Please check my IELTS essay. Thank you so much

Question

Some people think that charity organizations should only offer help to people in their own country. But others believe that these organizations should give aid to people in great need wherever they live. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is a relentless controversy about whether charity organizations should prioritize citizens of their countries rather than other places or not. From my point of view, financial assistance should be given to in-need people, regardless of geographical barriers.

On the one hand, some who object to the idea of supporting impoverished people worldwide have their own justifications. First, it cannot be denied that a large amount of money donation comes from local people or overseas nationals, therefore, the government should give aid to needy compatriots. For example, with the catastrophic consequences that Storm Goni left, a major volume of remittances from overseas Vietnamese to the country to remedy these problems, therefore, it would be used for locals who were disastrously affected by the typhoon. Moreover, the authorities should give support to their dwellers in far-flung areas to improve their life quality as well as promote the local economy.

On the other hand, I concur with the view of giving financial assistance to in-need people, despite their geographical locations. First, it helps the government build up a harmonious and mutually beneficial relationship with other countries. This collaboration enables the recipient country to reach its potential while the benefactor can enjoy certain trade benefits. Furthermore, evidently, people in underdeveloped nations suffer from more pressing issues than their counterparts in developed ones, as a result, they need support from global organizations to overcome the problems such as hungry or illiteracy.

In conclusion, it is understandable that individuals have their own perception, however, I am firmly convinced that the main purpose of charity funds should be to assist needy people, no matter where they live.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You did not focus on the topic.

Charity organizations are not government agencies. They are non-governmental organizations and local charities such as food pantries. Churches and religious organizations also help poor people in countries with high rates of poverty. UNESCO, the World Food Program and UNICEF, which are United Nations agencies, were formed to distribute aid globally. The International Red Cross and Kiva are supported by independent sponsors. You did not give examples of any of these international aid agencies.

Every charity organization is incorporated with a specific target community, and solicits donations from people who want help in that way. For example, my local "Meals on Wheels" charity, which delivers each week a seven-day supply of fresh prepared food to poverty-stricken homebound seniors, would never ship food to poor families in Bangladesh. It is not their charter.

In terms of grammar, you have a penchant for comma splice errors. You will lose points for these.

There is a relentless controversy (There is no controversy. Many students memorize "controversy" and "debate" and use these words to write opening sentences. But that is not a good strategy. These topics are only asking your opinion.) There is a question about whether charity organizations should ~~prioritize~~ give aid exclusively to citizens of their countries rather than other places or not. From my point of view, financial assistance should be given to needy ~~in-need~~ people, regardless of geographical borders. ~~barriers~~.

On the one hand, some who object to the idea of charities supporting impoverished people worldwide have their own justifications. First, it cannot be denied that a ~~large amount of money donation~~ most of the charitable donations comes from local people or ~~overseas~~ nationals employed overseas, (comma splice error) therefore, the government should give aid (Off topic. It is about charitable organizations, not the government.) to needy compatriots. For example, given ~~with~~ the catastrophic consequences that Storm Goni left, ~~a major volume of~~ remittances were sent from ~~overseas~~ Vietnamese working overseas to charities in the country to repair and rebuild homes and infrastructure ~~remedy these problem~~s, (comma splice error) therefore, it would be used for locals whose lives were disastrously affected by the typhoon. Moreover, the authorities should give support (This is off-topic. It is about charitable organizations, not the government.) to ~~their dwellers~~ (wrong word) people living in far-flung areas to improve their quality of life ~~life quality~~ as well as promote the local economy.

On the other hand, others believe that ... ~~I concur with the view of giving~~ (Do not write your opinion in the body paragraphs. That is for the introduction and conclusions only.) financial assistance to needy ~~in-need~~ people, despite their geographical locations. First, it helps the government (This is off-topic. It is not about government aid.) build up a harmonious and mutually beneficial relationship with other countries. This collaboration enables the recipient country to reach its potential while the benefactor can enjoy certain trade benefits. Furthermore, evidently, people in underdeveloped nations suffer from more pressing issues than their counterparts in developed ones, (comma splice error) as a result, they need support from global organizations to overcome the problems such as hungry (wrong word. Hungry is an adjective.) or illiteracy.

In conclusion, it is understandable that individuals have their own perception, however, I am firmly convinced that the main purpose of charity funds should be to assist needy people, no matter where they live.

Please check my IELTS essay. Thank you so much

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