Please correct my task 1. Thank you very much

Question

The line graph presents the number of smokers, men and women, for every 1,000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000.

Overall, there was a major difference between the number of male smokers and female smokers at the beginning of the period, the gap was slowly narrowed down in 40 years when more men gave up smoking and more women adopted this habit.

In 1960, the number of male smokers in Someland was 600 persons for every 1,000 individuals, 6 times their counterpart. However, this declined to only 500 in 1975, while the number of female smokers tripled.

After 1975, there was still no sign of increasing male smokers as their number continued to drop by 50 every 5 years, resulting in the final statistic of around 250 per 1,000 male smokers in the year 2000. Their opposite also showed a similar trend as their number began to go down gradually to about 300 persons after 10 years and approximately 200 after another 15 years, 50 people less than the other gender.

(172 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The line graph presents the number of smokers, men and women, for every 1,000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000.

Overall, there was a major difference between the number of male smokers and female smokers at the beginning of the period, (comma splice error) the gap was slowly narrowed down over these 40 years when smoking became less common among men and more prevalent among women. ~~more men gave up smoking~~ (Do not make any deductions, inferences or conclusions. Maybe none of them gave up smoking. Maybe large proportion of them died of lung disease.) ~~and more women adopted this habit.~~

In 1960, the number of male smokers in Someland was 600 persons for every 1,000 individuals, 6 times the number of women. ~~their counterpart~~. (wrong usage) However, this declined to ~~only~~ 500 in 1975, while the number of female smokers tripled.

After 1975, ~~there was still no sign of increasing~~ (Just describe the data.) male smokers' ~~as their~~ numbers continued to drop by 50 every 5 years, resulting in the final value ~~statistic~~ of around 250 per 1,000 male smokers (that is incorrect. the number of male smokers per 1000 male smokers has to be 1000, and that will never change.) in ~~the year~~ 2000. ~~Their opposite~~ The women also showed a similar trend as their number began to go down gradually to about 300 ~~persons~~ after 10 years and approximately 200 after another 15 years, 50 ~~people~~ less than the men. ~~other gender~~.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay

Note that in the "overview" paragraph, the statistic that is being plotted is defined.

Once the indicator is clearly defined, it is understood, and thus, you avoid repetition of the phrase, "per 1000 persons" The word "rate" is in the title of the graph, so you can use it freely in your essay.

Note that in the "detail" paragraph, the line graph is divided into two distinct periods. That is part of the "big picture."

The word "correlation" is an excellent high-level word to use when comparing the shape of two different curves.

This kind of observation and high-end vocabulary will get higher scores than just copying values.

The line graph compares the rates of smoking for men versus women in Someland from 1960 to 2000.

The smoking rate is defined as the number of people who smoke out of 1000 people in the population. In this 40-year period, the rate for men was always higher than for women, and the largest difference was at the beginning. By 2000, it had narrowed significantly as the men's rate dropped and the women's went up.

In detail, the period can be divided into two intervals, the first 15 years, 1960-1975 and the remainder, 1975-2000. In the first interval, the two curves were strongly negatively correlated as the rate for women tripled from 80 to about 310 whereas the men's dropped from 600 to 500. The difference shrank from 520 to 190. In contrast, the two curves were positively correlated in the second interval; both decreased linearly. In addition, the gap between them became smaller and smaller. The women's rate had a very broad peak from 1975 to 1990, averaging about 300. The values ended at about 230 for men and 200 for women.

Please correct my task 1. Thank you very much

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