Please check my writing

Hi teachers. I have written this. It's part of a script, which is why it is in the tense it is and why it might seem a little stiff. Please let me know if you think it's grammatical and well-written? Thank you.

She spots Joel in the crowd, chatting with a few friends. He sees her too, surprised. None of them know how to react, so they just look at each other, without expression anything, before Joel turns back to the conversation with his friends. Mary keeps watching him, when suddenly she hears "Hey, Mary! Over here!" She turns to see Gina.