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Ziawj2 Posted 15 years ago
Letter Writing
Please check my letter
Last week I assigned students a taks of writing a letter of thanks(from EILTS, 2009-02-01). The letter is based on the following situation:
You organized for a relative a 90th birthday party in a hotel, many elderly guests attended this party which is of great success. Write a letter to thank the hotel manager. In your letter.1). give the details of the party2). the reason why the party so successful3).mention a stuff helped you a lot/ helps provided by a stuff of hote.
I think some of expressions are Chinglish, and I am not sure whether the style is consistent or not.
Could you help me correct it? Looking forward to your reply.
Dear Mr. Smith,
On the second floor of your hotel, we threw a huge birthday pary for my ninety-year-old grandpa on Saturday, October 15..
Through your stuff's effort, the party was extremely successful. the food you served, especially the main course, roast lamb, is a good choice for elderly guests, and the dessert, Tiramisu, is children's favorite. In addition, the emcee you provided was great for he could bring guests back to the precious memories as well as tell funny stories about my grandpa.He created an emotional, relaxed atmosphere for the party. Besides, the first-class service you offered was also a key to the success of the party. The waitors all the time walked around the hall without a rest to meet every guest's need, offering wine, plates, etc.
Lastly, I perticularly give my thanks to a stuff, Mr. Black, for his big help. He hit on many brilliant ideas about the organization of the party, including decorating the hall, presenting my grandpa's old pictures and inviting surpriting guests to bring the party to a climax. Please convey to him my deep appreciation and thanks for what he did.
Yours sincerely,
Zia
You organized for a relative a 90th birthday party in a hotel, many elderly guests attended this party which is of great success. Write a letter to thank the hotel manager. In your letter.1). give the details of the party2). the reason why the party so successful3).mention a stuff helped you a lot/ helps provided by a stuff of hote.
I think some of expressions are Chinglish, and I am not sure whether the style is consistent or not.
Could you help me correct it? Looking forward to your reply.
Dear Mr. Smith,
On the second floor of your hotel, we threw a huge birthday pary for my ninety-year-old grandpa on Saturday, October 15..
Through your stuff's effort, the party was extremely successful. the food you served, especially the main course, roast lamb, is a good choice for elderly guests, and the dessert, Tiramisu, is children's favorite. In addition, the emcee you provided was great for he could bring guests back to the precious memories as well as tell funny stories about my grandpa.He created an emotional, relaxed atmosphere for the party. Besides, the first-class service you offered was also a key to the success of the party. The waitors all the time walked around the hall without a rest to meet every guest's need, offering wine, plates, etc.
Lastly, I perticularly give my thanks to a stuff, Mr. Black, for his big help. He hit on many brilliant ideas about the organization of the party, including decorating the hall, presenting my grandpa's old pictures and inviting surpriting guests to bring the party to a climax. Please convey to him my deep appreciation and thanks for what he did.
Yours sincerely,
Zia
Top answer
Hello, Zia — and welcome to English Forums. I have underlined some problem areas and struck out some unnecessary verbiage. Please post your revised version: Dear Mr.
- Hello, Zia — and welcome to English Forums.
- I have underlined some problem areas and struck out some unnecessary verbiage.
- Please post your revised version: Dear Mr.
- Smith, On the second floor of your hotel, we threw a huge birthday pary for my ninety-year-old grandpa on Saturday, October 15..
- Through your stuff's effort, the party was extremely successful.
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6 Answers
0
Hello, Zia — and welcome to English Forums.
I have underlined some problem areas and struck out some unnecessary verbiage. Please post your revised version:
Dear Mr. Smith,
On the second floor of your hotel, we threw a huge birthday pary for my ninety-year-old grandpa on Saturday, Oc
I have underlined some problem areas and struck out some unnecessary verbiage. Please post your revised version:
Dear Mr. Smith,
00
Thanks for your proofread. Here is my revised version:
Dear Mr. Smith,
I am writing to thank you for helping me organizing a huge birthday pary for my ninety-year-old grandfather
00
You have made a number of changes in addition to what I suggested. I have again underlined problem areas and struck out unwanted words:
Dear Mr. Smith,
I am writing to thank you for helping me organizing a huge birthday pary for my ninety-year-old grandfather
on Saturday, October 15.
Through your stuff effort, the party was ex
Dear Mr. Smith,
I am writing to thank you for helping me organizing a huge birthday pary for my ninety-year-old grandfather
on Saturday, October 15.
Through your stuff effort, the party was ex
00
Thanks for you patience.
Can I send you my new revised version?
Dear Mr. Smith,
Can I send you my new revised version?Dear Mr. Smith,
00
Dear Mr. Smith,
I am writing to thank you for helping me organize the huge birthday party for my ninety-year-old grandfather on Saturday, October 15.
Through your staff's effort, the party was extremely successful. The food you served was very delicious. The main course of roast lamb was a good choice for the elderly, and t
I am writing to thank you for helping me organize the huge birthday party for my ninety-year-old grandfather on Saturday, October 15.
Through your staff's effort, the party was extremely successful. The food you served was very delicious. The main course of roast lamb was a good choice for the elderly, and t
00
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