Please correct my essay on IELTS task 2

Can anyone please correct my IELTS task 2 essay.

Here's the question:

Everybody should be allowed equal chance of admission to university programs regardless of their level of academic ability

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

And here's my essay:

Education is the key to unlocking each person’s hidden potential and open new roads to a brighter future. Indeed, with education, especially tertiary education, people can make more informed decisions about their future career and life as well. Thus, some people hold the conception that everybody should be allowed to be admitted to university study programs regardless of their level of academic acumen. I personally agree with the aforementioned statements.

Many educators agree that one of the most valued and widely accepted principles of education is the concept of equity: That everyone must be provided with an equal chance to be educated irrespective of their background. By providing equal chance of admission for those students with a low academic background, we further help to reinforce this concept. The opportunity that we give them implies something even more worthwhile and empowering: That they can excel in whatever they do and what decision they make. In other words, it helps them to believe in themselves, believe in what they value to be the cornerstone of their educational pursuit. That way, each person can shine bright like a diamond and live their life to the fullest.

Another reason why we should provide equal chance of admission to every people is that by doing so, we can find out and exploit some of their hidden talents or some of the character traits that may be curbed by the secondary education system that they had to suffer from. By giving them a chance to learn in the higher institutions across the globe, they can gradually find out more about themselves and what they can do to achieve the success they aim at. For instance, a student who may be considered an underdog in secondary and high school may be more active and more enthusiastic towards the atmosphere of higher institutions because he or she has found his or her passion and career paths there, a place where the diversification of the subjects and fields no place can match. Another factor that may count into this student’s changing attitude is that the tertiary education environment provides a lot of opportunities for his or her talents to shine, which lower education can not cater for.

In conclusion, the statement can be applied to both educators and the educated one when it comes to policy legislation. By applying the statement to our daily educational path, we will ensure a better, more equal society to everyone.

Thanks so much