Please correct my essay, many thanks in advance

Question

Please correct my essay and many thanks in advance and merry christmas and happy new year 2019.

In the modern era , arts subject has become a controversial issue . There are those who believe that teaching arts at school is important however others believe that it is otherwise . I will examine both sides of the argument and provide my overall legitimate opinion .

Generally speaking , there are two primary reasons why people believe that art teaching is vital for students . Perhaps the cogent reason why people in particularly favour of this notion is that the arts are fundamental basis for children development . This is mainly because they can make children a well-rounded person . For a prime example , later in life , when they receive a redudancy letter, they can think laterally and will be calmer . A further wholesome point in greatly favour of art education at school is that some students may become an well-known actor in the near future . Unlike in the dim and distant past , people nowadays often think highly of actor , with several actors making millions of U.S. dollars annually .

Despite these strong arguments, many people think that teaching arts at educational establishments should be reduced to a minimum for several sound reasons . Perhaps the most solid reason why people are in particlarly favour of this notion is that, in modern times , more and more people are focusing on mainly the state-of-the-art technology . As a result , school should allocate more time for science education . A further point in greatly favour of time reduction for arts subjects is that many actors have a relatively short career in arts industry and only few actors earn decent incomes, with a few actors struggling to make ends meet .

In conclusion , it must be said that teaching arts at school has become a complex issue with no easy solutions .Having considered both sides of argument , I am of the bona fide reason that arts teaching should be reduced and science subjects ought to increased significantly .If goverment implemented this recommendation , we would see more technology discoveries .

Thanks for you constructive feedback and once again merry christmas and happy new year 2019!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

What is the topic you are supposed to write about? We can't judge your "task achievement" without the instructions.

In the modern era , arts subject has become a controversial issue . There are those who believe that teaching arts at school is important however others believe that it is otherwise . I will examine both sides of the argument and provide my overall legitimate opinion .

You have punctuation errors. There must not be a space between the last word and the following punctuation. Also, "legitimate opinion" is not a good phrase. Would you give an illegitimate opinion? But that entire sentence should be re-written.

The first sentence does not give enough information about the topic. It is way to broad and general. Also, I seriously doubt that it is really a true statement. I have never heard my friends arguing about it.

"Arts subject" is not a natural English phrase. The second sentence is not good either. For every conceivable statement, there are people in favor and people opposed. This is not specific enough.

Finally, and the worst problem is the lack of a proper thesis statement. This fault alone will lower your score a lot.

In an opinion essay, your thesis statement summarizes the stance that you take in the essay. It is what you will argue and defend.

Here are three examples:

The arts is the life and soul of all societies and cultures, and, in my opinion, this subject must hold a vital and prominent place in the school curriculum.
In today's competitive world, teaching arts is a luxury that, in my opinion, should only play a minor role in the school curriculum.
I believe that schools should strike a balance between teaching the liberal arts and hard sciences, perhaps weighing the sciences slightly more.

You could open your essay this way: (example from your own experience)

In secondary schools today, students spend about half the time in arts classes, such as history, drama, art and literature, and the other half in hard sciences such as maths, computers, biology, and physics. Some parents and members of the community would like to see the students being taught many more classes in the areas of science and technology, and the number of arts classes reduced; others are happy with the status quo. (Then add one of the three thesis statements above.)

I have highlighted the text with errors below. The punctuation is wrong, but it's tedious to mark all those mistakes.

Generally speaking , there are two primary reasons why people believe that art teaching is vital for students . Perhaps the cogent reason why people in particularly favour of this notion is that the arts are fundamental basis for children development . This is mainly because they can make children a well-rounded person . For a prime example , later in life , when they receive a redudancy letter, they can think laterally and will be calmer . A further wholesome point in greatly favour of art education at school is that some students may become an well-known actor in the near future . Unlike in the dim and distant past , people nowadays often think highly of actor , with several actors making millions of U.S. dollars annually .

Despite these strong arguments, many people think that teaching arts at educational establishments should be reduced to a minimum for several sound reasons . Perhaps the most solid reason why people are in particlarly favour of this notion is that, in modern times , more and more people are focusing on mainly the state-of-the-art technology . As a result , school should allocate more time for science education . A further point in greatly favour of time reduction for arts subjects is that many actors have a relatively short career in arts industry and only few actors earn decent incomes, with a few actors struggling to make ends meet . (Is acting the only career for a person educated in the arts?)

In conclusion , it must be said that teaching arts at school has become a complex issue with no easy solutions .Having considered both sides of argument , I am of the bona fide reason that arts teaching should be reduced and science subjects ought to increased significantly .If goverment implemented this recommendation , we would see more technology discoveries .

Another problem is that you make another argument in your conclusion. The last paragraph must summarize the arguments already made and not give any new material. You never mentioned "technology discovery" in the body of your essay. This will lower your score.

Please correct my essay, many thanks in advance

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