Please check my grammar and vocabulary in this shot story.

When I was in some Moscow pab close to Kremlin, that incident happened to me. I was wandering off when I watched Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin who was groping Anna Kurnicova's butt uncontrollably during foreplay near WC. I grasped the idea, that she didn't really like being with him and would rather have a sex with me, so I decided that it was at my disposal to punch him up and get her from the president. First of all, I started fumbling for some heavy unit to get more confident before fighting but all I'd found was just a porcelain cup. I got close to them and meleed Putin's sorry ass for God sake. Then I ordered martini and the Big Mac and started out with Anna to my mansion.