Please edit the sentence

Question

His works, which have basically formed a unique style by learning from the Mother Nature as his master, are of both leisure and grandness that combined tranquility with mobility; and are graceful in taste.

(He is an artistic painter)

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

Your sentence could be amended in more than one way, Jobb. Here is mine:

'His works, based on a unique style learnt from Mother Nature as his master, are both leisurely and grand, combining tranquility with mobility and grace.'

Basically, you have tried to squeeze too many adjectives into the sentence, which makes the composition a bit awkward no matter how it is re-structured.

Guest · Answer

I agree; too many adjectives.

How about:

His unique style, influenced by Mother Nature (shouldn't she be a mistress rather than a master if you want to keep this part, but then mistress sounds just as odd for a different reason), is both leisurely and grand, combining etc etc.....

Jobb · Answer

Originally, the sentence is intened to express how he formed his unique style. Now accroding to your rewriting, it has failed.

How about my rewritten version below(I've absorbed some factors from your rewriting)

His works, with a good taste that he learned from Mother Nature as his master, are both leisurely and grand, having formed his unique style that combined tranquility with mobility.

Mister Micawber · Answer

Jobb, neither of the revisions offered fail to express how his style was formed. One of the most difficult things for students to learn is gauging the readers' knowledge. If the writer over-estimates the reader's prior understanding of the world, then the writing is too arcane; if it is under-estimated, then the writing is overdone-- too much is squeezed in. The latter is the most common error.

In this case, the mere mention of 'artist's style' and 'Mother Nature as master/mistress' is enough to let the reader connect the latter as the formative agent for the former; also 'artists' by definition have 'good taste', so this is again redundant for the reader. And that is why your rewritten version is still awkward. (I also agree with our Guest's perception of gender.) Try this:

'His works, learned from Mother Nature as his mistress, are both leisurely and grand, and have a unique style that combines tranquility with mobility.'

Jobb · Answer

It is plainly clear.

Thanks MM.

And how about the version below:

His works, whose unique style is learnt from Mother Nature, combine grandness and leisure, tranquility with mobility, and are graceful.

Mister Micawber · Answer

Good until you reach the end: the end is not graceful at all. It's the only adjective in a list of nouns. Back at you with this:

'His works, whose unique style was learnt from Mother Nature, combine grandness and leisure, tranquility with mobility and grace.'

Personally, however, I can form no image of 'grandness' combined with 'leisure' unless were taking a cruise on the Titanic.

Please edit the sentence

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