Please check my Ielts task 1

Question

The bar chart provides data on the coffee and tea buying and drinking habits of Australian people in five major cities. Overall, except for Adelaide, the proportion of four other cities' residents going to a cafe for coffee and tea within the last four weeks was the highest, while the reverse was true for that of all listed cities' residents buying fresh coffee within the past four weeks.
It is strikingly evident that the most common habit of all abovementioned cities' residents apart from Adelaide's was to frequent a cafe for coffee and tea; the number recorded for Melbourne was the highest, at approximately 64%, followed by Hobart and Sydney with just a few percentage points behind. Meanwhile, the least favoured habit was to buy fresh coffee. While the highest number of people buying fresh coffee in the last 28 days went to Sydney, at about 44%, it was much lower than the percentage of Sydney residents going to a cafe for coffee and tea.
Regarding the number of city residents buying instant coffee within the past four weeks, the highest number went to Hobart, at about 54%, closely followed by Brisbane. Interestingly, while the gap in the proportion of people buying instant coffee and frequenting a cafe for coffee and tea in Brisbane and Adelaide in the last four weeks was negligible, that in the rest was huge.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nh?t BìnhThe bar chart provides data on the coffee and tea buying and drinking habits of Australian people in five major cities. Overall, except for Adelaide, the proportion of four other cities' residents going to a cafe for coffee and tea within the last four weeks was the highest, while the reverse was true for that of all listed cities' residents buying fresh coffee within the past four weeks.

You have violated the rule about paragraphing.

Every paragraph has one main idea.

In IELTS Task 1, the paragraphing should be like this;

Paragraph 1: Describe the infographic, figure or table.

Paragraph 2: Give overall impressions - the main features that you see in the data.

Paragraph 3: Give details and relevant comparisons.

You smashed paragraphs 1 and 2 together.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

~~It is strikingly evident that~~ (That is your opinion. Do not write opinions in Task 1.) the most common habit of all ~~abovementioned~~ (Remove these kinds of antiquated old-fashioned words from your vocabulary. aforementioned, abovementioned, etc. In fact, remove "mentioned" from Task 1. These are given, not just mentioned in passing.) cities' residents apart from Adelaide's was to frequent a cafe for coffee and tea; the number (wrong word .) ~~recorded~~ for Melbourne was the highest, at approximately 64%, followed by Hobart and Sydney with just a few percentage points behind. Meanwhile, the least favoured habit was to buy fresh coffee. While the highest number of people buying fresh coffee in the last 28 days was in ~~went to~~ (They did not travel to that city.) Sydney, at about 44%, it was much lower than the percentage of Sydney residents going to a cafe for coffee and tea.

Regarding the number of city residents buying instant coffee within the past four weeks, the highest number went to Hobart, at about 54%, closely followed by Brisbane. Interestingly, while the gap in the proportion of people buying instant coffee and frequenting a cafe for coffee and tea in Brisbane and Adelaide in the last four weeks was negligible, that in the rest was huge. (Huge is a juvenile word. Avoid using it in essays.)

"Number" is incorrect.

Let's see why. Look at the chart. You see that 45% of the people in Sydney bought instant coffee compared to 54% in Hobart.

But the number of people in Sydney who bought instant coffee was much, much higher that those in Hobart.

Why?

The population of Sydney is 5.3 million; that of Hobart is 206 thousand. So, in terms of numbers, about 2.3 million residents of Sydney bought instant coffee in the past month. That was eleven times the entire population of Hobart!

Moral: You cannot compare numbers with percentages. It is like comparing ants with elephants.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

This example essay is too long (270 words; the minimum is 150), but it will give you a range of ideas.

A survey was conducted in five cities in Australia (Adelaide, Brisbane, Hobart, Melbourne, and Sydney) asking residents if they had purchased tea or coffee in the past four weeks. The bar chart plots the proportion of residents in each of the cities who responded positively on each of the three questions: 1) Did you buy fresh coffee? 2) Did you buy instant coffee? and 3) Did you go to a cafe to drink tea or coffee?

Overall, the highest percentages in each city were the people who had gone to a cafe. Except for Adelaide, the majority of residents in each city answered that they had done this. In second place were the instant coffee buyers, the city of Adelaide being the exception with slightly less than half.

The cities of Sydney, Hobart and Melbourne had the highest proportions on the chart; more than six of every ten people there had recently enjoyed a cup of tea or coffee in a cafe. On the other extreme, the cities of Brisbane and Adelaide had the lowest percentages. These were the ones who had purchased fresh coffee, a bit over one-third (34%). Generally, people in these five cities bought instant coffee more than fresh coffee, and the gap could be fairly wide. As an example, in Brisbane, the gap was nearly 20%, 52% to 34%. In Adelaide, about half the residents both bought instant coffee (exactly 50%) and frequented a cafe, (49%). That was the smallest difference between three categories in all the cities. And in three of the cities, a half or more had purchased instant coffee; these were Hobart (54%), Brisbane (53%) and Adelaide (50%).

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