Please check my essay and give me feedback (you can give me a band score over 9 after all) Thanks so much!

Question

Topic: Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

Several opinions are hinging upon the elderly and their abilities to work, older people are thought that they should not stop working if they also can do it. From my point of view, I do not subscribe to that opinion.

First of all, continuing to attend work-related environment means that the elderly need to adapt to the changing requirements stemming from companies' demands. To be officially designated or promoted or stay at the unchanged positions, older people need to update some new trends in their fields as well as know how to practice and utilize their own experiences efficiently. However, it seems to be quite arduous for them to do so not just because of their lack of thinking of modern ideas but also owing to the difficulties they may have in obtaining completely developed knowledge. For example, an elderly will possibly not take the responsibility of managing customers' advertising as well as one who has the same task but is younger because they do not understand definitely the needs of customers when selling goods.

Moreover, the health-related problems the elder one may have when he continues his job need to be considered more. Some people at the age of 65 or over are likely to have several common symptoms and diseases, such as diabetes, obesity, or dementia. This may lead to reduced work performance and also is the cause of the further under-quality workforce. For instance, a man aged 65 is allowed to stay at his company and plays an essential role in regulating the staff, but he was diagnosed to have a symptom called dementia. This may increase low-quality performance from him and his team, who are worried about his symptom.

In conclusion, the elderly, whether they have abilities to continue to work or not, need to stay in their homes to give places to others who are younger.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Several opinions (There are only two mentioned in the task.) are hinging upon the elderly and their abilities (This means that they are not too old or infirm.) to work, (Comma splice error. Ungrammatical) older people are thought that (ungrammatical) they should not stop working if they also can do it. (incorrect pronoun use. ) From my point of view, I do not subscribe to that opinion.

First of all, continuing to attend work-related environment means that the elderly need to adapt to the changing requirements stemming from companies' demands. To be officially designated or promoted or stay at the unchanged positions, older people need to update some new trends in their fields as well as know how to practice and utilize their own experiences efficiently. However, it seems to be quite arduous for them to do so not just because of their lack of thinking of modern ideas but also owing to the difficulties they may have in obtaining completely developed knowledge. For example, an elderly will possibly not take the responsibility of managing customers' advertising as well as one who has the same task but is younger because they do not understand definitely the needs of customers when selling goods.

Moreover, the health-related problems the elder one may have when he continues his job need to be considered more. Some people at the age of 65 or over are likely to have several common symptoms and diseases, such as diabetes, obesity, or dementia. This may lead to reduced work performance and also is the cause of the further under-quality workforce. For instance, a man aged 65 is allowed to stay at his company and plays an essential role in regulating the staff, but he was diagnosed to have a symptom called dementia. This may increase low-quality performance from him and his team, who are worried about his symptom.

(This paragraph is not a good argument because the task excludes those who are physically or mentally unable to do the job. It is only about healthy and capable older people.)

In conclusion, the elderly, whether they have abilities to continue to work or not, need to stay in their homes to give places to others who are younger. (Do not add any new information in the conclusion. You never mentioned "giving places to younger workers" in the body paragraphs. )

Please check my essay and give me feedback (you can give me a band score over 9 after all) Thanks so much!

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