Please give me feedback for my IELTS Task 1: Table

Question

Topic: The table below gives information about the underground railwaysystems in six cities.Essay:The table shows data about underground railway networks in six major cities.Overall, the table compares six networks in terms of their age, size, and the number of passengers each year. The three oldest underground rail systems are longer and carry more passengers than the newer systems.In detail, the two oldest underground systems were opened in London and Paris in 1863 and 1900, respectively. The fourth newest network, in Tokyo, was opened 54 years earlier than the Kyoto system. Two railway systems in America were opened after the middle of the nineteenth century, with the newest being in Los Angeles in 2001.The London system is the largest, with 394 kilometers, while the two shortest networks are in Kyoto and Los Angeles, with under 30 kilometers. The routes of other railway systems, with between 200 and 100 kilometers, are Paris (199), Tokyo (155) and Washington (126).The Tokyo network has the most passengers, with 1927 million per year, followed by the Paris system, with 1191 million per year. While the London network serves 775 million passengers per year, the numbers of passengers in Kyoto and Los Angeles are not higher than 50 million per year.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You can improve your essay by reorganizing the paragraphs, balancing them and honing the transitions and using pronouns for better coherence and cohesion.

Each paragraph has one topic sentence.
The paragraphs are:

1. Table description, without discussing the information contents

2. Main features in the information

3. Details and comparisons.

Another technique which will boost the band score is to do some elementary arithmetic for comparisons instead of simply copying and reporting the numbers. One opportunity for this task is to compare which railways are the busiest.

Tokyo's underground is the busiest. It carries over 12 million passengers per km per year as compared to the least busy, which is Washington at 1 million per km per year.

The table shows data about underground railway networks in six major cities. It compares them in terms of their age, size, and the number of passengers each year. Two are in Europe: London and Paris, two in the United States: Washington DC and Los Angeles, and two in Japan: Kyoto and Tokyo.

Overall, the three oldest underground rail systems, London, Paris and Tokyo, are longer and carry more passengers than the newer systems. (You need to pick two or three main features for this paragraph. )

In detail, (Pick some interesting comparisons for this paragraph.) the two oldest underground systems were opened in London and Paris in 1863 and 1900, respectively. The fourth newest network, in Tokyo, was opened 54 years earlier than the Kyoto system. Two railway systems in America were opened after the middle of the nineteenth century, with the newest being in Los Angeles in 2001.

The London system is the largest, with 394 kilometers, while the two shortest networks are in Kyoto and Los Angeles, with under 30 kilometers. The routes of other railway systems, with between 200 and 100 kilometers, are Paris (199), Tokyo (155) and Washington (126).

The Tokyo network has the most passengers, with 1927 million per year, followed by the Paris system, with 1191 million per year. While the London network serves 775 million passengers per year, the numbers of passengers in Kyoto and Los Angeles are not higher than 50 million per year.

Please give me feedback for my IELTS Task 1: Table

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