Please evaluate my IELTS Task 2 Essay

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer.

A considerable number of people argue that females should not be rejected for positions in the military and that they should get equal treatment just as their male counterparts. I totally agree with this statement because women can obviously bring a lot to the table.
My first and most important reason to back this up is that nowadays military work is not as physically demanding as it was back in the days due to the rapid technological change. Positions in management, machine control, and logistics are increasing in number, while infantry jobs are the opposite. Coincidentally, women are naturally more patient and resourceful than men, and they are fully capable of being under pressure for a long amount of time, which happens to be suitable for these kinds of positions. They also possess less aggressive tendencies and more leadership skills that could be beneficial to the organization.
Secondly, military jobs are just the same as any other jobs, with specific requirements and criteria. If a person, no matter what sex they are, can fulfill those requirements, they should get the position. Many women, because of the pressure from the society of not being the preferred gender in the army, have worked the best they can to achieve such impressive academic records and personal profile. And yet they still get rejected over their less competent male interviewee. That is tremendously unacceptable to me. Equality should be a goal that every organization needs to take into consideration. Of course, it is a systematic problem that will not be solved overnight.
In conclusion, women should be allowed to work in the military and be treated equally as their male coworkers. They have a lot to contribute to a nation’s defense force.