Please correct the wrong paragraphs and grammars

Question

Here's my essay about christmas day which has become a commercial holiday.

Please read and correct the wrong paragraphs and grammars

If you have a better idea, let me know :-)

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Christmas is coming.

All of the shops in my town are shining with the lights.

All people are wondering what present they will be given on this christmas.

Every day and everywhere I can hear all kind of carols. That makes me happy and feel like it's a christmas .

But every year, it starts to advertise a christmas day earlier than last year.

Therefore people would spend more money for a Christmas doesn't even come yet.

Of course it's good to buy something for people they love. But there are so many people

who are struggling with hunger day by day so that they can't even think about Christmas.

I think everyone has the right to be happy on Christmas day, even if they are too poor to buy a gift for their daughters and sons.

It's so silly to show how much you love them by giving a expensive gift.

It's not essential to decorate your christmas tree.

The truely important thing is spending a christmas day with your family, your friends and your boy friend/girl friend. That's enough. There is no need to be gifts under the christmas tree.

If you're enough to live, how about helping people in poor countries?

Going to a fancy restaurant is not the only way to enjoy your christmas. Travelling overseas doesn't make your christmas special.

you can give them the reason to live one more day by giving up your desire to buy one more gift.

You don't have to go to Africa taking a risk. You don't have to donate every month.

Just one day, Christmas, one of the most expensive holiday of a year,

I want you to be generous.

I promise you will be given a great happiness ever.

It's time to be aware of the true meaning of Christmas

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Thank you for your answer

Avangi · Accepted Answer

Hannah89 Christmas is coming.
All of the shops in my town are shining with ~~the~~ [Christmas] lights.

~~All people are~~ Everyone is wondering what presents they ~~will be given on this christmas~~ might receive.

Every day and everywhere I can hear all kind of carols. That makes me happy and makes it feel like ~~it's a~~ Christmas .

But every year, ~~it starts to advertise a christmas~~ Christmas advertising starts a day earlier than ~~last year.~~ the year before.

~~Therefore~~ Thus, people ~~would~~ are encouraged to spend more money for a ~~Christmas~~ holiday which hasn't ~~doesn't~~ even ~~come~~ arrived yet.

Of course it's good to buy something for people they love. But there are so many people

~~who are~~ struggling with hunger day by day ~~so that they~~ who can't even think about Christmas.

I think everyone has the right to be happy on Christmas Day, even if they are too poor to buy a gift for their daughters and sons.

It's so silly to show how much you love them by giving an expensive gift.

It's not essential to decorate your Christmas tree.

The truely important thing is spending a Christmas Day with your family, your friends and your boy friend/girl friend. That's enough. There is no need ~~to be~~ for gifts under the Christmas tree.

If you're well-off enough to live, how about helping people in poor countries?

Going to a fancy restaurant is not the only way to enjoy your Christmas. Travelling overseas doesn't make your Christmas special.

you can give ~~them the~~ poor people a reason to live one more day by giving up your desire to buy one more gift.

You don't have to go to Africa , taking a risk. You don't have to donate every month.

Donate on just one day, Christmas, one of the most expensive holidays of the year .

I want you to be generous.

I promise you will be given ~~a great~~ the greatest happiness ever.

It's time to be aware of the true meaning of Christmas .

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Woops!, I corrected the wrong paragraphs!

BarbaraPA · Answer

In addition to Avangi's corrections, your essay wanders all over. If you want people to take the money they'd spend on gifts and donate it, say so. If you want people to focus on relationships instead of gifts, say that. If you're going to mention the true meaning of Christmas, then you can't ignore that it's a religious holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus, but you don't say that either.

I cannot tell you, after reading your essay, what your main point is, or your two or three main messages, because it goes back and forth.

For example, this sentence: I think everyone has the right to be happy on Christmas Day, even if they are too poor to buy a gift for their daughters and sons.

What does this mean? We should give them presents? They should think about something other than presents and be happy without them?

Try regrouping your thoughts into paragraphs with only one theme in each paragraph.

(By the way, once you're over the age of 13 or so, I think you spend more time thinking about the presents you are GIVING than the ones you will be GETTING. It's equally commercial, but not quite as selfish.)

Clive · Answer

Hi,

Here's a quick comment on your essay as a whole.

Don't start each sentence in a paragraph on a separate line.

Best wishes, Clive

Hannah89 · Answer

Thank you soooooooo  much!

Anonymous · Answer

Christmas is coming,

all of the shops in my town are shining with the lights.

All of the people are wondering what present they will be given on this Christmas.

Every day and everywhere, I can hear all kinds of carols; that makes me happy and feel like it's a Christmas .

But every year, it starts to advertise a Christmas day earlier than last year.

Therefore, more people would spend more money for a Christmas that doesn't even come yet.

Of course, it's good to buy something for people they love, but there are so many people

who are struggling with hunger ** day by day so that they can't even think about Christmas.

I think everyone has the right to be happy on Christmas day, even if they are too poor to buy a gift for their daughters and sons.

It's so silly to show how much you love them by giving an expensive gift.

It's not essential to decorate your Christmas tree.

The truely important thing is spending a Christmas day with your family, your friends, and your ~~boy friend/girl friend~~ loved ones. That's enough. There is no need to be gifts under the Christmas tree.

If you~~'re~~ have enough to live, how about helping people in poor countries?

Going to a fancy restaurant is not the only way to enjoy your Christmas. Traveling overseas doesn't make your Christmas special.

yYou can give them the reason to live one more day by giving up your desire to buy one more gift.

You don't have to go to Africa taking a risk. You don't have to donate every month.

Just one day, Christmas, one of the most expensive holidays of a the year,

I want you to be generous.

I promise you will be given a great happiness ever.

It's time to be aware of the true meaning of Christmas

**In my opinion, I think you should add "people who are struggling with hunger and poverty" to be more descriptive.

Besides that, it was a good persuasive piece of writing!

P.S.- Sorry if I was too late, I'm new to this.

Roseygirl247 · Answer

Christmas is coming. All of the shops in my town are shining with the lights. All people are wondering what present they will get this Christmas. Everyone can hear all kinds of Christmas carols. That makes me happy and feel like it's Christmas. But every year, it starts to advertise a Christmas day earlier than last year. Therefore people would spend more money for a Christmas doesn't even come yet. Of course, it's good to buy something for people they love. Even though it is Christmas, do you think about the people that cannot afford it? I know everyone has the right to be happy on Christmas day, even if they are too poor to buy a gift for their daughters and sons. It's so silly to show how much you love them by giving an expensive gift. It's not essential to decorate your Christmas tree. The important thing is spending a Christmas day with your family, and people you love like boyfriend or girlfriend. That's enough. There is no need to be gifts under the Christmas tree. If you're enough to live, how about helping people in helpless places? Going to a fancy restaurant is not the only way to enjoy your Christmas. Traveling overseas doesn't make your Christmas special. You can give them the reason to live one more day by giving up your desire to buy one more gift. You don't have to go to Africa taking a risk. You don't have to donate every month. Just one day, Christmas, one of the most expensive holidays of the year, I want you to be generous. I promise you will always have the greatest happiness ever. It's time to be aware of the true meaning of Christmas.

Please correct the wrong paragraphs and grammars

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