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Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

My essay:

People have different views about the benefits of going to the tertiary education in these days. Some people maintain that the main goal of studying at the university is to have a successful career, while others agure that there are more valuable things that these studies can bring to both individuals and society.

To begin with, students who is studying academic courses at the university have more opportunity to pursue their successful career. Firstly, they can learn lots of skills that are taught only in this academic enviroment. For example, lectures provide some of interactive skills, critical thinking, the basic knowledge of academic subjects for their students. Secondly, more jobs such as lawyers, teachers or doctors require the high levels of certification like bachelor degree or even masters degree. If students want to fulfill their dream, they must have to attend to the tertiary education.

Nevertheless, getting better jobs is not the only aim that is brought from attending the university. In terms of individuals, if they got a bachelor degree, they would become self-confident and they could pursue their ideal job that they want to have. In addition, they could afford many expenses in their household and their child could have the better enviroment to live and study. Another benefit is that more high-flyer undergraduates contribute to the economic growth of their countries, which brings more jobs to employees and the goverments do not face with the increase of unemployment problem.

In conclusion,although there are convincing arguments for the aims of studying at the university, I believe that tertiary education not only helps students to get better job in the future, but it also makes something valuable for both individuals and society.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

PLEASE give me Feedbacks about my essay

PLEASE is a polite word, but not when it is in all-caps. That is yelling and screaming.
Feedback is non-count. Do not use it in the plural.
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The best collocation is "feedback on .." not "feedback about."

Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

My essay:

People have different views about the benefits of going to the tertiary education in these days. Some people maintain that the main goal of studying at the university is to have a successful career, while others agure that there are more valuable things that these studies can bring to both individuals and society. (So where is your opinion? The first paragraph of an essay must have your thesis statement. That gives the foundation and set up the structure of your argument in the body of the essay. Note: "tertiary education" is not used in American English. Even in British English, you have not used it correctly.)

To begin with, students who is studying academic courses at the university have more opportunity to pursue (Not a good word choice) their successful career. First, they can learn lots of skills that are taught only in this academic enviroment. For example, lectures provide some of interactive skills, critical thinking, (missing word.) (Aside: In lectures, there is usually not much interaction or even thinking on the part of the students...) the basic knowledge of academic subjects f~~or their students~~. Second, more jobs such as lawyers, teachers or doctors require the high levels of certification like (missing word.) bachelor degree or even (missing word.) masters degree. If students want to fulfill their dream, they must have to attend to the tertiary education.

Nevertheless, getting better jobs is not the only aim that is brought (unnatural. We do not bring aims.) from attending the university. In terms of individuals, if they got a bachelor degree, they would become self-confident and they could pursue their ideal job (Isn't that the same as getting a job?) that they want to have. In addition, they could afford many expenses in their household and their child could have the better enviroment to live and study. Another benefit is that more high-flyer undergraduates contribute to the economic growth of their countries, which brings more jobs to employees and the goverments do not face with the increase of unemployment problem.

In conclusion,although there are convincing arguments for the aims of studying at the university, I believe that tertiary education not only helps students to get better job in the future, but it also makes something valuable for both individuals and society.

PLEASE give me Feedbacks about my essay

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