Please check my letter of purpose

Question

Dear ...............,I am writing this letter to apply in the Fellowship Program at one of the "............." Research partners to earn a Master degree. I had graduated in January 2010 from "..............."University with Bachelor of Science degree in Physics as a major specialization and in Mathematics as a minor specialization with a GPA of " ........". This Fellowship program will help me a lot to continue my study and to keep up to date with my field. It will help me to join in related researches are being done in my country. Furthermore, my future plan is to work in the new manufactures or companies that use the new physics technology in their industries and in their researches which related to my field of specialization. Therefore, this fellowship program will open to me the opportunities to continuo my studies and to work in the companies suitable to my studies such as your company. Since I had visited your company last year, I decided to apply in your programs because I am interested in working and researching in the renewable energies projects such as the solar energy. My academic life in the university was full of knowledge and hard challenges which had refined my personality and my skills to be more confident in challenging the difficulties of learning new subjects of two fields every semester, Physics and Mathematics.I always have the desire to learn and study the new subjects and new technologies in science. Therefore, I am always ready to take any chances that will help me to increase my knowledge. In the college life, I was able to combine between studying and participating in the activities such as I was a member in the physics club for two years and I had participated in the physics day two times. The first time was in 2007 in the competition of special physics projects and my project was about "Particles and Antiparticles" and I was the first winner. The second time was in 2008 as a program presenter for the event. Furthermore, I had attended CERN-UAEU Workshop in 2007, which had opened my mind to new researches in the physics.In the final year of my college life, we had to do two important things before graduating that will shows how far we reached in our studies and our skills in creating, innovative, managing, ability of teamwork and other skills. The first thing was the graduating project. I and my group decided to choose "Genetic Algorithms for modeling and optimization" to be our subject. By working for two months, we have succeeded in understanding the subject, writing our report, apply it as a computer program and presented to our instructors. The second thing was choosing a company to work with in two months and I had chosen The Forensic Evidence Department. I had trained in three sections of the department: Questioned documents section, fire investigation section and tool mark and fire arm examination section. I have learned a lot of significant skills in this department such as comparison, imagination, observation, examination and measuring. Furthermore, I have practiced in using many devices such as UV spectrum device and VSC device (Video Spectral Comparator). In addition, we have checked some old cases to learn how the reports are written. Training in this department has taught me to be always creative in my work, to be a good communication person and to respect the time.My goal is to be a very important member of my community by continuo my studies and working hard to create a developed society. I believe that I have the confidence in myself to strive for the furthest goal. I always see myself in the leader position in different fields such as when I was working with groups in the college or in my social life because I have the skills of managing and organizing, interested to learn from the other members of the group and I have the courage to experience everything new and strange. In the end I would like to say learning is a continuous process. It is not dependent on our age, but it is how we perceive ourselves to learn and increase our knowledge; consequently to become a successful and respected member of our community.I look forward to have this experience and to show my ability to successful in the Master degree. Yours faithfully,...................

Dave Phillips · Accepted Answer

I'm sorry, I started correcting this for you are realised that this Fellowship Program is with a company rather than an university. I believe that you might want to rewrite this letter putting more 'you factor' in beginning. (If i was HR/boss I might stop reading as It seems to be about you rather than what you bring to my company - I'm sure that's later down but I would have stopped reading by then). I got half way through the second paragraph before I knew this. As this is my belief, I stopped checking it as if you follow my advice it will be rewritten and posted again. Also is it an American or British Company? (let us know when we proof read as spellings change).

Dear ..,

I am writing this letter to apply in the Fellowship Program at one of the "............." Research partners to earn a Master degree. I ~~had~~ graduated in January 2010 from "..............."University with Bachelor of Science degree in Physics as a major specialization and in Mathematics as a minor specialization with a GPA of " ........".

This Fellowship program will help me ~~a lot to~~ continue my ~~study~~studies and to keep up to date with new developments in my field. It will help me to join in related researches are being done in my country. Furthermore, my future plan is to work in ~~the~~with new manufacturers or companies that use ~~the~~ new physics technology in their industries. ~~and in their researches which related to my field of specialization.~~ Therefore, this fellowship program will open to me the opportunities to continuo my studies and to work in the companies suitable to my studies such as your company. Since I had visited your company last year, I decided to apply in your programs because I am interested in working and researching in the renewable energies projects such as the solar energy.

My academic life in the university was full of knowledge and hard challenges which had refined my personality and my skills to be more confident in challenging the difficulties of learning new subjects of two fields every semester, Physics and Mathematics.

I always have the desire to learn and study the new subjects and new technologies in science. Therefore, I am always ready to take any chances that will help me to increase my knowledge. In the college life, I was able to combine between studying and participating in the activities such as I was a member in the physics club for two years and I had participated in the physics day two times. The first time was in 2007 in the competition of special physics projects and my project was about "Particles and Antiparticles" and I was the first winner. The second time was in 2008 as a program presenter for the event. Furthermore, I had attended CERN-UAEU Workshop in 2007, which had opened my mind to new researches in the physics.

In the final year of my college life, we had to do two important things before graduating that will shows how far we reached in our studies and our skills in creating, innovative, managing, ability of teamwork and other skills. The first thing was the graduating project. I and my group decided to choose "Genetic Algorithms
for modeling and optimization" to be our subject. By working for two months, we have succeeded in understanding the subject, writing our report, apply it as a computer program and presented to our instructors. The second thing was choosing a company to work with in two months and I had chosen The Forensic Evidence Department. I had trained in three sections of the department: Questioned documents section, fire investigation section and tool mark and fire arm examination section. I have learned a lot of significant skills in this department such as comparison, imagination, observation, examination and measuring. Furthermore, I have practiced in using many devices such as UV spectrum device and VSC device (Video Spectral Comparator). In addition, we have checked some old cases to learn how the reports are written. Training in this department has taught me to be always creative in my work, to be a good communication person and to respect the time.

My goal is to be a very important member of my community by continuo my studies and working hard to create a developed society. I believe that I have the confidence in myself to strive for the furthest goal. I always see myself in the leader position in different fields such as when I was working with groups in the college or in my social life because I have the skills of managing and organizing, interested to learn from the other members of the group and I have the courage to experience everything new and strange.

In the end I would like to say learning is a continuous process. It is not dependent on our age, but it is how we perceive ourselves to learn and increase our knowledge; consequently to become a successful and respected member of our community.

I look forward to have this experience and to show my ability to successful in the Master degree.

Anonymous · Answer

Thanks for help,

but I didn't understand you will!!

Did you mean I have to write about "What I will present to their company"

Anonymous · Answer

I tried this time to apply your suggesthion.. please check it again

Dear ............,

I am writing this letter to apply in the Fellowship Program at one of the Masdar Research partners to earn a Master degree. I graduated in January 2010 from ".........."University with Bachelor of Science degree in Physics as a major specialization and in Mathematics as a minor specialization with a GPA of ".......".

Since I had visited your company last year, I decided to apply in your programs because I am interested in working and researching in the renewable energies projects such as the solar energy. Therefore, this fellowship program will open to me the opportunities to continuo my studies and to work in your company which related to my field of specialization. My goal is to be a very important member of my community by continuo my studies and working hard in the new researches are being done in my country to create a developed society. I believe that I have the confidence in myself to strive for the furthest goal.

I look forward to have this experience and to show my ability to successful in the Master degree in one of the important fields in science and to show my ability to participate in your company in developing the world energy. I believe that the world will depend on the renewable energy as the main source of energy because it classifies as safe and clean energy in the environment. Furthermore, the future of our country depends on finding the best technologies that work on safe energy and the will build up a community has the highest standards of safety and prosperity together.

My academic life in the university was full of knowledge and hard challenges which had refined my personality and my skills to be more confident in challenging the difficulties of learning new subjects of two fields every semester, Physics and Mathematics.

I always have the desire to learn and study the new subjects and new technologies in science. Therefore, I am always ready to take any opportunities that will help me to increase my knowledge. In the college life, I was able to combine between studying and participating in the activities such as I was a member in the physics club for two years and I had participated in the physics day two times. The first time was in 2007 in the competition of special physics projects and my project was about "Particles and Antiparticles" and I was the first winner. The second time was in 2008 as a program presenter for the event. Furthermore, I had attended CERN-UAEU Workshop in 2007, which had opened my mind to new researches in the physics.

I always see myself in the leader position in different fields such as when I was working with groups in the college or in my social life because I have the skills of managing and organizing, interested to learn from the other members of the group and I have the courage to experience and try everything new and strange.

In the final year of my college life, we had to do two important things before graduating that will shows how far we reached in our studies and our skills in creating, innovative, managing, ability of teamwork and other skills. The first thing was the graduating project. I and my group decided to choose "Genetic Algorithms
for modeling and optimization" to be our subject. By working for two months, we have succeeded in understanding the subject, writing our report, apply it as a computer program and presented to our instructors. The second thing was choosing a company to work with in two months and I had chosen The Forensic Evidence Department. I had trained in three sections of the department: Questioned documents section, fire investigation section and tool mark and fire arm examination section. I have learned a lot of significant skills in this department such as comparison, imagination, observation, examination and measuring. Furthermore, I have practiced in using many devices such as UV spectrum device and VSC device (Video Spectral Comparator). In addition, we have checked some old cases to learn how the reports are written. Training in this department has taught me to be always creative in my work, to be a good communication person and to respect the time.

In the end I would like to say learning is a continuous process. It is not dependent on our age, but it is how we perceive ourselves to learn and increase our knowledge; consequently to become a successful and respected member of our community.

Yours faithfully,

..........

Dave Phillips · Answer

I am writing this letter to apply in the Fellowship Program at one of the Masdar Research partners to earn a Masters degree. I graduated in January 2010 from ".."University with Bachelor of Science degree in Physics as a major specialization and in Mathematics as a minor specialization with a GPA of "...”

Following a visit to your company last year, I decided to apply to your program because I am interested in working and researching in the renewable energy projects such as solar energy. Therefore, this fellowship program offers me the opportunity to continue my studies and to work within your company which relates to my specialized field. My goal is to continue my studies and work hard in the new researches are being done in my country to create a developed society. I believe that I have the confidence in myself to strive for the furthest goals.

I look forward to having this experience you offer, and to prove my ability by assisting your company in developing world energy. I believe that the world will depend on the renewable energy as the main source of energy that is safe and clean for the environment. Furthermore, the future of our country depends on finding the best technology that works on safe energy and the will to build a community that has the highest of standards of safety and prosperity.

My academic life in the university was full of learning with hard challenges which refined my personality and developed my skills to make me more confident and determined to learn more.

I always had the desire to learn and study new subjects and new developments in science. Therefore, I am always ready to take any opportunities that will help me to further my knowledge. At college I was able to combine studying and participating in activities, I was a member of the 'Physics Club' for two years and participated on 'physics day' twice. The first time was in 2007, there was a competition for 'special physics projects'. My project was about "Particles and Antiparticles" and I came first. The second time was in 2008 as a program presenter for the event. Furthermore, I had attended CERN-UAEU Workshop in 2007, which opened my mind to new researches in the physics.

I always see myself in the leader position in different fields such as when I was working with groups in the college or in my social life because I have the skills of managing and organizing, interested to learn from the other members of the group and I have the courage to experience and try everything new and strange. - Have you thought they might not desire you to be a leader?

I would suggest:

Some of my keys skills are organizing and managing people, and my ability to learn new skills. Because I have these key skills I have often found myself in a leadership role.

In my final year of college, we had to do two important things before graduating that proved our skills in being creative and innovative, management, and teamwork. The first was the graduating project. I and my group -X- "My group and I"(This does make you sound like a team player)/"My group"/ or if you are trying say that you were the team leader say "The group which I lead" chose "Genetic Algorithms for modelling and optimization" to be our subject. After two months we understood the subject, write our report, applied it in the form of a computer program and presented to our instructors. The second thing was choosing a company to work within for two months and I picked 'The Forensic Evidence Department'. I trained in three sections of the department: 'Questioned documents section', 'Fire investigation section' and 'Tool mark and fire arm examination section'. I have learnt a lot of significant skills in this department such as comparison, imagination, observation, examination and measuring. Furthermore, I practised using many devices such as the 'UV spectrum device' and 'VSC device' (Video Spectral Comparator). In addition, we checked some old cases to learn how the reports are written. Training in this department taught me to be always creative in my work, to communication effectively and to manage time.

In the end I would like to say learning is a continuous process. It is not dependent on our age, but it is on how we apply ourselves to learning and our desire to increase our knowledge.

Anonymous · Answer

many many many thanks , your corrections are very useful

I will wait for your reply

Dave Phillips · Answer

Nobody has come to make any other editions to it so it can't be too bad.

Anonymous · Answer

Hi Dave Phillips,

I forgot to tell you that they put some conditions to write the letter, please check if I mention them correctly

-----------------------------------------

The statement should describe:

how you think about the world and your professional objectives
the issues or problems you want to address during your studies at the Masdar Institute and the setting in which you eventually see yourself working professionally
how your previous studies and work experience (if any) relates to what you propose to do at the Masdar Institute
why you are applying to the Masdar Institute and the specific program
other matters you think are important for us to know

Please check my letter of purpose

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