Please check my essay for the IELTS preparation

Question

Hi,

Please check my essay for the IELTS. I wish there are improvments compared to the previous one.

Thanks and best regards,
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Subject:
Enormous effort is put into research and marketing "the perfect potato crisp" while research into stress at work, for example, is ignored.
How important are staff working conditions? Should employers research and improve the working conditions of their staff or should they concentrate more on their product?
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The essay:

It is noticed that employers spend enormous amount of money and time researching enhancements to their products, and making them more appealing to the clients. While doing so, researches into the working conditions for their employees, are generally ignored, or regarded as less important.

One of the main reasons for such attitude, is that the customers are interested only in the "end-product" without paying any attention on "how it was produced?". Another reason is the automation of production, which decreases the importance of human employees in many fields. In the mean time, employers take advantage of the international unemployment, and most of the employees accept any working conditions, as they do not have alternatives.

As a consequence for such behaviour, most of the employees work without enthusiam. This phenomenon is highlighted at employees working at government sectors, where the working conditions are generally lower in comparison with private sectors. Employers pay for their ignorance of the human factor importance, when certain jobs such as quality control are involved in the production.

In-depth study is in order to improve the working conditions of the employees. However, preliminary ideas, such as space workability, illumination and aeration of offices, applying flexible working hours, transportation of the staff, can be considered by the management staff.

In conclusion, I believe that the employers should aim to a balance point between researches into staff working conditions and researches into their products.
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Sherif_fam · Accepted Answer

Hi

Is the essay that bad?

Please let me know. Thanks

Best regards,
Sherif

Julielai · Answer

No, it's just that I have never taken IELTS, so I really don't know the exam requirements.

We can only give you generic advice

Sherif_fam · Answer

Hi Julie

Thanks for your reply.

Information regarding the IELTS : (if the forum rules do not allow such posts, I am asking any moderator to erase it, Thanks)
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The IELTS (International English Language Test System), is like TOEFL; but it is common in UK, Europe, Canada and Australia, while the TOEFL is common in USA.

Writing one essay is one of the tasks to be completed. The essay should be at least 250 words, excluding repetitions of any sentences from the subject, and to be completed in 40 minutes.

It is marked in relation to 3 factors:
1. Task fulfilment (how far the subject is covered and analysed in the essay, and the subject's questions ~~if any~~ are they answered fully?).
2. Cohesion (how logically the essay goes, in terms of ideas' flow), and coherence (how understandable is the essay, are the statements clear and self-explanatory?)
3. Vocabulary and sentence structure (is there a variation in the vocabulary, are the words used correctly in the correct position?, is the grammar correct?, are there any spelling mistakes?)
Each factor is marked out of 9 points, and the overall score is the average of the 3 marks.
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Julie, thanks again and I will appreciate any advice regarding the essay. I know it is shorter than 250 words, but the subject was little difficult to me; as it is totally out of my field.

P.S. I contributed by one post about spelling rules, few days ago, and would appreciate your comments on it also (especially the list of vowels).

Best regards,
Sherif

Julielai · Answer

In my humble opinion:

You need to focus on the importance of staff working conditions and the consequence of ignoring its importance.

You are too wordy -- it is noticed that, as a consequence of, the automation of production, importance of human employees. (Are there employees who aren't human???) As a result, your essay doesn't flow really well and contains more words than ideas.

Take your first sentence for instance:

It is noticed that employers spend enormous amount of money and time researching enhancements to their products, and making them more appealing to the clients.

How about:
Employees spend an enormous amount of time and resources on product enhancement.

Sherif_fam · Answer

Hi Julie,

Thanks for your reply. I am trying to get ride of paraphrasing (my french teacher said the same as you).

I re-wrote the essay. Please let me know if it is better. Thanks

Best regards
Sherif

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Nowadays, researches play a critical role in most industries.

Should employers concentrate their researches into the products or into the employees’ working conditions? This topic represents a challenging argument.

Employers tend to allocate most of their researches into the products. Analysing the causes for such approach, I discovered them obvious. First of all, the customers’ interest is into the end-product, rather than the efforts in producing it. Another factor is the international unemployment, forcing the majority of the employees to accept any working conditions, regardless how poor they are. In the mean time, the allocated budgets for researches are generally limited, not providing the employers enough chance to research both fields. Employees always come last priority.

Numerous examples highlight the negligence of the employers’ responsibilities toward their employees. As an example, there is no minimum wages in most countries. Extended working hours are another form of working stress. Discrimination based on gender, religion and race still exist in some companies. Working in confined areas became the standard model for modern establishments. Poor levels of illumination and aeration are disregarded by many employers. Employers stress on the starting working hour, not paying any attention to the difficulties of transportation.

Consequences of such attitude are quite critical. It has a negative impact on the whole society, as the majority of the population are employees not employers. Working under stressing working conditions may result on strikes. Air France pilot’s strike (due to low wages), which lasted three days is a sample of the most standing strikes. It is not uncommon to hear news about railroad and mine labours’ strikes, due to the tough working conditions. The most interesting point about these strikes, is that most employers fulfil the strikers’ demands…
Government employees who in most countries are the most exposed to poor working conditions, usually delay unnecessarily public services.

In conclusion, the employers should pay more attention to their employees; to reach a balance point of interest between products and employees. I believe that governments should enforce laws to guarantee minimum working conditions for the employees.
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Julielai · Answer

I suggest you mention the consequence of ignoring the human factor much earlier in the essay. Mention also the impact of low morale on the company.

I don't see the relevance of the second paragraph to the topic.

If you think product development is just as important, then elaborate on that.

Sherif_fam · Answer

I structred the essay as follows:

Para. 1 Introduction about the argument.

Para. 2 Declaring the fact about employers' interest in products over employees. Stating the reasons for such trend.

Para. 3 Providing examples for employees negligence by their employers

Para. 4 Clarifying the -ive consequences of this trend.

Para. 5 Concluding that a balance point between both fields is the goal.

Is it always requested in essays to clearly take one side?

Thanks

Best regards,
Sherif

Julielai · Answer

I don't think so.

The questions are:

1. How important are staff working conditions?
-this should be addressed much earlier.

2. Should employers research and improve the working conditions of their staff or should they concentrate more on their product?
-you can take one of the following positions:
1. The human factor is more important
2. Product development is more important
3. They are both important.

Whichever one you choose, support that with reasons.

Please check my essay for the IELTS preparation

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