less proportion of cinema attendance per month.

In 1984, the percentages of filmgoers aged 15 to 24 and 25 to 35 stood at around 16% and 5% respectively. After growing progressively until 1992, these fluctuated wildly and ultimately reached nearly 51% and 30% at the end of the period. The proportion of children going to the cinema witnessed a wild oscillation during the whole span, reaching 30% in 2003, as much as that of 25 to 35 age group and exactly tripled that of 1984.

Regarding for people aged 35 or more, it was only a tiny minority, hovering at approximately 2% in the first 8 years. Then for the rest of the time frame, there was a gradual improvement of roughly 10% with a slight fluctuation in 2000. Finally, it still remained the least popular audience of cinema.