Please correct my email

Question

Could you please check this email and tell me whats your opinion. I`m thankful for your help .

Original email :

Following your telephone conversation with Mr.Alex, the Front Office Manager, kindly submit your full length casual and formal photo at the earliest in order to proceed with your application.
Dear Mr. Alex

My reply :

Dear Mr.Alex
I've attached the required photos. I would be pleased to supply you with any other information you may require. I look forward to being part of your highly efficient team and am confident that I will be able to make a positive contribution to the Hotel's goals.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity.
Yours sincerely,
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DMW · Accepted Answer

Hi Jess,
I am a native speaker and I cannot see a single thing wrong with the English in your reply. It is certainly better than the English in the original email. Go ahead and send this.

Best wishes,
David.

Anonymous · Answer

Jess,

Your reply is excellent. Far better than the original message. I will make a few slight changes.

Jess KatzCould you please check this email and tell me whats your opinion.

"Would you please check this email and tell me your opinion."

Could implies ability, would implies choice. "Whats" is unnecessary and, if used, should be "what's." "what you r opinion is" is an alternative phrasing.

Jess KatzDear Mr.Alex

"Alex" is usually a given name and, if so, should not have the honorific. I tend not to use "dear" in a business setting, but it is correct. "Dear Alex," or "Dear Mr. (whatever his surname is)" would be better. There is a space after the period in "Mr" as it is an abbreviation for "mister." Are you corresponding with the Front Office Manager? The author referred to him in the third person.

Jess KatzI've attached the required photos.

"I have attached the requested photographs."

I would not use the contractions here. The photos might be required if you want to get the job, but requested is a better word choice.

Jess Katz I would be pleased to supply you with any other information you may require.

"I am happy to supply you with any additional information."

An active voice is preferable in a business letter. "Would be" is speculative.

Jess KatzI look forward to being part of your highly efficient team and am confident that I will be able to make a positive contribution to the Hotel's goals.

"I look forward to being part of your highly efficient team, and I am confident that I will make a positive contribution to the Hotel's goals."

"and am confident" needs to be "and I am confident." I dropped "be able" because it sounds better to a native speaker without those words. They are implied anyway.

There should be blank lines between the paragraphs, but I suspect that the web form stripped those out.

Again, yours is a really excellent letter. It is far better than what you received, and I dare say they don't deserve you :-)

Good luck,

Dan

Jess Katz · Answer

It's very kind of you .you`re such a great grammar analyst .Thank you very much Dan . Have a great day

Jess Katz · Answer

Thanks David . Your response give me a great push .

DMW · Answer

Hi Jess,
Thank you, it's good of you to say so. For what it's worth, I disagree with much of Anonymous Dan's analysis. But this could be due to regional differences - all I can really comment on is what I would say.

I would write "Could you please" not "Would you please". You are asking someone to give up their time, if they CAN. So "could" is appropriate.
The email that you are responding to clearly gives the person's name as Mr Alex. To refer to him as anything else could be a horrible faux pas. Even if you believe that Alex is more likely to be his given name than his surname.
I like "required" better than "requested" in the context you used it. But if you must say "requested", I would write "I have attached the photographs you requested".
I also prefer "I would be pleased to" over "I am happy to". Technically, both are "active voice", so I'm not sure what Dan was getting at.
I'm not sure whether I would omit "I" before "am confident". It's absolutely optional.

All in all, your letter was excellent the way it was. Good luck with the job application. They would be fools not to hire you.

Best wishes,
David.

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