Please check my writing task 1, thanks so much

Question

The graph describes the hiring of teachers in Ontario from 2001 to 2007.

In 2001, the percentage of English - language teachers was 73 percent, compared to 70 percent French-language teachers who were recruited. In the following year, there was a similar downward in the percentage of two language teachers. Since 2002, the trends have been followed by a significant difference in both of teachers over 5 years period.

Percentage of teachers teaching English continued to fall dramatically in 2003 and then fluctuated, before it reached a bottom at 28 percent. In contrast, percentage of French teachers recovered by 15 percent in 2003 and rise slightly until hit a peak at 75 percent in 2007.

Overall, it can be seen that more and more French teachers were recruited than English teachers, Ontario school hired more people teaching English at first though.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The graph describes the hiring of teachers in Ontario from 2001 to 2007.

(Incorrect description of the figure.)

The line graph shows the employment rates of first-year teachers of two languages, French and English, by their year of graduation, from 2001 to 2007. These teachers were employed in the province of Ontario.

In 2001, the percentage of employed English - language teachers was 73 percent, compared to 70 percent for the French-language teachers ~~who were recruited~~. In the following year, there was a similar downward in the percentage of two language teachers. (unnatural) Since 2002, the trends ~~have been followed by~~ a significant difference in both of teachers over 5 years period.

Model Paragraph:

In 2001, the employment rate of first-year English language teachers was 73%, comparable to the French-language teachers. Both dropped the following year, to 58 and 52 percent, respectively. After that, the employment rates diverged; that of the English language teachers declining to end at 28%, and that of the French-language teachers rising to its highest level, at 75% in 2007.

Percentage of teachers teaching English continued to fall dramatically in 2003 and then fluctuated, (wrong word) before it reached ~~a bottom~~ its lowest value at 28 percent. In contrast, percentage of French teachers recovered by 15 percent in 2003 and rise slightly until hit a peak (There is no peak on this graph.) at 75 percent in 2007.

Overall, it can be seen that more and more French teachers were recruited (That is not a valid statement, because the graph just gives percentages, not absolute numbers. These could have changed substantially over the period. ) than English teachers, Ontario school hired more people teaching English (That is not a valid statement. ) at first though.

Please check my writing task 1, thanks so much

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