Please check my logline
Hi. I've tried to put together a logline for a script I've written.
(A logline is a brief, usually one-sentence, summary of a television program, film, or book that states the central conflict of the story.)
Logline:
When his girlfriend dies after spending eight long months in a coma following an accident, a divorced father of two must try to pull himself out of the dark hole he’s let himself sink into with the help of a woman he encounters in a bar.
Is this correct and naturally phrased? Is the last clause clear enough or too long? Would you change it (or anything else)? Thanks a lot.
Top answer
It needs a slight touch-up because it sounds like the woman in the bar helped him sink into the dark hole. Try mentioning sinking into the hole before you mention pulling out of it. That reversal of phrases might help.
- It needs a slight touch-up because it sounds like the woman in the bar helped him sink into the dark hole.
- Try mentioning sinking into the hole before you mention pulling out of it.
- That reversal of phrases might help.
- I'll let you work out the details of how you want to do that.
- Other than that, fine.
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It needs a slight touch-up because it sounds like the woman in the bar helped him sink into the dark hole. 
Try mentioning
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