please correct this

Question

Hi, Please correct this. I am trying to report on an improvement made on the facility.

Hi, I have a good piece of news to report: Our Center just had a new computer room and bathroom installed. The fund for those new structures came from the general contributions of our Mothers of Our Neighborhood Associations and the local Business Men's Associations. As you know, it took roughly three months to complete them and we, the staff at the Center, are happy to see them completed, knowing how they will help our children facilitate learning processes as they partake on our numerous academically oriented activities taught by certified teachers in their after-school hours. Well-built and built facilities can help maintain children's interest in their studies-- that has been one of my fundamental convictions that I held deeply for long as I was involved in this Center in various capacities. I also believe that a community has to take responsibility in providing good places to go to get supplementary education on our children's core courses once they are out-of-school; and we are proud to be one of those places. A new computer room with up-to-date, highly technical computers will ensure that our children take full advantage of the latest technology to get ahead and also, our new clean bathroom will help ensure they are clean and comfortable. Very happy news to report.

Hoa Thai · Accepted Answer

I have a good piece of news to report: - a piece of good news?

Our Center just had a new computer room and bathroom installed. - Center - why capitalization?

came from the general contributions of our Mothers of Our Neighborhood Associations - general or generous?

and the local Business Men's Associations. – BMA - Why capitalization?

As you know, it took roughly three months to complete them and we, the staff at the Center, are happy to see them completed, – Could you reword your sentence without having to use ‘completed‘ after ‘complete’? I would also suggest that you replace the comma at the end with a full stop.

~~knowing how~~ They will help our children facilitate learning processes as they partake on our numerous academically oriented activities taught by certified teachers in their after-school hours. – The children do not facilitate the learning process, the staff do. You need to reword this sentence (shorten it or break it into two parts).

Well-built and built facilities – what do you mean?

can help maintain children's interest in their studies— need a full stop.

that has been one of my ~~fundamental~~ convictions – ‘has been’? Show that your convictions are time independent.

that I held deeply for long as I was involved in this Center in various capacities. – Check verb tense! Did you forget another ‘as’?

I also believe that our community has to take responsibility in providing good places to go to get supplementary education on our children's core courses once they are out-of-school;

1. has to take responsibility in – is responsible for?
2. The second part is too wordy. hint: for our children's after-school activities.
3. Replace semicolon with a full stop.

and we are proud to be one of those places. - we are the place?

A The new computer room with up-to-date, highly technical computers – what do you mean by ‘highly technical computers’? hard to manage and to learn?

will ensure that our children take full advantage of the latest technology to get ahead and also, - ‘technology’ includes new / modern machines, and equipment. Therefore, it is redundant to mention ‘computers’ – I suggest that you reword the whole sentence. For example: The new computer room with the latest technology will ensure ….”

our new clean bathroom will help ensure they are clean and comfortable. Reword to rid of repetition.

Believer · Answer

Hoa ThaiOur Center just had a new computer room and bathroom installed. - Center - why capitalization?

Thank you. I capitalized the word 'Center' because I thought it is correct to do so due to the fact that the name of the organization is made out to be a proper name, 'ZZZ Neighborhood Children Center'.

came from the general contributions of our Mothers of Our Neighborhood Associations - general or generous? Meant to say 'generous'.

and the local Business Men's Associations. – BMA - Why capitalization?

Thank you, Hoa Thai, I capitalized both names -- the Mothers of Our Neighborhood Associations and Business Men's Associations -- because I was thinking of them as proper names. Come to think of it, putting the adjective 'local' in front of the proper name 'Business Men's Associations' would not be attractive, if not rendering it incorrect, would it?

Well-built and built facilities – what do you mean? Sorry, I meant to write it as 'Well-built and maintained facilities'. Do you think it is correct to use a single hyphen to reference both 'well-built' and 'well-maintained'?

I also believe that our community has to take responsibility in providing good places to go to get supplementary education on our children's core courses once they are out-of-school;

1. has to take responsibility in – is responsible for? I thought writing 'has to take responsibility' sends a message of pertinence and immediacy to the matter in hand, which wouldn't necessarily be conveyed had I written it 'is reponsible for'.

Thank you for taking your time to help me.

Hoa Thai · Answer

Believer
Hoa ThaiOur Center just had a new computer room and bathroom installed. - Center - why capitalization?

Thank you. I capitalized the word 'Center' because I thought it is correct to do so due to the fact that the name of the organization is made out to be a proper name, 'ZZZ Neighborhood Children Center'. But when you talk about 'our center', there is no need.

and the local Business Men's Associations. – BMA - Why capitalization?

Thank you, Hoa Thai, I capitalized both names -- the Mothers of Our Neighborhood Associations and Business Men's Associations -- because I was thinking of them as proper names. Come to think of it, putting the adjective 'local' in front of the proper name 'Business Men's Associations' would not be attractive, if not rendering it incorrect, would it? I don't think we can just make up proper names for other organizations in the middle of our speech. The problem has nothing to do with the term 'local'.

Well-built and built facilities – what do you mean? Sorry, I meant to write it as 'Well-built and maintained facilities'. Do you think it is correct to use a single hyphen to reference both 'well-built' and 'well-maintained'? I don't think so.

I also believe that our community has to take responsibility in providing good places to go to get supplementary education on our children's core courses once they are out-of-school;

1. has to take responsibility in – is responsible for? I thought writing 'has to take responsibility' sends a message of pertinence and immediacy to the matter in hand, which wouldn't necessarily be conveyed had I written it 'is reponsible for'. I don't see it that way. I asked a question to make sure the idea of taking responsibility would go well with the language of 'OUR'. If something is ours, wouldn't that be stronger to say 'We are responsible for" instead of "We have to take responsibility." To me, 'has to' is a bit weak. That's all.

please correct this

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