Please correct me with the essay

Question

Topic: The problem of particular groups of people are constantly in the media nowadays. Ex: women in the work force, racial or religious minorities, the poor, the elderly, and drug addicts etc. to name by the field. Imagine that you're an influential member of the government. If you could choose to imporve the lives of one particular group in your country, who would you choose? Describe some of the problems that confront these people and discuss what measure you will take to try and improve their situationsMy work: (Am I right to write "my work" here?)Were I an influential member of the government, I would help the parentless children to make their lives better. In this essay, I will aslo describe some of the problems that confront these people and discuss what measure I will take to improve their situation.Parentless children, or orphans, normally lead miserable lives due to the lack of education and materials. Obviously there are some orphanges but not every child has the chance to live in. It is time the government did something about the problem. One of the measures I suggest is to build more and more orphanages, the more the better. Secondly, the government will have to gather groups of those orphans and send them right away to orphanages. Every child will have chance to go to vocational school to learn. However, before we did all the things, we should found charity funds and add a small amount of taxes called "charity taxes" to every adult. They have to pay it without exception. A charity fund might well be operated every other month and the taxes come once a year. Some may not want to pay, so we have to make them pay at all costs. The tax can be fluctuating from two hundreds to five hundreds Viet Nam dong and I think that is an acceptable amount for almost every adult.To sum up, I-the governor will put all of the measures above in operation, perhaps after a vote. Everyone bears in their minds that even orphans have the child rights so we cannot ignore them all. We should help them at all costs and train them to be the workforce of our country.

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

I have underlined some problem areas, vocabulary or grammar, and added some notes after some. All in all, your presentation is not very humane:

My work: (Am I right to write "my work" here?-- No)

Were I an influential member of the government, I would help the parentless children to make their lives better. In this essay, I will aslo describe some of the problems that confront these people and discuss what measure I will take to improve their situation. (You have no thesis statement.)

Parentless children, or orphans, (No need for the apposition of 2 common words) normally lead miserable lives due to the lack of education and materials. Obviously there are some orphanges but not every child has the chance to live in. It is time the government did something about the problem.(Irrelevant to the question) One of the measures I suggest is to build more and more orphanages, the more the better. Secondly, the government will have to gather groups of those orphans and send them right away to orphanages. Every child will have chance to go to vocational school to learn. However, before we did all the things, we should found charity funds and add a small amount of taxes called "charity taxes" to every adult. They have to pay it without exception. A charity fund might well be operated every other month and the taxes come once a year. Some may not want to pay, so we have to make them pay at all costs. The tax can be fluctuating from two hundreds to five hundreds Viet Nam dong and I think that is an acceptable amount for almost every adult.

To sum up, I-the governor will put all of the measures above in operation, perhaps after a vote (Irrelevant to the question). Everyone bears in their minds that even orphans have the child rights so we cannot ignore them all. We should help them at all costs and train them to be the workforce of our country.

Belly · Answer

Mister MicawberI have underlined some problem areas, vocabulary or grammar, and added some notes after some. All in all, your presentation is not very humane:

My work: (Am I right to write "my work" here?-- No)

Were I an influential member of the government, I would help the parentless children to make their lives better. In this essay, I will aslo describe some of the problems that confront these people and discuss what measure I will take to improve their situation. (You have no thesis statement.)

Parentless children, or orphans, (No need for the apposition of 2 common words) normally lead miserable lives due to the lack of education and materials. Obviously there are some orphanges but not every child has the chance to live in. It is time the government did something about the problem.(Irrelevant to the question) One of the measures I suggest is to build more and more orphanages, the more the better. Secondly, the government will have to gather groups of those orphans and send them right away to orphanages. Every child will have chance to go to vocational school to learn. However, before we did all the things, we should found charity funds and add a small amount of taxes called "charity taxes" to every adult. They have to pay it without exception. A charity fund might well be operated every other month and the taxes come once a year. Some may not want to pay, so we have to make them pay at all costs. The tax can be fluctuating from two hundreds to five hundreds Viet Nam dong and I think that is an acceptable amount for almost every adult.

To sum up, I-the governor will put all of the measures above in operation, perhaps after a vote (Irrelevant to the question). Everyone bears in their minds that even orphans have the child rights so we cannot ignore them all. We should help them at all costs and train them to be the workforce of our country.

1) What should I replace my work with?

2)
Were I an influential member of the government, I would help the parentless children make their lives better(typo, sorry). In this essay, I will aslo describe some of the problems that confront these people (why did you underline here?). ) and discuss what measure I will(why did you underline here?). take to improve their situation. (You have no thesis statement.)
Apart from that mistakes (the typo, the quantity of sentence), I don't understand what wrong of those mistakes

3)
Parentless children, or orphans, (No need for the apposition of 2 common words) normally(why did you underline here?). lead miserable lives due to(why did you underline here?). the lack of education and materials (why did you underline here?). Obviously there are some orphanges but not every child has the chance to live in. It is time the government did something about the problem.(Irrelevant to the question) One of the measures I suggest is to build more and more orphanages, the more the better. Secondly, the government will have to gather groups of those orphans and send them right away to orphanages. Every child will have chance to go to vocational school to learn. However, before we did all the (why did you underline here?). things, we should found charity funds and add a small amount of taxes called "charity taxes" to every adult. They have to pay it without exception. A charity fund might well be operated(why did you underline here? Can I replace it with "opened?"). every other month and the taxes come once a year. Some may not want to pay, so we have to make them pay at all costs(why did you underline here?). . The tax can be fluctuating(why did you underline here?). from two hundreds (I've got it here, thanks) to five hundreds(I've got it here, thanks) Viet Nam dong and I think that is an acceptable amount for almost every adult.
It's time the government... emphasize the essay, why would you say it was extraneous?

4)
To sum up, I-the governor(why did you underline here?). will put all of the measures above in operation, perhaps after a vote (I think I've got it here). Everyone bears in their minds(why did you underline here?). that even orphans have the(why did you underline here?). child rights so we cannot ignore them all. We should help them at all costs and train them to be the workforce of our country.
*(why did you underline here?). : I cannot find what was wrong so I need you help

Mister Micawber · Answer

1) What should I replace my work with?-- No title is required for TOEFL essays; if you need a title, it should announce to the reader the topic of your essay.

2)
the parentless children-- these are not previously mentioned or specific children
make their lives better -- what English word means 'make...better'?
people (why did you underline here?). -- What word is more specific?
measure I will(why did you underline here?). -- Only one measure? And verb form is not consistent.

3)
normally(why did you underline here?).-- Orphanhood is normal??
lead miserable lives due to(why did you underline here?).-- Strictly, 'due to' is an adjective; use a synonym.
the lack of education and materials (why did you underline here?). -- wrong word
However, before we did all the (why did you underline here?).-- wrong verb form
A charity fund might well be operated(why did you underline here? Can I replace it with "opened?") -- Yes, wrong word; use 'opened' or a synonym.
make them pay at all costs(why did you underline here?).-- Idiom is wrong here, and redundant: taxes are mandatory by nature
The tax can be fluctuating(why did you underline here?).-- wrong verb form
It's time the government... emphasize the essay, why would you say it was extraneous?-- That is not emphasis; it is beside the point; the essay is about what you would do, not what the government should do

4)To sum up, I-the governor(why did you underline here?).-- Wrong punctuation, new title, unnecessary appositive
Everyone bears in their minds(why did you underline here?) - the idiom is incorrectly formed
that even orphans have the(why did you underline here?).--no previous mention, no specificity

NOTE: If you want to continue this revision, please post a clean, revised copy for my review, Belly.

Belly · Answer

I think because I'm an influential member of the government, I'll have to suggest what we should do to the upper part (the paliarment etc.)

If you could choose to improve the lives of one particular group in your country, who would you choose?

I think I would suggest on orphans

And by the way, for one of your suggestion, orphans normally lead miserable lives... (I think it's normal for orphans)

Hoa Thai · Answer

BellyI think because I'm an influential member of the government, I'll have to suggest what we should do to the upper part (the paliarment etc.)
If you could choose to improve the lives of one particular group in your country, who would you choose?
I think I would suggest on orphans

And by the way, for one of your suggestion, orphans normally lead miserable lives... (I think it's normal for orphans)

Hi Belly,

Did you paraphrase the topic? I found it has both grammar and word usage problems.

In any event, if you follow the order of the instructions, you should find the important item for you to address is to tell why you select a group of people. Put that in your opening (thesis) statement, which is what the forum teacher asked you to do. For example: In my country, orphans are often ignored by the society and left to deal with misserable lives by themselves, wandering in the streets without help from either pivate sectors or the government.

Once you do that, you need to describe the problems that your selected group of people often enounters. Finally, you offer measures to help improve their lives.

When you start your essay by talking about you or what you would do immediately and then mix that with the orphans' pain, your readers would be confused.

Regarding the choices of words, do not expose illogical / conflicting meanings. For example, the term 'normally' rarely agree with the suffering of people. Nobody wants to suffer - that is normal. I gather what you mean is 'usually / often'.

Take care,
Hoa Thai

Belly · Answer

Hoa Thai
BellyI think because I'm an influential member of the government, I'll have to suggest what we should do to the upper part (the paliarment etc.)
If you could choose to improve the lives of one particular group in your country, who would you choose?
I think I would suggest on orphans

And by the way, for one of your suggestion, orphans normally lead miserable lives... (I think it's normal for orphans)

Hi Belly,

Did you paraphrase the topic? I found it has both grammar and word usage problems.

In any event, if you follow the order of the instructions, you should find the important item for you to address is to tell why you select a group of people. Put that in your opening (thesis) statement, which is what the forum teacher asked you to do. For example: In my country, orphans are often ignored by the society and left to deal with misserable lives by themselves, wandering in the streets without help from either pivate sectors or the government.

Once you do that, you need to describe the problems that your selected group of people often enounters. Finally, you offer measures to help improve their lives.

When you start your essay by talking about you or what you would do immediately and then mix that with the orphans' pain, your readers would be confused.

Regarding the choices of words, do not expose illogical / conflicting meanings. For example, the term 'normally' rarely agree with the suffering of people. Nobody wants to suffer - that is normal. I gather what you mean is 'usually / often'.

Take care,
Hoa Thai

Hi Hoa Thai,

I must say that there have been some typos because I typed but didn't revise, thanks

Please correct me with the essay

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