Please, check my writing task 2 ielts

Question

TOPIC:

Cambridge 15: writing IELTS task 2

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Here is my essay:

As far as we know, advertisement nowadays has been a crucial part of the world of marketing. We can see its widespread through social network platforms with a significant increase. I would argue that advertising has succeeded to persuade us to buy items. However, advertising is so prevalent that people pay less attention to it.

One of strong evidence to say that advertisements successfully attract buyers with plenty of persuasions because it seemingly hypnotizes people to spend money on shopping. By designing lots of tactics like giving sales on special occasions or hiring many famous artists as their representatives that impact on customers more easily and make productive selling. Moreover, some companies make strategies to advertise new products by brainwashing people that if they use their products, they will see many instant effects. For instance, giving a sale with a discount of 50% due to Valentine's day and making sure safety and quality can make lots of beauty products sold out in just one day.

Nevertheless, there is another point of view that people buy less attention to advertisements. Because they don’t have the demand for buying. A conducted survey shows that most people really get annoyed when they have to wait for so much advertising videos if they want to watch their films. Furthermore, lots of advertising are so repetitive and not creative.

In conclusion, people still tend to buy items by sometimes noticing advertising. In my view, with the outbreak of social media such as Facebook, Youtube,...advertising will attach to them more closely

( hope to quickly updated)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You need to practice writing sentences. Write simple sentences. Yours are mostly ungainly, awkward and unnatural and you lose control of the sentence structure. So they become fragments, not complete sentences. Or the dependent clauses do not mesh well with the matrix clause.

The score you get depends completely on how you can clearly and effectively communicate your ide

The score you get depends completely on how you can clearly and effectively communicate your ideas to the examiner. If you try to write convoluted sentences with high-level but wrongly-used vocabulary words, you will get a very low score.

I copied a sample essay from another recent thread on the same topic below. Use it to study a high-scoring response to this topic. It has a mixture of simple, and compound-complex sentences.

As far as we know, That means you do not know much about this topic. You are making a guess. This is totally inappropriate here.) advertisement ~~nowadays~~ (This adverb is not used with the perfect tense.) has been a crucial part of the world of marketing. We can see its widespread (Widespread is an adjective. It requires a noun.) through social network platforms ~~with a significant increase~~. I would argue that advertising has succeeded ~~to persuade~~ in persuading us to buy items. However, advertising is so prevalent that people pay less attention to it.

One of strong evidence (Evidence is non-count. You cannot write "one evidence") to say that advertisements successfully attract buyers with plenty of persuasions because it seemingly hypnotizes people to spend money on shopping. (Ungrammatical sentence. The main verb is missing.) By designing lots of tactics like giving sales on special occasions or hiring many famous artists as their representatives that impact on customers more easily and make productive selling. (Ungrammatical sentence. This is a long and complicated prepositional phrase. You lost control of the structure.) Moreover, some companies make unethical or disreputable strategies to advertise new products. (full stop! Here is a simple sentence. Vary the sentence types in your essay.) Their ads are designed to brainwash ~~brainwashing~~ people, convincing them that if they use their products, they will be very happy or successful, or someone will fall in love with them. ~~see many instant effects~~. For instance, ~~giving~~ promoting sales ~~a sale~~ with a discount of 50% in time for ~~due to~~ Valentine's Day and making sure safety and quality (Ungrammatical ). can make lots of beauty products sold out in just one day.

Nevertheless, there is another point of view that people buy (wrong word) less attention to advertisements. Because they don’t have the demand for buying. (Ungrammatical sentence. The main clause is missing.) A ~~conducted~~ survey shows that most people really get annoyed when they have to wait for so much advertising videos if they want to watch their films. (This is very poor English. I understand what you are trying to say, but it is not written well.)Furthermore, lots of advertising are so too repetitive and not creative.

In conclusion, people still ~~tend to~~ buy items after they see an advertisement for them. ~~by sometimes noticing~~ advertising. In my view, with the outbreak (wrong word) of social media such as Facebook, Youtube,...advertising will attach (wrong word - I have no idea what you mean.) to them more closely (Do not use ellipses in formal essays. Do not use "etc." either. Be sure to use punctuation marks.)

Here is a sample essay on this topic that I wrote for another student. I added an analysis of the essay.

TOPIC:

Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

MY ESSAY: 320 words.

Companies must still believe that advertisement is essential and beneficial for sales; that is why we are surrounded by it wherever we go. Personally, I see so many ads every day that I either ignore them or forget about them immediately and I am convinced that most people do the same.

There is intense competition for customers, and advertising is one of the few ways that companies appeal to buyers and gain brand recognition. They spend an inordinate amount of money on marketing. For instance, the major sports events on TV, such as the World Cup or Olympic Games can get hundreds of thousands of dollars for a 30-second ad. If Coke has a very visible ad, Pepsi and other beverage companies must do likewise; otherwise they will lose market share. The number of opportunities to catch our attention are nearly unlimited and companies exploit all of them. Ads are placed everywhere imaginable, from billboards, to posters, to social media, and other websites as well as on television and in the movie theaters.

Because of this, viewers get saturated with so many ads that they get tired and annoyed by having their enjoyable experiences or daily lives interrupted. People take proactive measures to avoid encountering ads. For example, many of my friends get ad-blockers added to their browsers so they will not be annoyed by flashing, distracting nonsense consuming screen space. If an ad comes on in the middle of a movie, my friends and I just take a break to go to the kitchen to make a snack. In this way, advertising becomes counterproductive because the brand or product, instead of being associated with delicious and beautiful experiences, just evokes anger and disgust.

In conclusion, companies are driven by competition and they place seductive and eye-catching advertisements everywhere possible. But that results in most consumers like myself ignoring them or taking actions to avoid them.

ANALYSIS. This is the traditional 4-paragraph argumentative essay.

Paragraph 1: Introduction

2 sentences. 51 words. It addresses both sides of the argument and states my opinion.

Sentence 1: Two very closely related simple sentences connected with a semicolon.
Sentence 2: A compound-complex sentence. Thesis statement for the essay.

Paragraph 2: First body paragraph. I addresses the successfulness of ads. That is the first view in the topic..

123 words in 6 sentences. It presents two arguments in favor of this view.

Sentence 1: Thesis statement for the paragraph. Compound-complex sentence.
Sentence 2: Simple sentence. A forceful claim.
Sentence 3 and 4: A specific example that supports the claim. Simple sentence followed by a compound-complex sentence.
Sentence 5: Second argument. Compound sentence.
Sentence 6: Support for the second argument.

Paragraph 3: Second body paragraph. I addresses statement that people ignore ads. That is the second view in the topic. And it is my opinion.

112 words. The length is balanced with the first body paragraph. Also note how the sentence structures match well with the previous paragraph. This provides a very smooth and logical flow of ideas.

Sentence 1: Thesis statement for the paragraph. Complex sentence.
Sentence 2: Simple sentence. A forceful claim.
Sentence 3 and 4: A specific example that supports the claim. Compound sentence followed by a compound-complex sentence.
Sentence 5: This sentence supports my opinion. Complex sentence.

Paragraph 4: Conclusion. 33 words.
Two sentences. The first summarizes body paragraph 1, and the second, body paragraph 2, including a restatement of my opinion. The first is compound, and the second is simple.

Anna Walker · Answer

I did also read your advice and I recognize the biggest problem here that the lack of technical writing, for each type so I always make a lot of mistakes but I will practice and improve, again and again, I won't give up writing IELTS.

Anna Walker · Answer

This is my rewriting with all corrected mistakes. I repaired my sentences shorter and combined with all collocations you give me to fix my essay. Hopefully this time, it will be better and fewer mistakes with clear ideas.

( I also rewrite my task 1 carefully: pie chart and table. I hope you will check it again ( with a little patience for a beginner like me. The habitat I living in is full of mother tongue and no one studies ielts (cry)).

Advertisement nowadays has played a crucial role in the world of marketing. We can see that it has been increasing significantly on the scale of the world through social network platforms. I would argue that advertising has succeeded in persuading us to buy items. However, advertising is so prevalent that people pay less attention to it.

Some strong evidence to say that advertisements could act as a strong persuasion device to seemingly hypnotize people into shopping. Many companies design lots of tactics like giving sales on special occasions or hiring many famous artists to cooperate with them as their representatives. The majority of their aims is to impact on customers more easily and make productive selling. Moreover, some companies make unethical or disreputable strategies to advertise new products. Their ads are designed to brainwash people, convincing them that if they use their products, they will be happy or successful, or some will fall in love with them. For instance, promoting sales with a discount of 50% in time for Valentine's Day and advertise lots of beauty products that will help your skin better in just a short time. The prevalence of such an approach always pushes items to be sold out in just one day and it works quite effectively to attract many customers.

Nevertheless, there is another point of view that people pay less attention to advertisements. The advert should understand the demand of customers what items they adore or hate. In contrast, some companies only care about how to put their advertising on the front pages of websites. A conducted survey shows that most people really get annoyed that so much advertising comes on in the middle of their favorite movies. Furthermore, lots of advertising are so repetitive and not creative. In this way, advertising becomes counterproductive because of the brand or product, instead of being associated with delicious and beautiful, just evoke anger and disgust.

In conclusion, people still buy items after they see an advertisement for them. In my view, with the breakout of social media like Facebook or Instagram, advertising will take advantage of them to interact with customers more closely. (350 words)

Please, check my writing task 2 ielts

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