Please check my letter for IELTS

Question

Hi,

I will be grateful if any moderator can check my letter for the IELTS preparation.

Thanks
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Subject :
You live in a room in college which you share with another student. However, there are many problems with this arrangement and you find it very difficult to work.

Write a letter to the accommodation officer at the college. In the letter:
- Describe the situation.
- Explain your problems and why it is difficult to work.
- Say what kind of accommodation you would prefer.

(150 words at least)
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Dear Sir / Madam, 9 November 2004

I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with my current room-mate.

First of all, the studying hours are not matching. He is used to study till late hours at night; while I am used to sleep early. Another point is that he is used to hold one party in the room, at least once weekly. These parties continue till dawn time, which I find very unconvenient and disturbing. Moreover, he is used to leave his clothes and belongings in unorganised manner; which contradicts with my character tremondasly.

Furthermore, it is not uncommon for him to use my private items, such as after-shave and hair brush. In addition to all the previously mentioned, sometimes he is keeping his laundry for extended period of time, which I consider very unhygienic.

With all these problems, I cannot study and perform well in my courses. As my next semester is quite important, and requires lot of concentration and long study hours; I would appreciate if you could shift me to a single room accommodation.

I am grateful for your time, and await your prompt action regarding this subject.

Yours faithfully,

Sherif Fam (Student # 123556)
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Thanks a lot and best regards,

Sherif

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Hi Sherif,

A few points:

1)

Your name & address

Date

Their name and address

Dear Sir or Madam:

blah blah blah

2) Go through your sentence structure more carefully.

For example,
He is used to study till late hours at night[,] while I am used [to going to] sleep early.

This really should be rewritten as....

He studies late at night while I am used to going to sleep early.
Or
I try to go to sleep early, but his late night studying disturbs my sleep.

You have a few sentences that need to be corrected.

3) Get rid of "First of all" and other junk. Just keep keep your letter focused without all the metadiscourse.

4) Watch your spelling. Use a spell checker.

For example: room-mate should be roommate; unconvenient should be inconvenient.

5) Group all related stuff in one paragraph.

You seem to have a reasonably strong grasp on English, so you should be in good shape.

MountainHiker

Sherif_fam · Answer

Hi MontainHiker,

Another thank you very much.

Just some clarifications:

1. I didnt write the full instructions of the subject in my post. It was clearly stated not to include the addresses. The point is to have 150 words at least, in 20 minutes. They dont want to count names and addresses in the 150 words. That is why I didnt include them.

2. I didnt use spell checker, as the exam is handwritten, and there is no dictionary available. I am trying to write correctly, without spell mistakes. But you are right, I should check the letter prior to posting it.

I wish to enhance in my next ones.

Best regards,

sherif

Please check my letter for IELTS

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