Please give me feedback about my IELTS Task 1: pie chart

Question

The chart shows the results of surveys in one African country asking teenagers the main reasons for using their phones between 2016 and 2019.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Essay:

The pie charts provide a comparison of the percentages of four principal purposes for which young people used their mobile phones during the period between 2016 and 2019.

Overall, there were not big differences in the percentages of each main reason for four years. The numbers of teenagers spending time on social networks were the highest, while the numbers of phone calls were the cheapest from 2016 to 2019.

The rate of people choosing digital cameras remained constant in 2016 and 2017, at 15%, and increased slightly in the following years, at 18% in 2018 and 20% in 2019. By contrast, there were no significant differences in the proportions of younger opting, with the approximate figures of 24–25% in the two previous years, then fell by 4-5% in the two following years.

Two remaining reasons have big differences in the rates of young people choosing them. In 2016 and 2017, the proportions of social networks were nearly tenfold higher than the rates of phone calls. In 2019, the highest rate was seen in the percentage of social networks, which was 51% higher than that of phone calls.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays. You misuse the usual vocabulary words.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

It is not a good essay.

Many expressions were incorrect, and words used wrongly. The vocabulary for math/science contexts is very very precise. There is not much opportunity to use synonyms.

The words "rate", "fluctuation", "figure" are so often misused, that I have written advice explaining how to use these words. You did not read my advice. The link is posted above in this thread.

You use "proportion" and "percentage" incorrectly. If there is a large whole pizza and you cut it into four pieces, each piece is 25% of the pizza. When you write percentage of X, then X is what the whole - everything added up together - is.

You did not determine what the "whole" is for these pie charts. That is one of the main problems with your essay. For example, you write "Percentage of social networks". I have no idea what half or 25% of social networks is, unless you mean half of the registered accounts on all the social networks.

There was not much coherence or cohesion because you did not introduce the topic adequately.

It is a good attempt, though, because this is a very challenging task. If you practice these essays, you will learn the vocabulary words and the correct expressions.

The (How many? ) pie charts provide a comparison of the percentages of four principal purposes (That is not good English. It is not "percentages of four reasons." What is the basis (what represents 100%) for these charts?) for which young people used their mobile phones during the period between 2016 and 2019. (Not good. This implies continuous data over all four years. This is not a line graph. Do not use the time expressions good for line graphs figures with discrete time point data. Also you did not mention what the four purposes are. )

Overall, there were not big differences in the percentages of each main reason (You have not told the reader what they are.) for four years. The numbers (There are no numbers on these charts. A number would be something like 23,876, 9,873 or 1,287. ) of teenagers (You wrote "young people" and now you write "teenagers". This destroys the coherence. It confuses the reader.) spending time on social networks were the highest, while the numbers of phone calls (So what is on the charts, numbers of teenagers or numbers of phone calls? It makes no sense. I think you do not understand this infographic.) were the cheapest (How does money appear on the charts? Are these teens buying things?) from 2016 to 2019.

The rate (You have misused this word. Read my advice. Rate is not the same as percentage. Percentages of people is not "rate of people". ) . of people choosing digital cameras (Where are digital cameras on the charts? You said it was cell phones. ) remained constant in 2016 and 2017, at 15%, and increased slightly in the following years, at 18% in 2018 and 20% in 2019. By contrast, there were no significant differences in the proportions of younger (Younger is a comparative adjective. The younger brother is 18 years old..) opting, with the approximate figures (Misused word. Read my advice.) of 24–25% in the two previous years, then fell by 4-5% in the two following years.

Two remaining reasons (Poor coherence and cohesion. You have not identified the four reasons.) have big differences in the rates of young people choosing them. In 2016 and 2017, the proportions of social networks (Incorrect. A proportion of social networks might be 50% of the total number of registered accounts on the social networks. This is not on the chart.) were nearly tenfold higher than the rates of phone calls. (A "rate of phone call" is how much money you pay per minute for a call) . In 2019, the highest rate was seen in the percentage of social networks, which was 51% higher than that of phone calls.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

How to write this kind of "survey response" Task 1 essay.

First, you have to understand the figures, in this case, pie charts.

The "whole" of each pie chart is all the results from the survey of one particular year. For example, if 50,000 teenagers answered the survey in 2016, the "whole" of that pie chart is 50,000 survey answers. If 100,000 teenagers answered the survey in 2017, then the "whole" is 100,000 survey answers.

If the percentage is the same on the two charts, it does not mean that the numbers are the same. There is no information about numbers at all. So you cannot use "number" in your essay.

So what was the survey? It had one question and four check boxes. The question was: "What function do you use on your phone the most?" The check boxes were "social networking", "emailing", taking pictures" and "calling". Each person could pick only one check box.

Here are different ways to write the opening paragraph. Although the wording is different, they all give a complete description of the pie charts and have all the necessary information for the body paragraphs.

Opening paragraph #1

The four pie charts, labeled each year from 2016 through 2019, break down the primary usage of mobile phones reported by teens in an African country. There were four choices: social networking, email, phone calls and taking photos.

Opening paragraph #2

The pie charts show the results of four surveys of teenagers of an African country concerning the primary way they use their mobile phones. Surveys were done each year between 2016 and 2019, and participants could choose one from these four categories: social networking, email, phone calls and taking photos.

Opening paragraph #3

A survey was conducted each year between 2016 and 2019, of teenagers in an African country, asking them for the single most important use of their mobile phone. They had four options: social networking, email, phone calls and taking photos. The pie charts show the percentages for each option.

Opening paragraph #4

The pie charts compare the responses from a questionnaire asking teens in an African country what the primary use of their mobile phone was. Each participant could pick one of these: social networking, email, phone calls and taking photos. Results were compiled annually from 2016 to 2019.

Here is an example of the two body paragraphs; one for the "main features" and a second for the "relevant comparisons."

Note that you can add categories together - if you add "phone calls" + "digital camera" the result is all the teens who picked either of these two. Task 1 essays that combine categories in mathematically logical ways get higher marks compared to those that just copy single values from the figure to the essay.

Overall, about three-quarters mainly used their phones for either social networking or email. And the majority of participants selected social networking, except in 2017, when it was slightly less. Making phone calls was consistently the least chosen option.

In detail, taking photos became more popular, rising from 15%, or third place, in 2016 to 20%, second place, in 2019. Making phone calls had the opposite trend. Declining from one in ten in 2016 to one in twenty in 2019, it consistently ranked in last place. Exchanging emails also dropped marginally from a quarter to 19%. The most frequently chosen category was social networking, ranging from a low of 48% in 2017 to its maximum of 56% in 2019.

Please give me feedback about my IELTS Task 1: pie chart

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