Please check my IELTS Task 2 writing

Question

HiPlease review my IELTS Task 2 essay.Some feel that cities should be designed to be beautiful while some others feel their functionality is more important. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.   Some people are of the view that when a city is designed, its beauty should be given more importance than functionality, but some others think it should be the other way round. I believe a city’s functionality is more important than its beauty.Those who argue that a city’s beauty should take precedence over its functionality believe life is bright and motivating when they live amidst things that hold profound aesthetic value. This is the reason that people want to spend their holidays in places where there they feel close with nature and enjoy the sight of grands monuments, theme parks, and multi-storied buildings of varied designs and shapes.  “A thing of beauty is a joy forever” says John Keats in A Thing of Beauty. This only reiterates the view that people can feel a great amount of happiness when things around them are beautiful.People who oppose this view contend that beauty can be very pleasing to their eyes but does not fulfill their needs. When a family looks for a city to start their life, they primarily see if the place has good educational institutions for their children, well established hospitals, and other such important establishments. Apart from these, there are various services that play a vital role in fulfilling the day-to-day needs of the people. For instance, while different means of transportation can affect the pace at which people can move from one to another, well thought out banking services can determine the ease at which people spend or withdraw their money to meet their immediate or long term needs. Further, the sigh of relief the family members have seeing their loved recover at a well maintained hospital is worth more than the pleasure one derives seeing a well maintained monument.In all, while people can definitely feel happy and positive living in a beautiful city, it is the city’s functionality that really matters in making their life comfortable and peaceful.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote 320 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Some people are of the view that when a city is designed, its beauty should be given more importance than functionality, but some others think it should be the other way round. I believe a city’s functionality is more important than its beauty.

(you might define what makes a city beautiful. e.g. "It is clean and safe, with interesting architecture, lovely greenspaces and art installat

(you might define what makes a city beautiful. e.g. "It is clean and safe, with interesting architecture, lovely greenspaces and art installations. It blends the old with the new showing respect for the past and hope for the future." That would greatly improve the cohesion and coherence. Your sentences do not flow together very well because you just jump from one idea to another.)

Those who argue that a city’s beauty should take precedence over its functionality believe life is bright and motivating when they live amidst things that hold profound aesthetic value. This is the reason that people want to spend their holidays in places where there they feel close with nature and enjoy the sight of grands monuments, theme parks, and multi-storied buildings of varied designs and shapes. “A thing of beauty is a joy forever” says John Keats in A Thing of Beauty. This only reinforces ~~reiterates~~ the view that people can feel a great amount of happiness when things around them are beautiful.

People who oppose this view contend that beauty can be very pleasing to their eyes but does not fulfill their needs. When a family looks for a city to start their life, they primarily look for ~~see if the place has~~ good educational institutions for their children, well established hospitals, and other such important establishments. Apart from these, there are various services that play a vital role in fulfilling the day-to-day needs of the people. For instance, while different means of transportation can affect the pace at which people can move from one to another, well thought out banking services can determine the ease at which people spend or withdraw their money to meet their immediate or long term needs. Further, the sigh of relief the family members have seeing their loved recover at a well maintained hospital is worth more than the pleasure one derives seeing a well maintained monument.

In all, while people can definitely feel happy and positive living in a beautiful city, it is the city’s functionality that really matters in making their life comfortable and peaceful.

Please check my IELTS Task 2 writing

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