PLEASE EVALUATE MY WRITING PART 2!!! THANK ALL OF YOU

Question

TOPIC: At the present times, the population of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people

Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? ( test 5 cam 12)

Nowadays, there is a vast multitude of young adults living in comparison with the number of the elderly. From my perspective, this can make a large contribution to economic development and society for the following reasons.

First of all, young people are able to hasten the national economy. For example, together with the increase in the number of the young, the government and businesses may have abundant workforce that is very integral to company expansion. Moreover, the youth are always the people who have ability to obtain quickly novel things such as modern equipments, which are the basis for forming this digital era. Furthermore, because young officers have tendency to follow the trends, they usually come up with variety of strategies that might not be binded by common convention. For instance, when facing the financial obstacles, the senior workers who are disciplined and sometimes quite stuffy, always handle the problems in their own old ways and eventually fail, the younger will not only fastly take advantages of the market volatility and salvage the company from bankruptcy but also minimize the loss as much as possible.

Secondly, the young are supposed to be the trail blazers in innovations. With the effort to exploring the world, they have published many documents that are very precious and lay the foundation for the further research. Especially, thanks to the cutting-edge technology, the later generation spends more money on daily products as cosmetics, food,ect… so as to enhance the virtue of life quality. This leads to the horrifying consumption of products and then gradually boosts the gross output annually.

In conclusion, young people play a vital role in developing countries. Although, it is undeniable that there are also many drawbacks such as fledgling labour, I believe that by means of regulating the ratio of population, we can get a lot of benefits from it.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Nowadays, there is a vast multitude of young adults living in comparison with the number of the elderly. (The topic is talking about different countries, so you have to include that qualification. Also "vast multitude" is very unnatural.) From my perspective, this can make a large contribution to economic development and society. (The examiner knows that you will give your reasons in the body paragraphs, so the following phrase should be deleted.) ~~for the following reasons~~.

Here are some example sentences

Some countries have a relatively youthful population.
Some countries have a high proportion of people in the 18-25 age group.
Some countries have a population that is dominated by young adults.
Some countries have few elderly or older adults compared to the number of young adults.

First of all, young people are able to contribute to ~~hasten~~ the national economy. For example, together with the increase in the number of the young, the government and businesses may have ~~abundant~~ a robust / dynamic workforce that is ~~very~~ integral to company expansion. Moreover, the youth are always the people who have ability to obtain quickly novel (unnatural) things such as modern equipments, (wrong form. Equipment is non-count. Equipment usually refers to heavy machinery.) which are (wrong form) the basis for forming this digital era. Furthermore, because young officers (wrong word. Officers refer to police or military.) have tendency to follow the trends, (ungrammatical. Comma splice error) they usually come up with variety of strategies that might not be binded (wrong word) by common convention. For instance, when facing ~~the~~ financial obstacles, the senior workers who are disciplined and sometimes quite stuffy, always handle the problems in their own old ways and eventually fail, (ungrammatical. Comma splice error) the younger will not only fastly (wrong word ) take advantages (wrong form) of the market volatility (I do not understand this point.. Do you mean they are trading shares and options in the financial markets?) and salvage (wrong word) the company from bankruptcy but also minimize the loss as much as possible.

~~Secondly~~, Second, the young are supposed to be the trail blazers in innovations. With the effort to exploring the world, (Can you be more clear?) they have published many documents that ~~are very precious and~~ lay the foundation for the further research. (I do not understand your point. Are you talking about university research departments?) Especially, thanks to the cutting-edge technology, the later generation spends more money on daily products as cosmetics, food,ect… (Do not use "etc." or "..." or phrases such as "and so on" in formal writing.) so as to enhance the virtue (unnatural - I do not know what you mean.) of life quality. This leads to the horrifying consumption of products and then gradually boosts the gross output annually.

In conclusion, young people play a vital role in developing countries. Although, it is undeniable that there are also many drawbacks such as fledgling labour, (You did not mention this in the body paragraphs. Do not introduce any new ideas in the conclusion) I believe that by means of regulating the ratio of population, (off-topic - the topic is not about laws restricting the number of children.) we can get a lot of benefits from it.

You did not answer the topic very well. The essay prompt is:

Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

You did not write about any disadvantages. You wrote two body paragraphs, both about the positive aspect of a youthful population. You did not compare these advantages with the disadvantages and argue which is superior.

PLEASE EVALUATE MY WRITING PART 2!!! THANK ALL OF YOU

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