Please check my writing

Question

Please check my writing below. Is there anything that I could improve? Word choices? Punctuation? Anything?

(Info: Marcus is up in a tree. Ben is on the ground.)

...when suddenly the tree starts to tip over. Marcus jumps for another tree as Ben, too, jumps for his life as the tree falls to the ground and misses him by inches. Ben recovers from the scare, and looks up to see Marcus hanging from a branch, trying to pull himself up.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

anonymouswhen suddenly the tree starts to tip over.

"Suddenly" is often overused. Anyway, adverbs are weak. Make it be sudden some other way.

Trees do not normally "tip over". They have roots. I don't know why this tree is falling, so I can't suggest a word, but trees normally simply fall.

anonymousMarcus jumps for another tree

He probably jumps "to" another tree, but "for" is OK if he has jumped from tree to tree before in the scene. It means he intends to land in the tree, but his success is not certain. I hope this is happening on a planet with weak gravity, or Marcus is a lemur.

anonymousas Ben, too, jumps for his life

"As" is unclear. "And" is probably better. Ben's jump is different from Marcus's, so using the same wording (jumps for) to mean two different things in the same sentence is not ideal. At best the reader is confused. Maybe you could have Ben jump aside. Be specific. Get some sound into it. " Marcus jumps for another tree, and Ben jumps aside as the tree crashes to the ground and misses him by inches." That's more of a quick one-two.

anonymousBen recovers from the scare,

This creates no image. Describe Ben's state. Maybe "Ben shoves his hair back off his forehead with a "Whew!" and looks up to see Marcus hanging from a branch, trying to pull himself up.

Please check my writing

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