Please give me feedback on my scholarship essay

I’m not sure how to connect all of these paragraphs yet, but the deadline is coming so I really need some feedback! Thanks!

Address the topics listed below and provide any additional information you would like a scholarship committee to consider. Your essay should be no more than 1000 words and include ALL of the following:

• Details of any high school, campus, and/or community involvement you may have.
• A description of your field of study and your associated career goals.
• Details of any financial hardships or special circumstances you may have and how receiving a scholarship will assist you in reaching your goals.

2)I am a citizen of a developing, newly independent country XXX, where most of the women pursue careers in medicine, education, or marry into money and become a housewife. The tenacious and persistent stereotypes that engineering programs are not “suitable” for females influence the career decisions XXX women make. It is a reality that people’s dreams and career aspirations are governed by social and cultural barriers. The idea that it is “too difficult” for women is extremely common in my country. Young girls do not even consider the engineering field when choosing a prospective profession due to gender stereotypes. For this reason, many do not think about continuing their education after high school. The absence of female role models in the engineering field does not give incentive to the younger female generation. As an XXX young woman, I aspire to be an example to all the girls in my country and other developing countries by pursuing a career in Mechanical Engineering. Through my example, my goal is to represent that engineering is not gender-specific and encourage more women to enroll in engineering programs as well as other STEM-based majors.

1) Working part-time for XXX and researching augmented reality as well as creating an AR headset made me realize how much more there is to engineering. Being in a creative, learning environment where I can openly express my ideas and not be shut down, engaging in passionate conversations with my teammates made me fall in love with engineering even more. I’m currently in the process of designing and building an AR headset which will be used in the XXX Makerspace. Knowing that something that I am crafting with my own hands will be used for educational purposes by other people brings me extreme joy and makes me even more confident about my chosen career path.

Currently I’m a member of the Society of Women Engineers (SWE) at XXX and strongly believe in cooperation and teamwork. Therefore, I always attend events where I can support other women in this field as well as get inspired myself. Why ride in the engineering rollercoaster alone? It’s also imperative for me to feel connected and a sense of belonging to this male dominated field. In some of my classes, I still feel like I don’t fit in but I’m trying to not let that affect my decisions in any way. However, I want the future generation of girls to not feel that way.

I’m also in the XXX (Mentoring Program) and attend all the socials we have. Moreover, I plan on becoming a mentor for international students like myself next fall since I know what it’s like to come to a new country and not know anyone, find your way around.

The moment I heard about the Speech Contest at XXX I knew I wanted to compete. I made it to the semifinals which was a wonderful experience since I believe that public speaking is vital for engineers to be able to deliver and present their innovations, ideas to people. The topic I chose was about women in engineering and how the industry only blossoms with the female perspective and a diverse workforce. I received a lot of positive feedback on my speech which is major for me since I had to get out of my comfort zone to get on that stage. When I started to view my fears as opportunities for growth, it all began to look almost like a piece of cake for me. Similar to the one that Bruce eats in the movie “Matilda”. Scary but desirable at the same time.

2) My major, for me, is like a car, my favorite one. It will let me drive to my wildest dreams and goals. I think the hardest thing about dreaming big is saying them out loud. I’ve been practicing that almost every night before I go to bed. Mechanical Engineering is a broad field and that’s one of the many reasons I’m so passionate about it. Research, errors and hard work create solutions and products for us to use in our everyday lives. It connects people.

3) The look of gratitude in my parents eyes when I brought home my salary from working as an English tutor at an educational center in XXX was one of my motivations to wake up before the sunrise and travel for 45 minutes in a bus to the city. The pandemic affected my dad’s small business vastly and having to send both me and my sister for college the same year has been difficult for them. They worked hard all their lives to give the opportunity to their four daughters to receive education and chase their dreams and as a girl from a developing country, I’m grateful for that. Growing up, sometimes I would hear remarks from other people about how hard it must be to not have a son in the family who would support my parents when they are old. I never understood why they would say that and want the story of my success to be an example for people who think that way to treat their daughters equally.

To continue my education in Mechanical Engineering and achieve my above mentioned goals I will need financial help. Worrying less about money would be extremely helpful to focus on my classes, my job and extracurricular activities.

It’s the fuel that I need for my car that I already started to keep going and eventually, reach the desired destinations.