please, correct my essay.

Question

An altruist is defined as a person who acts for a greater good than himself to herself. In other words, the survival and happiness of the self are not the primary motivations for the altruist’s behavior.
The lecturer states that if we take a religious martyr as an example, the cynic can say that although this person appears to be sacrificing his or her life for God, the promise of a reward in the afterlife. Whether it’s Muslim suicide bombers or Japanese Kamikaze pilots in World War 2, the cynic can argue that because of reward which they believe awaits them after death, their act of self-sacrifice is actually self-serving.

KrisBlueNZ · Accepted Answer

"An altruist is ~~defined as~~ unnecessary; optional a person who acts for a greater good than himself to or herself.
In other words, the survival and happiness of the self ~~are~~ is not the primary ~~motivations~~ motivation for the altruist’s behavior."
I don't like "for a greater good than" in the first sentence but I can't think of a clean replacement for it.
I would combine those two sentences, something like "An altruist is a person whose actions are motivated by concerns beyond his or her own survival and happiness, such as the well-being of others or society generally."

"The lecturer states that if we take a religious martyr as an example, the cynic can say that although this person appears to be sacrificing his or her life for ***, his real motivation is selfish: ~~the~~ ~~promise of~~ a promised reward in the afterlife. Whether it’s Muslim suicide bombers or Japanese Kamikaze pilots in World War 2, the cynic can argue that because of the reward which they believe awaits them after death, their act of self-sacrifice is actually self-serving."

Again these sentences could be combined into one, since the second says the same as the first, only adding the two examples (suicide bombers and Kamikaze pilots).

The repeated use of "his or her" can be irritating, both for the writer and the reader. I tend to simply use "his" throughout, or perhaps in every case except the first. You can also use "their".

please, correct my essay.

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions