Please could you grade my Ielts writing task 2?

Nowadays shops tend to stay open longer hours every day of week. Is this a positive or negative development?

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These days there is a rising trend of stores extending their opening hours daily. From my perspective, this inclination shows favorable effects for not only the entrepreneurs but also the employees.

To commence with, that a store being active for a prolonged period of time is conducive to higher revenues for that store itself. The logic here is when a retail outlet opens sooner or closes later than it normally does, a greater number of customers may visit it, which makes it high chance that more products are sold in a day. This would eventually generates substantial income for the business. In fact, two years ago when convenience stores in Vietnam decided to sell products until midnight, instead of 9.30 p.m. as previously, profits are recorded to surge, fostering exceedingly more stores being launched in larger scales.

Another merit which should not be overlooked is that the discussed tendency would create more job opportunities for part-timers. Normally, a working day at a retail store consists of several shifts, hence stores opening for longer hours means more shifts are to fill. In this case, night or early schedules are enabled for those who are only available in such circumstances. For instance, working students can sign up for more diverse hours off-class in order to earn extra, followed by the betterment in the standard of living.

To sum up, it is evidently a positive change to lengthen service hours in shops, promoting certain benefits including attracting profit inflow and creating employment opportunities.