PLEASE CORRECT MY GRAMMAR

Question

My ultimate goal is to see myself as a research scholar, teaching future engineers and conduct research in an organization. My journey towards this goal has been at best, over the past three years, after my left wrist was cut accidentally. I underwent Phleboplasty to repair my gashed vein and was discharged after two circuitous months. On the brink of external exams in my fourth semester of bachelors, I went to college after two and half months. To my surprise none of my friends spoke and literally disregarded me. It horrified me to learn that a local newspaper reported my accident as suicide and that was the reason my friends snubbed me. I tried to explain the truth; all I received was hatred from friends, family and society. I was completely shattered and despondent. My parents then presented me with a heightened awareness that “truth will come out eventually and everyone shall renown you; all you have to do is, be at your best”. It is in pursuit of this cause that my motivation as a student of engineering lies towards completing a doctorate and challenge my psyche to dream big in hopes of triumph by potentially discovering and creating new knowledge.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Here are some comments:

My ultimate goal is to see myself (You are a dreamer. Your goal is to dream about being a scholar.) as a research scholar, teaching future engineers and conduct research in an organization. My journey towards this goal has been at best (missing word. This sentence does not make sense.) , over the past three years, after my left wrist was cut accidentally. I underwent Phleboplasty (no capital) to repair my gashed vein and was discharged after two circuitous (incorrect word) months. On the brink of external exams in my fourth semester of bachelors, I went to college after two and half months. ( This sentence does not make sense.) To my surprise none of my friends spoke with me and literally disregarded me (redundant). It horrified me to learn that a local newspaper reported my accident as a suicide (If it was a suicide, then you would not be writing this.) and that was the reason my friends snubbed me. I tried to explain the truth; all I received was hatred from friends, family and society. (This is highly melodramatic. If this is for a motivation letter, it is not very effective.) I was completely shattered and despondent. My parents then presented me with a heightened awareness (you just said that your parents treated you with hatred...) that “truth will come out eventually and everyone shall renown (incorrect word) you; all you have to do is, be at your best”. It is in pursuit of this cause that my motivation as a student of engineering lies towards completing a doctorate and challenge my psyche (?) to dream big in hopes of triumph by potentially discovering and creating new knowledge.

The story sounds like a TV soap opera. You can be less dramatic, it will be more effective. You did not say anything about what you did to recover from your accident, only that you now have some dreams.

Adepu Manogna · Answer

Thank you for your feed back.
This is statement of purpose for my higher education(PhD). So it is really important for me to convey the strong reasons to study further. This will be my introduction paragraph, so it should grab their attention.

I have made corrections. Please review it again and suggest your opinion.

My ultimate goal is to be a research scholar, teaching future engineers and conduct research in an organization. My journey towards this goal has been circuitous at best, over the past three years, after my left wrist was cut accidentally. I underwent phleboplasty to repair my gashed vein. It took me two months to recover and get back to college (Hope now it makes sense). To my surprise none of my friends spoke with me. It horrified me to learn that a local newspaper reported my accident as a suicide and that was the reason my friends snubbed me. I tried to explain the truth, but all I received was hatred from friends and society(I know it sounds too dramatic but If I do not state this, how can I convey my intense opinion. Can you suggest another way?). I was completely shattered and despondent. My parents(My parents knew the truth. The hatred was from friends and society. to be more clear I removed family) then presented me with a heightened awareness that, “Truth will come out eventually and you will be renowned(Hope it makes sense now . If not suggest a better word); all you have to do is, be at your best”. Those words motivated me to gather will power and recover from the woe. I prepared myself physically and mentally towards reaching my goal. It is in pursuit of this cause that my motivation as a student of engineering lies towards completing a doctorate and challenge my psyche to dream big in hopes of triumph by potentially discovering and creating new knowledge.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

It's much improved. Here are a few more suggestions.

My ultimate goal is to be a research scholar, teaching future engineers and conduct research in an organization. My journey towards this goal has been circuitous at best since my left wrist was accidentally slashed three years ago. I underwent phleboplasty to repair my gashed vein. It took me two months to recover and get back to college. To my surprise none of my friends spoke with me. It horrified me to learn that a local newspaper had reported my accident as a suicide attempt (You did survive...) and that was the reason my friends snubbed me. I tried to explain to them what happened but nobody would believe me. Even though my wrist had healed, my spirit was broken, and I became depressed. My wise and wonderful parents told me, “The truth will come out eventually and you will be renowned (vindicated). All you have to do is, be at your best”. Those words motivated me to gather my will power and ~~recover from the woe~~. determination. I prepared myself physically and mentally towards reaching my goal. It is in pursuit of this cause that my motivation as a student of engineering lies towards completing a doctorate and challenge my psyche to dream big in hopes of triumph by potentially discovering and creating new knowledge.

Adepu Manogna · Answer

Thank you so much..

PLEASE CORRECT MY GRAMMAR

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